Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Candy Claus, the only child of Santatown and the star of the worst cartoon Christmas TV special of all-time!

Cartoon Christmas specials were like crack to children (and stoners who laced their shit with PCP) in the 80s and at least one came out every damn year. When The Adventures of Candy Claus hit TV screens in 1987, I bet hard drug use amongst children went up at least 10,000%, because you had to smoke some of the bad shit to get through that shitty shit. Movies about dolls that come to life are never a good thing and The Adventures of Candy Claus was no exception.

In The Adventures of Candy Claus, some brat finds out that Santa Claus doesn’t get any presents for Christmas, so her genius ass makes him two dolls, a boy doll and a girl doll. Who the HELL gets an old man two dollies for Christmas? Is Santa’s born name Jerry Sandusky? Anyway, the town asshole, Oh No, steals the boy doll from Santa and Mrs. Claus. Santa and Mrs. Claus bring the girl doll alive by loving her and they name her Candy Claus. Candy Claus sounds like the name of the secret love child of Santa and some elf slut who grows to hate him and Christmas, becomes an atheist and moves to the red light district of the North Pole where she’s the only stripper working on December 25th. I’d totally party with Candy Claus.

Once Oh No finds out that Candy Claus is the only living child in Santatown, he gets jealous and tries to bring the boy doll, named Hey You (which is what OctoMom calls each one of her kids), to life. Since dolls only come to life through the power of love, Hey You doesn’t fully come to life. Hey You can’t walk right, can’t talk right and is always sleepy. ¬†Oh No then decides to destroy Candy Claus, so he uses some kind of weird magic to make her trip and fall all over the place. Since nobody wants a clumsy child and Candy Claus’ clumsiness becomes a problem, the elves hold a meeting to decide what to do with her ass. Candy Claus realizes that she’s not wanted and runs away to the snowy forest. Santa goes after her and just when Candy Claus is about to freeze to death, he finds her, gives her a present and they all sing a song. The end.

I sort of remembered watching this as a kid, so to brush up, I spent my Christmas morning watching pieces of this mess on YouTube. I don’t know what I watched and now I’m off to reach into my stocking, because hopefully there’s an 8-ball in there. I need to erase “candy, candy, candy, caaaaaandy” from my head.

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