Cue The Hallelujah Chorus! Here’s Some Good News About The Kardashians

December 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Mark it on the calendar! Today is the day my heart grew 3 sizes too-big and my faith in humanity has been restored!! Who knew a story about the Kardashians would get me so drunk off jubilant happiness. Wait, what is this salty discharge coming from my eyes? Are these tears? Oh my god, I’m crying tears of happiness. Hashtag Blessed.

We should all be sending a muffin basket to Richard Johnson of Page Six today, because he’s reporting it’s time to take the over-cooked turkey we call the Kardashians out of the oven, because it looks like THEY’RE DONE:

“It’s over. The fatigue factor has really set in,” one magazine publisher told me. “None of the Kardashians, either alone or together, is selling.”

Sources say Jann Wenner paid $110,000 for a heavily retouched photo of Kim Kardashian in a white bikini, which he splashed on the Dec. 23 cover of Us Weekly under the headline, “My Body Is Back.”

But the glossy, which usually sells about a half million a week, sold fewer than 400,000 copies, an insider with access to circulation reports told me.

It’s not just Us Weekly: In Touch, Life & Style, and Star also see a major drop in sales when they put a Kardashian on the kover. The only Kardashian covers to see a spike in sales are I Hate Myself Weekly and Dumpy Famewhores, but those magazines have a limited circulation in the 7th Circle of Hell, so they don’t count.

It turns out our love affair with America’s PrinceAsses wasn’t meant to last as longer than Khole’s spanx (two hours and they’re just destroyed beyond belief) and there are a couple theories why:

“I think it’s because Kanye West is so nasty and aggressive. People don’t like him,” the publisher said. “It’s rubbed off on Kim. It’s rubbed off on the whole family.”

Marc Berman of TV Media Insights had a different explanation for why ratings of E!’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and its various spinoffs have sunk.

“It’s simple — overkill,” Berman said. “The Kardashians are everywhere. They never take a break.”

Overkill might be too gentle a word; Kris threw out every bottle of lube and let Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and the Sock One dry fuck us hard with their existence, and only took breaks to do botox shots with Satan.

Here’s more of a post-workout Hobbit Kim cruising the Shire shopping in Beverly Hills with a friend. Seriously though, looking at the side-profile shot of Kim makes me wonder if Frodo had a trampy girlfriend.

(Pics via Splash)


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