Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Got Coffee, Which Means They’re Totally Doing It

January 5, 2014 / Posted by:

When Michael K reported a couple of days ago that there might possibly be a Charlize Theron/Sean Penn relationship floating around in the ether, I defiantly crossed my arms and shook my head no-no-no, because I refused to believe that someone as awesome as Charlize would make such a questionable decision. Well, looks like I should run a cold shower to cry into, because now there’s proof that Charlize is riding Sean’s rage-rod (his dick head is extremely red and the veins make little angry turned-down eyebrows). And by proof, I of course mean they did a Starbucks run together in Los Angeles, which means they are definitely doing it and it’s only a matter of time before they’re registered at Crate & Barrel (Sean needs new dishes to smash).

Oh Charlize, FOR WHY? I have lit my Our Lady of Merciful Stoners pillar candle and prayed the rosary, hoping that Based God comes to Charlize in a dream to show her the err of her ways. It’s her only path to salvation! I know she’s dabbled in douchebags before, but I fear this may be more than just a rebellious phase. Charlize needs an Abuelita in her life to tell her “I do not like this I Am Sam man” while whipping a chancla.

And of course Sean would sit in the car while Charlize ran inside and balanced 3 drinks of her way out. I’m guessing one is for Charlize, one for Sean to drink, and one for Sean to throw out the window in anger (“GODDAMNIT, I said extra-hot soy chai latte! This is barely 176 degrees!”) Who am I kidding? All 3 drinks are for Sean to throw.

(Pics via Flame)

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >