What better way to celebrate owning the collective asses of every other current recording artist than dropping a shitload of money on fuck toys? According to Radar, Beyonce and Jay-Z went to sex shop Babeland the day after Christmas and dropped $6,000. I’m trying to not be jealous that there are people on the planet who can spend six grand on ho shit. I’m also trying to not be jealous that the next day, TMZ reports Bey and Jay spent nearly $100,000 on booze at a nightclub in Atlanta.
I’m not pointing fingers, I’m just saying it’s a possibility my guidance counselor in high school was asleep at the wheel when she failed to suggest a life path that would take me on a road paved with high end dildos and top shelf booze.
An insider at Babeland gave a few details on the purchases:
“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme,” the insider tells Radar exclusively. “It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”
What is the fucking point of buying sex shit if at least some of it isn’t extreme or tacky, even if it’s just for jokes? I can’t pretend to know a damn thing about how the 1% lives, but having a friend who has been given the high honor of going to your house if you die suddenly to take all your sex shit so your mom doesn’t find it feels like it should transcend all economic statuses. Maybe I’m just an asshole with a sick sense of humor, but I want to leave this world knowing someone will spend the rest of their life getting a full body shudder whenever they think about the rubber fisting mitten they found under my bed.
The only thing that would make this story even better is an update that Jay-Z went back to Babeland, demanding to return a butt plug that gave him nothing but problems and when he steps aside, Kanye was standing there. Fingers crossed!