Lance Armstrong has a well-documented history of winning almost every damn bicycle race he was ever in (you’d better be singing Queen right now) in a long career filled with doping and being an asshole and all-around dickbag. Retired Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli told Corriere della Sera (via the NY Post) that in 1993 when the bangs were big, the jeans were acid washed and the livin’ was easy, Lance bribed him and other riders to look the other way as he broke away in order to win the $1 million prize in the Thrift Drug Triple Crown (I shit you not on that name).
Roberto says he received $100,000 from Lance but the amount the other riders were paid is unclear, maybe because it wasn’t neatly enclosed in the most promising form of gift wrap on the planet- a pastry box!
“It was a young American colleague,” Roberto Gaggioli told the Corriere della Sera, according to a translation. ”He offered me a panettone [a traditional Italian Christmas cake] as a present and wished me a merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills. That colleague was Lance Armstrong.
“Lance said that my team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been decided.”
You know how I know my New Year’s resolution to eat less crap is going to fail spectacularly by dinnertime on January 1? My first reaction was to be irrationally pissed off on Roberto’s behalf that there was no cake in the box. This is the hungry bitch version of giving your girlfriend an empty ring box with the promise to fill it one day when you propose to her. You meant well, I can see what you tried to do there, but NO. The rules are as follows: Ring in the box. Cake in the box. Dick in the box. Got it, Lance??
I wish I could be surprised Lance would shit on the sanctity of baked goods by cheapening it with lots and lots of American dollars, but since he already shat all over the sanctities of marriage, sportsmanship and honesty, I’m pretty much dying of a heart attack from not surprise.