Tom Cruise Settled That $50 Million Lawsuit Against The Tabloids

When most of us get a little in our eye, we freak out, throw him off of us and scream, “My goddamn contact is probably fucked now!” But when Tommy Girl gets a little in his eye, he laughs it off. See, Scientologists can teach us something. When you get some in your eye, laugh and do a pirate impression.

So, The Hollywood Reporter delivered some sad news last night. That $50 million lawsuit that Tommy Girl threw at Bauer Media Group, the company that publishes Life & Style and InTouch Weekly, for saying that he abandoned Suri Cruise has been settled. We’ll no longer get anymore fuckery-covered jewels like the ones we got when his deposition was released. THR said that lawyers for both Tommy Girl and Bauer filed papers in a California federal court yesterday stating that they’ve both shook each other’s dicks and agreed to stop the madness. They didn’t shit out any details beyond that, but they did say that both sides will pay their own legal bills. Bauer released this statement:

“Bauer Publishing, as well as In Touch and Life & Style magazines, never intended to communicate that Tom Cruise had cut off all ties and abandoned his daughter, Suri, and regret if anyone drew that inference from anything they published.”

This Christmas has turned out to be the worst. First we find out that Vanity Fair has used their tongue to polish the solid gold leaf on Goopy Paltrow’s anus and their takedown story was just a PR fairy tale. Now we find out that Tommy has settled and there won’t be a trial,  which means he won’t take the stand and give us more stupid eye rolling fuel like, “….location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan.”

Either Bauer thought they were going to lose or they were scared that David Miscarriage would get his goons to kidnap all their family members and throw them in the same underground cell with his wife, so they gave Tommy Girl a pile of money to make the lawsuit go away. Or Tommy Girl really didn’t want anymore of his crazy alien skeletons flying out of the closet and didn’t want Katie Holmes to testify, so he pulled out. Whatever the case may be, we’re the ones who lost. Just think of how the court room artiste would’ve captured Tommy Girl’s contorted little troll face as he was asked to put his tiny hand on a book that isn’t Dianetics. He’d make the same face I’d make if they asked me to put my hand on a book that isn’t Hollywood Wives by Jackie Collins.