Just when you thought that Evander Holyfield was a shoo-in to win the award for the Most Incoherent Ramblings from an American athlete, a new challenger arrives. And how!
Dennis Rodman and a bunch of former NBA players are in North Korea to play basketball for Kim Jong Un’s birthday, because they’re so desperate for a check that they don’t care if it’s signed by a maniac. Dennis Rodman took a little time out from spooning with his North Korean BFF on a bed made from the skin of Kim Jong Un’s dead rivals (including that crazy asshole’s uncle) to talk to CNN’s Chris Cuomo. When Chris Cuomo asked Dennis Rodman if he’s going to bring up Kenneth Bae, the American who’s sitting in a prison in North Korea right now, to his BFF, he rambled out a verbal vomit flood of nonsense.
As I mentioned the other day, my dog got attacked by some bitch ass motherfucking dog on the street, and his front leg (or “dog arm” as I call it when talking to the vet since I always like to use official medical phrases) got jacked up during the attack. It didn’t break or fracture, but it’s sore and he had trouble walking on it at first. The vet told me not to pick him up or handle him. If he wants to get up off the floor, I should let him do it by himself, because he knows his own body or some shit. Watching him try to get out of his dog bed is painful. It’s like watching an obese, elderly pregnant ho try to get herself out of a futon while holding a giant sack of flour. I cringe, I wince, I let a few “oh shits” and my hands get all shaky. I felt those same emotions while watching Dennis Rodman try to pull a coherent thought out of the coke and booze-soaked sponge in his head.
Dennis sounds like a half-sedated bulldog trying to do an impersonation of Hulk Hogan and failing at it, so it’s hard to figure out what he’s saying, exactly. Here’s what I was able to make out:
“Grrrr garrr wha wha grrr gaarrrr one thing about politics Kenneth Baby gotta gotta get it understand barrrr graadfadf nooo neerrr NO NO NO woah woah woah youcanthandlethetruth grrrr gaarrrr droool garrrr raarrrrrr LOVE ten guys grrrr gaarrrrr woah woah LOOK AT THEM woah woah rats ass grrrr GAARRRR”
When I put that in Google Translate and translate it from “White Oprah aka incoherent drunk crazy cokehead” to English, this comes out:
“The one thing about politics, Kenneth Bae did one thing. If you understand, if you understand what Kenneth Bae did. Do you understand what he did? In this country? You tell me. You tell me. Why is he held captive?”
Nope, I still don’t know. Dennis went on to go full throttle Kanye by screaming at Chris Cuomo for ignoring the sacrifices all the former NBA players have made to go to North Korea.
The only thing that got me through that head-pounding interview was watching the other players realize that they made a terrible, terrible mistake and is it too late to give back the money they got paid in exchange for the next plane, train, car, donkey, whatever ride out of that bitch?