Wordy motherfucker Kanye West can add “comedian” to the long list of skills on his resume alongside rapper, creator, architector, genius, CAPS LOCK aficionado and really the only redeeming quality he has- skillful shade thrower. During his Bitchpleezus show on December 23rd, USWeekly says Kanye spent 27 minutes vowing to give us all a fucking break for the first half of 2014.
“Everything I’m saying that’s not allowed, soak it in right now. This might be the last time y’all hear me talk s–t for a long time,” he told the crowd. “Might be another, like, six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and s–t if you wanna hear some realness!”
“I’m gonna tell y’all right now: All of the ideas, the things they call rants…save those tapes and everything,” he continued. “Because I’ve decided to completely focus everything in 2014 on all the new ideas, all the creative outlets.“
I’ll keep the tapes, alright. Right next to this middle finger and all the invisible fucks. And “all the creative outlets” sounds like a firm threat that more enormous finger painted handbags are coming, which is good news for Khloe. Now Kim can put her in a carry on instead of in a kennel in the cargo hold when they travel. You can bet your left nut Kanye has already drafted his letter to PETA demanding Kim and her plasticine jelly face be named their Person of the Year for her kindness to animals. He promised to not talk shit, not to let the delusions of grandeur go.
“So I’m letting y’all know in this last Yeezus show that this is the last time you’ll ever hear me say anything negative about anyone,” he vowed. “Because you only get the energy that you put out into the world.“
Oooh, look who’s finally toeing the Kompany line! Kris Jenner must have taken a break from not letting Bruce become his true sparkly unicorn self and pimping out Thing 1 and Thing 2 to hold up some cue cards in the wings for Kanye to read, now that her dreams of a Kardashian/West empire are going down in flames not even R. Kelly would piss on if he found out they were underaged.
I hope Kris is ready slip a shock collar around Kanye’s neck that will give him a little reminder jolt when he opens his mouth to vomit negativity on the universe and his place in it because he won’t last six days not talking shit, much less six months. “Nike!” Bzzzzz. “Grammys!” Bzzzzz. “Louis Vuitton!” Bzzzz. “They won’t let me great!” Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Now THAT is an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians I would watch. It’s the closest I’ll get to my dream of an All-Taser Channel on TV.