I guess it’s safe to call 2013 the year that true love died; so much dust has been bitten in the past 12 months, it’s like The Grim Reaper of Relationships opened an all-you-can-eat dust buffet (I’d like to think Tan Mom’s split was the dusty hand-carved roast beef of the buffet. And yes, I have NO idea what that means). But the Grim Reaper proved he wasn’t full from 28 plates of boring hetero relationships and decided on drag queens for dessert. WASN’T MADONNA AND BABY BRAHIM ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?
According to People, it’s time to throw on some latex gloves and wheel another relationship into the morgue, because Sharon Needles (The First Lady of Nightmares) and Alaska (Most Likely To Be Mistaken For A Drowsy Tori Spelling) took their relationship to the Interior Illusions Lounge, let it polish off 12-14 Absolut cocktails, and fall asleep into a pool of its own vomit, because it’s officially dead:
Needles, who won season 4 of the show, and Alaska, who was a runner up the following season, announced their breakup “on good terms” in a tongue-in-cheek press release, and included their wish “to clarify their intentions to admirers who may question the reason behind this mutual decision not to continue their relationship.”
“The survival of our partnership relies on simply changing the word ‘boy’ in boyfriend to ‘best,’” Needles says. “And because of my severe vanity, I’d like to keep my social media as a place dedicated to my art, and not a place to talk about my personal life.”
“RuPaul once said that people come into our lives for different reasons for different intervals of time,” says Needles of her relationship, which began when they met in Pittsburgh. “I will treasure the four years we had together.”
Sharon, help me lift this heavy box filled with oh, puh-lease. Post-breakup, everyone acts all Oprah’s Next Chapter-level zen until you run into your ex a week later at the mall getting a fucking Wetzel’s Pretzles with some trick-ass ho, and then you find yourself in the parking lot keying ‘YOU COULDN’T WAIT TILL MY CORPSE WAS COLD BEFORE YOU FUCKED ALL OVER MY GRAVE?!?’ on the hood of their car. I mean…not that I know from experience. Sharon, I have..uh..a friend who thinks you should avoid the mall for the next couple months.
(Pic via Tumblr)