You truly haven’t lived until you have at least one butt plug story to tell. On the Scientology entry application, the first question is, “Do you have a butt plug story to tell?” If you check “no,” a trap door opens up and drops you into a tiled room where John Travolta is waiting with a wink and a lubed-up butt plug. They instantly give you a butt plug story to tell. They aren’t totally good for nothing.
Anyway, the greatest American who ever existed, Jennifer Lawrence, backed away from her desk, where she was writing the “No Calling People Fat On TV” law that she’ll put into effect when she becomes president in 2017, and went on Conan to whore out that American Hustle movie. Conan asked her what she would be if she wasn’t a millionaire movie star and she said she’d be a maid (uh huh), which led to her telling a story about how a hotel maid found a box of butt plugs in her room once. The box of butt plugs were a gag gift (because I guess they’ll make her butthole gag) from a friend. Before she left her room, she tried to hide the ass corks under the bed. She did a shit job of hiding them, because the maid found them and displayed them on the bedside table. It looked like a glorious nativity scene starring all the Kardashians.
But what I want to know is, who is this “friend” who gave Jennifer Lawrence a bunch of butt plugs for free? Can she give this “friend” my address in case this “friend” is ever in the mood again to gift a ho with a bunch of butt plugs. I’m a size 12.