Applebee’s Is Offering A $375 NYE Package In The Event You’ve Lost Your Damn Mind

December 31, 2013 / Posted by:

When are people going to realize that New Year’s Eve is a fucking headache and nobody has a good time. Have you ever talked to someone on January 2nd and heard them say anything other than “Yeah, it was ok. We had to wait 2 hours for a cab and some drunk asshole barfed on my face”? Exactly. But according to Today, the people who still refuse to believe that there is no more important night to pour yourself into a tight satin tube dress and shell out $100 for a bottle of cheap champale are letting Applebee’s in Time’s Square bend their wallets over and fuck them with a lukewarm jalapeño popper:

Tuesday night, the two Applebee’s franchise locations in Times Square are offering a dinner package for that price, which includes a buffet dinner, open bar, deejay, live entertainment, party favors and a midnight Champagne toast. With a ticket in hand, partygoers can breeze past the security barriers and head to the restaurant at a reasonable 8 p.m., instead of waiting out in the cold.

I’m the last person to shame someone for eating garbage food (I myself kneel at the altar of Cracker Barrel’s hashbrown casserole) but to spend $300 on a microwaved Applebee’s steak should be classified as a felony. But that’s not even the worst part. Just when you think it couldn’t get sadder than a New Year’s Eve at Applebee’s…

Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, one of the few restaurants in the area with panoramic views of the festivities, was offering tickets for $679, but is already sold out. TGI Friday’s in Times Square New Year’s tickets—ranging from $225 to a whopping $1,095 VIP couple’s package—were still available, as were Ruby Tuesday’s, which is offering packages from $295—for open bar and passed appetizers only.

Well, there you have it: further proof that Idiocracy is coming true. I feel like there should be people from Social Services stationed outside Applebee’s and Bubba Gump to remove children from their parents. Look, I don’t care if it’s New Year’s Eve or not – if you’ve spent $375 to eat at Applebee’s, you’ve proven without a doubt that you are not competent enough to make good decisions.

(Pic via Flickr)

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