Vanity Fair And Goopy Paltrow Air Kissed And Made Up

December 20, 2013 / Posted by:

And this is why you should never trust a magazine editor who looks like Hermey the Dentist’s evil British grandmother. Those curled up “ehehehehehe” eyebrows make him look like he’s always in the middle of plotting a diabolical plan to trick you and ruin Christmas. I should’ve known…

So that GOOP takedown piece from Vanity Fair went from a level 10 ESCANDALO to a level 10 SNOOOOZE and now it’s probably not going to happen at all. Vanity Fair was coming for Goopy Paltrow after she refused to partake in a cover story about her life, because she thinks the magazine is trash and she’d never read it even if it was printed on paper made from a 4,800 year-old Methuselah tree and written in solid platinum ink and had nothing but articles about wood-burning outdoor pizza ovens in it. She also told all of her fancy friends to keep their lips closed if Vanity Fair calls them. Vanity Fair’s editor Graydon Carter made his editors sniff in all of the crevices of Goopy’s life for something juicy and he was planning to give us a takedown that would feed our souls. Vanity Fair’s takedown was supposed to be the 9″ permanently hard dicks of magazine takedowns. But then it went flaccid earlier this month when some source said that Vanity Fair’s piece was going to be soft. Now, UsWeekly says that Vanity Fair might not even publish the piece, because Graydon has dropped all of his weapons after talking to Goopy.

“Gwyneth and Graydon spoke on the phone a few weeks ago. They worked out some of their differences. There may be a story, but it won’t be as bad as it originally was going to be.”

UsWeekly’s inside source is either Goopy, Graydon, Graydon’s assistant, Goopy’s assistant, Vanity Fair’s publicist or some other type who wasn’t looking forward to unwrapping Vanity Fair’s anti-GOOP takedown on Christmas Day. Because they sound so calm and “meh‘ about it. If that was me, I’d add, “And I’m telling you this devastating news in between downing a Taco Bell and laxatives shake. Because I plan to break into Graydon Carter’s townhouse, shit in all of his stockings, open up all of his presents, pull everything out, shit in all of the boxes and rewrap them. You ruin my Christmas and I’ll ruin yours, GRAY! DON! CAR! TER!” 

Yes, that might seem like an exaggeration, but when it comes to an evil magazine mogul playing with our emotions and lying to us about a GOOP takedown during the holidays, there’s no such thing as an exaggeration.

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