Anti-dog racism activist Miley Cyrus twatted out this picture yesterday of her contagion tongue touching the tongue of model Cara Delvingne, because 45 seconds went by without her getting any attention, so she asked herself, “What would RiRi do?” RiRi would throw up a picture of her touching tongues with some chick and she’d gayelle it all the way up by adding a rainbow, so that’s exactly what her white girl understudy Miley Cyrus did. Right after this picture was taken, Miley and Cara laughed at their edginess and they laughed some more until Cara’s face turned green, her eyes rolled to the back of her head, foam spilled out of her mouth and an extra thick layer of bubbling yeast covered her tongue. Three men in masks from the health department ran in, covered Cara with plastic and dragged her off to a quarantine island with the other sick whores who made the mistake of touching Miley’s toxic gunk tongue. So that picture is an actually a PSA for the dangers of touching tongues with Miley Vyrus.
And in other Miley news, The New York Times interviewed her, because it’s a slow week and more relevant celebrities like Richard Simmons and Charo already turned them down. Here’s a few of the dingles that spilled out of her mouth and it’s a natural reaction to say “Bitch, you so edgy,” after every single one of her answers.
On if people saying she’s appropriating black cultural by having all-black dancers (among other things) has changed her personal thoughts about race: “My grandma, who is alive, was living in a time where there was no way in hell that she would’ve ever thought there would’ve been a black president. I mean, never. And my grandma’s like, not even 80, so this is in a short period of time that things have changed so much. I really thought about it a lot when Nelson Mandela passed away, because I couldn’t even imagine living this life and seeing how much it’s changed. So, you know, I look forward to when I’m older, my kids being like, “What do you mean people ever even talked about what color your dancers were?”
On how she doesn’t understand why some hos don’t want the world to see their tits: “You don’t have to be signed to Disney Channel to be put in a box, or to be rated PG. I’m with artists sometimes, and I’ll take a picture of them or whatever. They make me delete it. Yeah, it’s insane. I’ll get someone to, like, flash me, and they’ll be, like, ‘You have to delete it!’ I had to do that when I was 14 or 15, but even then I didn’t care. Like, if someone was videoing me ripping a bong, I didn’t care, so it’s just funny to me. I’m like: ‘Dude, you’re 30. Like, why can’t someone see a picture of your [breasts]?'”
On how she’s so edgy that if you just stand next to her, your edginess goes up ten million percent: “I don’t have a bunch of celeb friends, because I feel like some of them are a little scared of the association. This is terrible. I was backstage with Ariana Grande. I’m like, ‘Walk out with me right now and get this picture, and this will be the best thing that happens to you, because just you associating with me makes you a little less sweet.'”
On Joe Jonas saying that she and Demi Lovato introduced him to the good shit: “If you want to smoke weed, you’re going to smoke weed. There’s nothing that two little girls are going to get you to do that you don’t want to do. I thought maybe he was saying that like it was going to make him look badass.”
On how her thoughts are way too mature and complex for a 17-year-old to understand: “Right now, me doing any kind of cover for anything that’s like, a Seventeen or Teen Vogue or whatever, the way that I talk isn’t the way that people that are 17 really understand. There was a thing that Kurt Cobain said, something like, ‘There’s a special place in hell for people that glamorize drugs,’ and I never want to be that person that’s, like, talking to 16- and 17-year-olds and being like, ‘Smoke weed.’ I’ve got a little sister. I don’t want her to smoke weed, and it’s not because I think weed is bad, but — —”
The good news is that you probably didn’t read past the second question, because your brain melted and seeped out of your eye sockets.
And here’s Cara on the quarantine island after they had to amputate her tongue: