Please Don’t Let This Just Be The Crazy Rantings Of A Senile Old Man…

January 4, 2014 / Posted by:

On New Year’s Eve, while we were all getting balls-deep in a boxed-wine-and-Four Loko-induced blind drunkeness (Raise of hands. Just me? Ouch) Larry King quietly gave us the most beautiful gift for 2014 when he tweeted about the existence of a hip-hop version of Achy Breaky Heart. Hold on, let me give you a moment to process what I just said.

Billy Ray Cyrus aka Big Poppa Chipmunk aka Miley’s Dad (to anyone under 21) has allegedly recorded a hip-hop version of his 1992 hit country single Achy Breaky Heart. And the Earth hasn’t stopped spinning yet? It doesn’t take Bill Nye to hypothesize that something this big would surely throw the Earth off its axis (or at least make it rain frogs like in Magnolia). Jesus, what is it with the Cyrus family’s obsession with appropriating urban culture and just running it full-steam into the ground? You couldn’t stop at Bangerz? I’d say that the hip-hop community suffered enough and this single should never be released, but I would be lying. I want to hear this song more than I want to hear the future words of my unborn children.

Oh, and just in case your brain did a good job of erasing Achy Breaky Heart from your memory…

I’m sorry, but If my brain is melting into a puddle of goo, I’m taking all of you with me! The only thing more embarrassing than that video is knowing that I performed a figure skating routine to Achy Breaky Heart as a kid. Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes I did take my therapist’s advice and burned all photographic evidence.

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