While the childhood of Charlie Sheens’ twins continues to be eaten by crack smoke as they act out by choking innocent dogs and little children, their father was focused on much more important matters: tweeting about Phil Robertson and Denise Richards. On Saturday, the warlock of crack chewed off Phil Robertson’s hillbilly beard with his gums, wiped his dirty ass with it and glued it back on Phil Robertson’s face. Charlie Sheen straight-up took a crack-laced shit in Phil Robertson’s jug of moonshine for spewing all that trash about man anuses. Charlie slapped at Phil the only way he knows how: with an eloquent open poem. Charlie’s open poem to Phil Robertson is long and you might have to swallow a cloud of crack smoke to fully understand it, but it is filled with a few coke-dusted gems. It’s after the cut. “Shower dodger” should totally be added to Kristen Stewart’s business card.
hey Mallard brained
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)
your statements were and are
the idea that you have a job
outside of dirt-clod stacking
is a miracle.
the only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the
re-runs of that dated show.
the only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head.
perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the
army of scabies and
bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts.
shame on you.
you’re the only surviving
brain donor I’ve ever known.
when the gators and Egrets
kick you out of their
you need to make serious amends to those you have
on the eight day
when I was whittling my cosmic banjo,
I’m pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and
locate the nearest
repulsed by you;
Duck; that was me.
After I read Charlie’s poem, a weird feeling grew inside of me. It’s that weird feeling you feel when you sort of nod your head in agreement while reading a messy poem written by a noted corroded asshole who’s got dried-up warlock warts for brains and a face like Gollum’s nutsack. I actually kind of agreed with something Charlie Sheen tweeted. Did someone sprinkle crack dust over my weed stash or is the universe trying to tell me that really anything is possible. But Charlie Sheen made shit right again when he acted like the swollen urethra he is by going after the woman who took care of his twin boys when she didn’t have to.
Charlie is still mad at Denise for allegedly not inviting him to a holiday trip with their daughters. TMZ somehow got a hold of a bunch of texts (cut to Irv Richards making an “It wasn’t moi!” face) sent by Charlie to Denise after she apparently refused to let him drop by to give the girls Christmas gifts. Charlie kept it subtle as always:
Charlie expressed his anger in a series of texts … saying, “lemme see if I got this straight; you won’t even spring the girls for 30 mins, from the 10 mil house I gave you, (100 yds away) to come down and open the gifts their dad bought them before they leave??”
“I hope your stocking is bronze-age coal stuffed along with an assortment of 8×10’s of yours so you can see how despicable and heartlessly ugly you and your fermented soul continue to be.”
He added, “hash tag. hag shag.”
And this morning, Charlie really went back to being a pus-filled taint pimple when he put his hate for Denise and Phil together in one tweet:
I came up
should get married!
then he can practice
the Bestiality he
Now THAT’S the Charlie Sheen we all know!