Even though I live by the mantra You don’t start no shit there won’t be no shit, I can still respect a street bitch who lives by Come at me; especially when it comes from an unexpected place. Martha Stewart may look like your favorite Sunday School teacher who worked part-time at a Coldwater Creek outlet store, but deep-down she’s a stone-cold thug who sleeps with one eye open and holds a roll of pennies in her right fist at all times. Prison didn’t change Martha; it just brought the real Martha out (her prison name is Glue Gunz).
TMZ recently caught up with Martha Stewart and asked her the million-dollar question regarding wanna-be Martha, Gwyneth Paltrow (“Where could one buy this million-dollar question?” – Gwyneth Paltrow). Wilmer Valderrama got that phantom feeling he had a job again, because Martha turned that parking lot out like she was filming an episode of MTV’s Yo Momma:
TMZ: So, in these days, who’s still the better lifestyle coach, you or Gwyneth?
Martha Stewart: Lifestyle coach? Oh for heaven’s sake, you have to live to be a coach.
Martha then dropped a spatula like a mic and did the crip walk with Snoop Dogg. I fucking wiiiiiiiiish! No, but I bet she did get a text from Sir Ian McKellen that said: “Can you come over and help me write something?”
That TMZ photographer needs to ditch the camera and apply to be a late-night talk show sidekick, because he set-up that joke for Martha like a pro. This isn’t the first time Martha has reminded us who the real Head Bitch In Charge Of Outdoor Pizza Ovens is, but it is the cuntiest. My computer just auto-corrected ‘cuntiest’ to contest. No, computer, you’re wrong – it’s not a contest; a contest is a struggle for superiority or victory between rivals. Gwyneth is so far out of Martha’s league, she could barely place in a Would You Rather contest between herself and Martha’s chow chow Genghis Khan (because – duh – the dog would win every time).
Does Martha have a bony barn cat? Maybe an undercooked plate of pasta that hasn’t made it to the trash yet? I mean, if we’re going to fight, it at least needs to be a fair fight.
Here’s Gwyneth hiding her face from the embarrassment of being burned by Martha while arriving at JFK with her kids yesterday.