Warner Bros. Wants Joaquin Phoenix To Play Lex Luthor

December 19, 2013 / Posted by:

I wish that in every picture of Joaquin Phoenix, a hairy halo was hanging above his head. Or maybe that’s a thin, long cloud of stank shit (à la Pig Pen)? Whatever it is, it should hang above Joaquin’s head in every picture.

So, Zack Snyder and a bunch of Warner Bros. executives were smoking heroin and mainlining LSD in one of their offices when he asked the question, “How in the hell can we make even more people barf out an ocean of WTFs?” A light bulb popped up over one of the execs’ head and they said, “I know! Let’s cast Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Luthor!” Then the light bulb broke and they used it to smoke crack before deciding that they should also cast Carrie Underwood as Maria von Trapp as Black Canary.

Variety’s sources say that Zack Snyder and Warner Bros. have offered the skid row stunt queen Joaquin Phoenix a role in that untitled Batman vs. Superman movie. The sources wouldn’t say which role Zack Snyder wants Joaquin Phoenix for, but Variety believes they want him for the main villain, which is supposedly Lex Luthor. Apparently, Joaquin didn’t immediately fart in their faces even though he said before that he’s not really into big-budget blockbusters anymore. Joaquin is supposedly thinking of taking it. He’s also thinking of starring in Gus Van Sant’s next movie. He’s doing a lot of thinking, but one question we know he isn’t asking himself is the question: “Should I bathe today?”

So, these bitches cast someone other than Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, are close to adding another superhero to this shit and now this? Eh, I really don’t hate it. I wouldn’t mind seeing a bald Joaquin Phoenix awkwardly mumble about how he’s going to destroy Superman while wondering why in every deity’s name he said yes to that mess. I doubt Joaquin says yes, unless he can find a way to spin it as a performance art exercise. Besides, the CDC will try to stop this from happening. Because when Joaquin Phoenix shaves his head, where are the trillions of colonies of lice living in his hair going to go?! Put on your lice-proof head caps now.

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