Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Got Coffee, Which Means They’re Totally Doing It

January 5, 2014 / Posted by:

When Michael K reported a couple of days ago that there might possibly be a Charlize Theron/Sean Penn relationship floating around in the ether, I defiantly crossed my arms and shook my head no-no-no, because I refused to believe that someone as awesome as Charlize would make such a questionable decision. Well, looks like I should run a cold shower to cry into, because now there’s proof that Charlize is riding Sean’s rage-rod (his dick head is extremely red and the veins make little angry turned-down eyebrows). And by proof, I of course mean they did a Starbucks run together in Los Angeles, which means they are definitely doing it and it’s only a matter of time before they’re registered at Crate & Barrel (Sean needs new dishes to smash).

Oh Charlize, FOR WHY? I have lit my Our Lady of Merciful Stoners pillar candle and prayed the rosary, hoping that Based God comes to Charlize in a dream to show her the err of her ways. It’s her only path to salvation! I know she’s dabbled in douchebags before, but I fear this may be more than just a rebellious phase. Charlize needs an Abuelita in her life to tell her “I do not like this I Am Sam man” while whipping a chancla.

And of course Sean would sit in the car while Charlize ran inside and balanced 3 drinks of her way out. I’m guessing one is for Charlize, one for Sean to drink, and one for Sean to throw out the window in anger (“GODDAMNIT, I said extra-hot soy chai latte! This is barely 176 degrees!”) Who am I kidding? All 3 drinks are for Sean to throw.

(Pics via Flame)

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