DJ? More like STDJ. More like Dick Jockey. More like unwanted BJ. More like Diseased Junk. More like DJ Dumb Skank. More like Dear Jesus: Why Is This Bitch Still Relevant? I could do this forever, but I doubt any of us have drank the shit from Death Becomes Her that makes you immortal, so I’ll stop and move on.
In a video courtesy of TMZ, a brave cameraman put on his best hazmat suit and approached Paris Hilton to ask her about how successful her – violent eye roll – DJ career is. And holy shit, did we get one of the most delusional sound bites of 2013:
DJ CVS-Brand Valtrex: New Years, I’m playing in Vegas at the Bellagio Hotel at Hyde.
TMZ: How lucrative is that?
DJ CVS-Brand Valtrex: I’m one of the Top 5 in the world, so…
It’s true, though. Say what you will about Paris Hilton, but she is an accomplished woman who holds several Top 5 records, including the Top 5 Reasons the Deaf Are Thankful and the Top 5 Ways Your Dick Could Rot Off (#2 under Leprosy).
TMZ later spoke to a source close to Paris, who backed up the validity of Paris’s claim, stating that she makes between $100K and $350K an hour DJ-ing. However, Forbes released their second-annual list of 2013’s highest-paid DJ’s, and Paris was notably absent. Ipso fucking facto, Parasite’s claim that she’s one of the Top 5 DJ’s in the World is bullshit. Unless Skrillex, Deadmau5, and Steve Aoki just died in a The Day The Shitty Music Died-style airplane crash and every remaining DJ retired out of respect, she’s still years away from cracking the Forbes Top 5,000 DJ’s list (and that includes your slow cousin fucking around on Pro Tools). But by then, she’ll have gotten bored with DJ-ing and will have moved on to a new hobby to be shitty at, like painting or being a mom (oh god, NO NO NO).
(Pic via Splash)