Panty Creamer of the Day: Tom Hiddleston’s throwing an “Oh, you got a little of my juices right here” pose in Elle UK – Lainey Gossip
Christie Brinkley must be drinking the same kind of virgin’s blood that Jared Leto’s drinking – The Berry
Prince Charles obviously hasn’t seen Cressida Boner’s elegant and luxurious scrunchie collection – Celebitchy
The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson in the ads for The Jessica Simpson Collection – Drunken Stepfather
You probably already figured this, but Lindsay Lohan’s most likely getting paid in 8-balls for her next movie – The Superficial
Budweiser usually gives me the heaves, but this time it’s giving me that strange, unfamiliar warm feeling in the dark orb of bitterness in my chest – IDLYITW
Kim Zolciak would like all her followers to know that the dead Benji on her head weighs more than her body at this point – Reality Tea
Alyssa Milano’s top says “sports bar waitress” but the bottom says “junior prom queen runner-up” – Hollywood Tuna
Olive Garden is going to regret this decision when OctoMom shows up with her child army – Jezebel
Well, you can’t spell Lindsay Lohan without L-I-A (which is how White Oprah says “liar“) – CDAN
Leslie Mann SANS FARDS – Popoholic
Shia LaDouche has gone without taking a shower for longer than his STUNT QUEEN stunt lasted – ICYDK
From the Department of YES: Lori Petty’s going to be on Orange is the New Black – Pajiba
Party monster Michael Alig could be released back into the wild… – OMG Blog
You know Shia LaDouche’s dirty ass is growing three kinds of butt jelly – Just Jared
Why did I mistake Foxy Knoxy for Lena Dunham? – Popsugar
Alessandra Ambrosio Salad’s bikini top looks like rainbow sherbet. I want rainbow sherbet. – Moe Jackson
And the ESCANDALOS (not really) from The News of the World phone hacking trial just keep coming….
A few days ago, Jude Law testified about how he got into a brawl of words over the phone with Daniel Craig when he found out that Daniel was wet humping on his girlfriend at the time Sienna Miller. Former News of the World reporter Dan Evans also previously testified that he hacked into Daniel Craig’s voicemail and heard Sienna tell Daniel that she loves him. Today in court, the Daily Mail says that Dan admitted that in 2004, he intercepted a message that Daniel Craig left on Kate Moss’ voicemail. Dan told the court that in the voicemail, Daniel Craig said:
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
There was a rumor that Daniel and Kate were fucking each other in 2004, but it was never really confirmed.
Damn. Those Primrose Hill whores passing each other around. When Daniel Craig was licking on Sienna Miller he was also licking up Jude Law’s peen juices and when Kate Moss was licking on Daniel Craig’s peen she was also licking up Sienna Miller’s coochie juices. That weird sensation in my stomach isn’t from the three-day-old bean burrito I just ate. It’s the warm feeling of jealousy. But what’s really gross is that they were telling each other “I love you.” Why did they have to ruin their hot fuck times with “I love you”? It must’ve been the coke talking.
The true definition of friendship Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart celebrated everything together from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s and here they are looking forty five kinds of stoned while holding a ball together. These international treasures need their own greeting card line! You know, looking at these two hold a ball together makes me think that physicals wouldn’t be so bad if these two were holding onto your nustack while telling you to cough. I’d have a physical every day!
And it took me a while to figure out that they’re holding the wrong kind of football (or are us Americans playing football with the wrong ball?). Speaking of bowls, heaven is smoking a bowl with these two while watching the only game that matters: the Puppy Bowl.
I watch way too much HSN and QVC, which explains why my brains probably look like a mound of mashed cauliflower with dead flies stuck in it, so when I read the movie news of the year last night, I pulled all my Huggable Hangers out of my closet, threw them on the floor and rolled around on them while screaming “YAAAAASSSS!” Hollywood is finally doing what’s right by making a biopic about HSN superstar and the second most important inventor of all time (after the inventor of anal beads, of course) Joy Mangano! Today the Joy Mangano biopic, tomorrow the Vince ShamWow biopic starring Johnny Knoxville.
Because Jennifer Lawrence made a pact with the devil to star in every movie that David O. Russell does, she’s thinking about starring in the Joy Mangano biopic and he’s in talks to direct it and rewrite the script which was written by Annie Mumolo who co-wrote Bridesmaids. Deadline says that the Joy Mangano biopic (yes, we’re living in a world where the Huggable Hangers movie is happening) will follow her from single working mother trying to pay the bills to household product mogul. Joy was working three jobs to support her three kids when she invented the Miracle Mop, which she sold locally in Long Island before taking it to QVC. Joy also invented Huggable Hangers, HSN’s biggest-selling product of all-time. This movie is going to be Jennifer Lawrence’s Erin Brockovich, so it brings her even closer to becoming the new Julia Roberts.
As much as I think that what the world really needs right now is a Joy Mangano biopic, this sounds like a boring disaster. Once again, David O. Russell is getting his main boo to play a role that is way too old for her ass. If he directed the Golden Girls movie, he’d cast Jennifer Lawrence as Sophia. The Joy Mangano biopic deserves better. It should be produced by Lifetime and star Susan Lucci, because together they would create a dramatic masterpiece worthy of the American treasure who invented Huggable Hangers.
But I’d be all for David O. Russell’s version if he cast Maya Rudolph as my favorite HSN host Shannon Smith.
Yes, I know the HSN hosts by name and I have a favorites. In case you didn’t already know, I am a 300-pound cat lady spinster trapped in the body a skinny fat gay.
No, you’re not looking at a still from Tim Burton’s future remake of Disney’s Maleficent, where Maleficent is played by a sans-fards Winona Ryder, Sleeping Beauty is played by Amber Heard (because that bitch could teach a master class in acting like you’re falling asleep), and Johnny Depp plays the prince, the 3 fairies, the voice of the dragon, and the man who reminds you that Tim Burton can no longer be trusted to make good movies.
The crazy thing is, what I just described isn’t so far-fetched. According to Radar Online, Winona used to think about the idea of reuniting with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton for a film and get the same tinglies she used to get every time she’d wear her extra-large stealin’ coat to Saks, but NOT ANYMORE! Ever since Johnny left his long-term girlfriend and baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, for 27-year-old Amber, Wino’s feelings for Jack Sparrow have been downgraded from ‘We cool’ to ‘No bitch, we ain’t cool’:
“The way he conducted that affair really upset Winona and turned her off to Johnny,” the insider said.
“The thing she especially can’t stand is how all of Johnny’s middle-aged friends, even Tim Burton, are cheering this relationship on like it’s appropriate, when Winona is telling her own friends that it’s absolutely not.
“She’s pulled a 180 on her opinion of Johnny and his cronies because she thinks it’s a sad cliché that he’d dump his long-term baby mama for a woman in her twenties.”
I guess she’s never seen this chart tracking how Johnny Depp keeps getting older but his on-screen love interests stay around the same age (how David Wooderson of you, Johnny). Here’s why she shouldn’t take their relationship that seriously: Statistics have shown there’s like a 90% guarantee that if you’re a rich dude turning 50, you’re going to wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to leave your wife and find something young and dumb to stick your dick in. Then, after 6-12 months of having to listen to the same goddamn story about “This one time, at Coachella…” they finally realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, pack up her High School Musical overnight bag, and send her home. Winona needs to understand that she’s no longer dealing with her friend Johnny; Johnny’s gone away for a while, and his mid-life crisis is now in charge.
Well, I guess my one signature petition to get Zack Snyder to cast videobomber vigilante Jim Cantore as Lex Luthor went directly into the shredder, because Warner Bros. announced today that Jesse Eisenberg will take a Flowbee and a pair of clippers to his glorious field of curls to play Superman’s forever rival. Zack Snyder’s still proving that whenever he casts a new role in that Superman vs. Batman mess, he asks himself, “What is going to make the entire internet explode into a tornado of FUCK YOUs?”
Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the only ho who just signed on for that future wreck, which will have every single DC character in it. Son marrier Jeremy Irons is going to play Alfred. Here’s what Zack had to say about Lex Luthor and Alfred:
“Lex Luthor is often considered the most notorious of Superman’s rivals, his unsavory reputation preceding him since 1940. What’s great about Lex is that he exists beyond the confines of the stereotypical nefarious villain. He’s a complicated and sophisticated character whose intellect, wealth and prominence position him as one of the few mortals able to challenge the incredible might of Superman. Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions.
As everyone knows, Alfred is Bruce Wayne’s most trusted friend, ally and mentor, a noble guardian and father figure. He is an absolutely critical element in the intricate infrastructure that allows Bruce Wayne to transform himself into Batman. It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne.”
Jesse Eisenberg perfectly played a spoiled elitist billionaire asshole in The Social Network, so he’ll probably be a perfect Lex Luthor. Ben Affleck is almost as big as The Hammaconda and Henry Cavill is even bigger, so I can’t wait to see Lex Luthor have to stand on four apple crates and a stack of phone books to spit threats at Batman and Superman’s faces.
Zack Snyder’s random casting choices keep making the internet melt down, so I hope he keeps bringing the fuckery and I’ll keep laughing until he does something really ILLEGAL like casting Goopy Paltrow as Catwoman.
You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.
During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:
“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”
She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).
As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).
Shakira and RiRi’s song “Can’t Remember To Forget You” (which is what I’ll be saying later when I still have this wreck of a song stuck in my head) is a direct assault on eardrums and it sounds like two rabid goats fighting over an apple, but if you’re into two pop tricks rubbing each other’s magnificent nalgitas and lezzing it up for the camera, then the video makes up for the song.
Joseph Kahn, who directed this, probably told them to pretend like they’re two cats in heat who just got attacked by billions of fleas, because they’re scratching their asses against the wall and writhing on a mattress like they need the Q-tip and a flea bath at the same time. Nomi Malone and Cristal Conners will always be the reigning Queens of fake lesbian-on-fake lesbian action, but Shakira and RiRi tried to come for their throne.
I am all for pop chicks selling it hard by dry humping on each other (see: Madge & Brit Brit, Madge & Miley, Madge & Xtina, Madge & everybody, etc….), but when are we going to finally get two pop dudes selling it to the gay gaze by grabbing on each other. And no, the Biebs and Usher don’t count.
Pictures like this always confuse me, because it just goes to show that you really have no idea who is friends with who in Hollywood. Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard? Okay…I guess? I mean, it could be more random. Dax Shepard and Sherri Shepherd. Tom Arnold and Justin Bieber. Kristen Bell and the sloth community. But they’re friends, and apparently closer friends than any of us knew (because I know you’re all aggressively keeping up with Tom Arnold’s friendships). How close? Close enough for Dax to give Tom his boner juice.
According to Us Weekly, Dax and Kristen offered to donate a ziploc of jizz to Tom after finding out there was a VACANCY sign hanging above his balls. Before I go any further, that’s where sperm is made, right? The balls? I’m sorry, but if Slim Goodbody didn’t talk about it, I have no idea what it does. Anyways, Tom tried to have a baby with his first three wives, couldn’t make it happen, and figured the same thing would happen with his 4th wife, Ashley Groussman. After two miscarriages with Groussman, Tom realized his lil’ swimmers were fucking things up and that if he ever wanted to become a father, they were going to have to find a sperm donor. Dax and Kristen were filming Hit and Run with Tom at the time, and suggested he use Dax’s sperm. Tom was cool with it, but his wife wasn’t (fuck that; I’d accept the sperm of anyone from Idiocracy) so eventually they went to Sharon Stone’s fertility doctor and successfully got knocked up. Sharon Stone; another name to file in the folder marked ‘Tom Arnold’s Random Friendships’.
At first, all of this felt very “Wait, what?” but it kind of makes sense. Dax and Kristen seem like actual down-to-earth people who wouldn’t think it was weird to offer a friend some of their extra semen, and so far they seem to be making decent parenting decisions, like choosing not to pimp out their baby to the paps (“What good is a baby if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim K). At least with Dax, you’d be getting decent sperm; not everyone gets so lucky with their sperm donor:
Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.
And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.
(Pic via AP)