First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.
Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.
“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.”
Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?”
She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.
If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.