Prince George’s Auntie Is Getting Married

December 18, 2013 / Posted by:

UsWeekly says that Duchess Kate’s blanched and sun-cooked turnip of a sister Pippa Middleton has an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger after her 36-year-old banker boyfriend of 15 months Nico Jackson proposed to her earlier this month. Prince George just rolled his newborn eyes to the right, pooted out a fart and cooed out, “She’s STILL trying it?”

A source tells UsWeekly that Pippa and Nico (which sounds like the names of Hoops&Yoyo’s greatest greeting card rivals) got engaged while vacationing at some fancy resort in India. The source said, “It was exactly how he planned it. Very romantic and grand!” Pippa and Nico will probably get married sometime next year as soon as they finish getting as many covers of Hello! and OK! as possible from this engagement.

In the darkest room of Kunty Karl’s underground dungeon, Choupette Lagerfeld nibbles on crushed diamonds from her maid’s palm as he uses a human bone pencil to sketch a wedding dress design for his all-time favorite British beauty Pippa Middleton. His sketch looks something like this:

kuntykarlweddingdress

And I’m calling it now, Morrissey is total writing a special bridal march song for her.

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