That’s Future Congressman Clay Aiken To You, Thankyouverymuch

January 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Every lifelong Claymate packed up her green Subaru Outback wagon, said goodbye to all of her cats, strapped her Clay doll into the passenger seat, hiked up her mom jeans, sang a few bars of “Mary, Did You Know?” (aka the official hymn of Claymates) and headed for North Carolina to join Team CLAY GAYKEN FOR CONGRESS! The Washington Blade says that Clay Aiken is “actively considering” running for Congress. I wish Clay would shift his priorities and actively consider using some tweezers to get those overgrown eyebrows to a cuter place before he considers running for Congress, but if everything went my way then I’d have two b-holes and I’d be locked up in a lube factory with the Double Dick Dude from Reddit.

The Washington Blade’s source says that 35-year-old Clay, who’s from Raleigh, has met with political types and has talked to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee about possibly running for a House seat in North Carolina’s 2nd congressional district. Clay is so serious that he’s been working with political strategist Betsy Conti and he took his ass to Washington DC to look at polling data with a partner from Hart Research Associates. Both Clay and Betsy Conti have kept their mouths shut about this rumor, which means it’s probably true. Clay has until February 8th to throw his Burberry hat into the ring.

The Blade thinks that the messiah to the Claymates has a good chance at winning if he does run.

Although the polls indicate Republicans may be favored as the mid-term elections approach on a general ballot, the Democratic nominee — whether it’s Aiken, [Commerce Secretary Keith Crisco] or someone else — may have a shot at the seat, which comprises Raleigh and was controlled by Democrats before the Republican surge in 2010. A House Democratic aide, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, described the second congressional district as a “winnable seat” for Democrats.

Clay didn’t win American Idol and he didn’t win Celebrity Apprentice, but I hope he finally breaks his losing streak and wins that House seat, because he’ll probably sing out all his arguments on the Congress floor. And when he starts to debate and the musical notes waft out of his mouth, every straight, old, white Congressman in there won’t be able to resist him and the ovaries they didn’t know they had will start to shake a thousand different ways. They will all become instant Claymates.

Besides, Clay has everything it takes to be a politician. He doesn’t have any political experience and we’ve already seen the pictures of him showing off his baked carrot coin nipples to a trick on webcam. He’s perfect politician material. Swear him in!

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