People Are Still Losing Their Minds Over This Duck Dynasty Thing (UPDATE: The Entire Family Pulls Out)

December 19, 2013 / Posted by:

What’s really surprised me about this whole Duck Dynasty mess is how many disciples they have. Yes, I see their faces all over Bed, Bath & Beyond and sometimes Target and I know it’s the most-watched basic cable show or some shit, but I didn’t realize that so many people worshipped a bunch of hillbillies who made their fortune from seducing ducks. I have Facebook relatives (a Facebook relative is a relative you only see on Facebook, there’s a reason for that) who are throwing up that I STAND BY PHIL picture and I never would’ve guessed those whores watched that show. Before all of this, if I asked them if they knew what Duck Dynasty is, I’d expect them to say, “Is it a Chinese restaurant in Monterey Park or a DuckTales spin-off on Disney Junior?” But they know what it is and they STAND BY PHIL. There are others who are screaming that A&E suspending Phil for the shit he said about man anus, gays and black people signals the fall of America. Yes, a reality star getting fired from a reality show is the beginning of the end of civilization. Crazy bitches. But then again, I did sort of say the same thing when HBO canceled The Comeback.

Anyway, A&E and Phil Robertson are still trending on Twitter. Everybody thought that the entire Robertson family would’ve pulled out of the show by now, but they haven’t. TMZ says that two of Duck Dynasty’s sponsors, Skyjacker (I’m guessing that’s a product that allows you to jack off on a plane discreetly) and Under Armour, are standing by Phil and not canceling any of their ads. The publisher of the #1 book that Phil Robertson’s ghost writer wrote defended him (duh) to Radar and said that he’s always treated them nicely. Deadline says that some Christian group called Faith Driven Consumer has started a petition demanding that A&E apologize to Phil and all of Duck Dynasty’s viewers for “censoring” him for “quoting the Bible.

The Governor of Louisiana also shat out his own “the fuck?” statement saying that it’s a messed up country when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh and Phil Robertson gets suspended. And of course, Sarah Palin piped in, because what else does she have to do? She’s also going to be screaming about this on Fox News tonight, because again, what else does she have to do?

Free speech is an endangered species. Those “intolerants” hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us.

I’ve been watching people go back and forth about the “freedom of speech” thing on Facebook. It’s hilarious and sad. One ho will scream, “Phil’s freedom of speech was taken away,” and someone will have to explain to them that they’re kind of wrong since Phil isn’t exactly washing his own man anus around other man anuses in a shower room in prison. Phil freely said his opinion and A&E said, “Err, saying all that shit violated our contract. Bye, bitch.” Same shit happened to Martin Bashir. It’s kind of like if Allison or Megan said to me on IM, “Shauna Sand is a skanky piece of ugly trash! I hate her!” I’d have to fire them, because it’s in their contract that they can’t hate on the Empress of Lucite. It’s against my religion to hate on such beauty. Oh wait, it’s not in their contract, because they don’t have a contract. Fuck me green! I know they’re going to be talking some shit about Shauna Sand tomorrow to taunt me.

All of my feeds are filled with nothing but this Duck Dynasty crap, but you know what’s really disappointing? Not one of those stories is about how a gay porn parody called Dick Dynasty is currently in production. Come on, gay porn industry, don’t let me down!

UPDATE: Remember how I said the entire family hasn’t quit that bitch to STAND WITH PHIL yet? Well, I hit the publish button too soon, because they just queefed out a statement of words on their site saying that they won’t film without Phil.

We want to thank all of you for your prayers and support. The family has spent much time in prayer since learning of A&E’s decision. We want you to know that first and foremost we are a family rooted in our faith in God and our belief that the Bible is His word. While some of Phil’s unfiltered comments to the reporter were coarse, his beliefs are grounded in the teachings of the Bible. Phil is a Godly man who follows what the Bible says are the greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Phil would never incite or encourage hate.We are disappointed that Phil has been placed on hiatus for expressing his faith, which is his constitutionally protected right.We have had a successful working relationship with A&E but, as a family, we cannot imagine the show going forward without our patriarch at the helm. We are in discussions with A&E to see what that means for the future of Duck Dynasty. Again, thank you for your continued support of our family.

And now I’m off to Facebook and Twitter to watch the meltdowns as my man anus puckers.

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