A little over a week ago, A&E put Phil Robertson on restriction for spewing out some anti-gay shit about beautiful man anuses and for saying that black people weren’t singing the blues during the Jim Crow-era. The entire hillbilly-for-pay Robertson family threatened to walk away from Duck Dynasty if A&E didn’t unsuspend Phil and put him back on the show. Cracker Barrel pulled Duck Dynasty shit off their shelves, but put that shit back on their shelves six seconds later, because so many of their customers cried about it. All of your relatives on Facebook scrapped over it and everybody suddenly became a First Amendment rights lawyer and shit. After all that, A&E decided that they just can’t let Duck Dynasty go and they took Phil off hiatus and filming will begin again in the Spring. After A&E kissed on Phil’s man anus and made up with him, they released this eye roll-inducing statement:
As a global media content company, A+E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect. We believe it is a privilege for our brands to be invited into people’s home and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals.
That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the mis-interpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A+E Networks expressed our disappointment with his statements in the article, and reiterate that they are not views we hold.
But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family… a family that America has come to love. As you might have seen in many episodes, they come together to reflect and pray for unity, tolerance and forgiveness. These are three values that we at A+E Networks also feel strongly about.
So after discussions with the Robertson family, as well as consulting with numerous advocacy groups, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family.
We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.
If that statement is labeled as TL;DR for you, then the short version is: Blah blah blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit we love MONAY too much to let Duck Dynasty go blah blah blah.
I’m guessing that A&E got the Robertsons to agree to a crossover episode of Duck Dynasty and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo where Uncle Poodle and Mama June teach Phil to not fear the man anus. It’ll air during sweeps.
And now those of us who never watched Duck Dynasty can continue to not watch Duck Dynasty. But I hope Fox News continues to have Sarah Palin on to talk about this crap, because it’s always comedy gold when she’s on: