It’s been almost 72 hours since the Internet cracked open and hospitals reported a 100,000% rise in concussions from hos falling back out of their chairs while downloading Beyonce’s new visual album masterpiece. The world will never be the same again and I’m sure everyone’s spending their weekend writing a 10,000 word essay on where they were when Beyonce’s album came out. They would be in church today thanking the Gods for this gift, but on the front door of every church is the note: CLOSED TODAY, GO CLEANSE YOUR SOUL BY LISTENING TO BEYONCE’S MUSICAL BIBLE INSTEAD.
Rap-Up reports that the BumbleBeys bought 80,000 copies in just 3 hours after it went up on iTunes. 24 hours later, 430,000 copies were snatched up. And HITS Daily Double says that she sold another 70,000 copies yesterday bringing the total number of downloads to 500,000 in just 48 hours. It will debut at #1 on Billboard and some predict that another 100,000 copies will be bought before the sales week ends. Lady CaCa sold 258,000 copies of ARTPOP in the US in its first week, Miley Cyrus sold 270,000 copies of Bangerz in the US in its first week and 286,000 copies of Katy Perry’s Prism were sold in the US in its first week. Beyonce pretty much scalped all those bitches without even whispering about this shit.
The release of Beyonce’s musical Bible also got more tweets per minute than Sharknado did. Sharknado pulled out 5,000 tweets per minute and Beyonce’s album pulled out 5,300 tweets per minute.
Yes, I know Christmas should be renamed Beysmas and every December we should hang lace fronts on our mantles and celebrate the day Beyonce’s album was born, but I’m really not that impressed. Do you know who sold 107,000 copies with basically zero promo and less than zero effort? Exactly:
And Brit Brit didn’t even have to get in front of a mic to record all those songs on Britney Jean. Engineers and producers just pieced together her voice from other songs and a ghost singer filled in the rest. Our Lady of Cheetos doesn’t even have to take the Frapp straw out of her mouth to sell a 100,000 copies. Beyonce could never. Top that Beyonce! (Cut to next week when Beyonce releases an EP of her fart sounds and sells 2 million copies in 20 minutes.)