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December 27, 2013 / Posted by:

 

Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits! 

It’s a dark, scary, uncertain time in North America, because the future of Michelin star fine dining establishment Red Lobster is up in the air. For the past week, the lobster community has been cackling over the news that Darden, the company that owns a few chains including Red Lobster, is looking to sell it or spin off into a separate company (mostly, looking to sell it), because that shit isn’t making money and they want to make shareholders happy.

I grew up in the suburbs of L.A. and so all we really had were chain restaurants (presented on a bed of zero sarcasm) and Red Lobster was one of the finest and fanciest. You’d only go to that shit for special occasions. When I moved to NYC, I used to go to the Red Lobster in Times Square to keep the memories of my childhood alive and I’d sometimes wait up to 2 hours to sit down (yes, I’m trash, this has been established). I’d wait 2 hours to pay $50 for lobster that had the consistency of an overused rubber pussy toy and I’m sure it was really cat tongues with lobster flavoring. But it was worth it, because at the beginning of every meal, a basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits would land on the table. Red Lobster’s food is overpriced nastiness, but the Cheddar Bay Biscuits are Bisquick and cheddar drops of heaven for your mouth. Sometimes they’re so warm and so delicious that if they whispered in my ear, “Um, hey, baby, can you give me your ATM code and let me drive your car,” I’d give it to them. I’d give them my car keys, my ATM card and the credit card that still has some room on it. They’ve got me CheddarBayBiscuitmatized.

So yesterday, I was crying to my friend about how I know there’s a million recipes for Cheddar Bay Biscuits on the Internet, but it’s not the same and she goes, “You know they sell the mix at Walmart?” At that moment, I almost became a Spears, because I was so close to putting on my flip flops over my socks and driving over to Walmart to buy Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit mix. I didn’t do it, but if that’s what it comes to, I’ll do it.

But at least I know that if the Red Lobster kingdom crumbles, I can always get my Cheddar Bay Biscuit fix by making that crap myself (ugh) or buying the mix at the emporium of trash that is Walmart. Long live Cheddar Bay Biscuits!

Pic: Daily Press

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