Why Does God Let Bad Things Happen To Good Movies?

December 13, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s some news that will take your day from bad to worse (or maybe just bad to meh). Variety is confirming your suspicion that Hollywood is run by Satan, a sick monkey at an old iMac, and a half-eaten turkey sandwich, because they’ve announced that the next franchise to be desecrated with a reboot is The Naked Gun starring Ed Helms. Roger Ebert and Leslie Nielsen just gave this idea 4 thumbs down from Heaven (“When you only see two thumbs up, it is then that I rated a movie for you” – Jesus):

Detective Frank Drebin is coming back with Ed Helms on board to portray Leslie Nielsen’s character in Paramount’s reboot of “The Naked Gun” comedy franchise.

The studio has tapped the scripting team of Thomas Lennon and R. Ben Garant — best known for the “Night at the Museum” and “Reno 911″ franchises, to write the screenplay as a new spin on the Drebin character.

Helms starred in The Hangover trilogy and We’re the Millers and recently recently wrapped Stretch opposite Chris Pine and Patrick Wilson.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Surely they can’t be serious (“don’t call me Shirley”). I KNOW that line is from a different Leslie Nielsen movie, but cut me a break, I’m fucking devastated here! I’d be the first to donate a kidney to anyone from Reno 911! but have any of you seen Night at the Museum 2? That’s not what you lead with when you’re trying to convince people you’re not about to burn a classic comedy franchise to the ground and pee-pee on the ashes. They should have just said “Reno 911! was great, right? You want another movie from those guys?” and then just left it ambiguous so that film dorks like me don’t take to the internet and rage (oh, the irony).

And you’re on watch, Variety copywriter; you can throw around words like Sundance and Patrick Wilson all you want, but it won’t change my mind that this movie is going to be a bigger disaster than letting a pilled-up Anna Nicole present at the Billboard Awards (No no, that joke makes sense; she was in Naked Gun 33⅓. Look, it was that or an OJ Simpson joke, and telling an OJ joke on Friday the 13th is bad juju).

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