Tis the season for giving… and I wish Kim Kartrashian would’ve given us the gift of Instagramming a picture of the one-way tickets to a luxurious winter resort town called Alert, Nunavut that someone called “HUMANITY” sent to her and Kanye Kartrashian. But sadly, she didn’t do that. Instead, Kim, being the modest whore she is, gifted the 99% with pictures of all the stupid, overpriced shit that stupid designers sent to her kid. Happy Christmas! Let’s all barf together.
After North West was born and Pimp Mama Kris raised her hooves into the night air while proclaiming her allegiance to the Illuminati demons for giving her another living, breathing ATM, a bunch of design houses sent over a bunch of fancy shit and Kim Instagrammed all that crap. Kim did it again and threw up pictures of designer shoes and clothes given to
Baby Nori Baby Seaweed by Stella McCartney, Giuseppe Zanotti, Charlotte Olympia and Michael Coste for Christmas.
It was really nice of Kim to remind us of her modesty and to also remind us that there’s designers out there who are ridiculous enough to send $300 black pussy flats to a baby who doesn’t give a butt bubble about what she’s wearing. I once hung out with a baby (I don’t do that often, but sometimes I’m forced to) at Christmas times and I made her an outfit out of gift ribbon and wrapping paper. She looked a mess, but she laughed and smiled like that outfit was made of magic. I sniffed at the wrapping paper while thinking that it was laced with weed that seeped into her skin and made her laugh, because she was freaking out about her wrapping paper dress. What I’m saying is that babies are simple creatures and love shit like ribbon headbands and the designers only sent Kim that crap to feed her gaping hole of an ego.
But you know, maybe those designers did Baby Seaweed a favor. While Kanye rants for hours about how he’s the one who first invented white fringed leather sneakers for babies and Kim queefs at her assistant to immediately put all that stuff on eBay, Baby Seaweed can escape without them finding out. Grab those Hermes slippers (you can sell ’em later for cash) and crawl, Baby Seaweed, crawl!