If The Mighty O Had Kids, They’d Hate Her Ass

The Mighty O has made it clear before that motherhood is something she never tried to reach for and she never had the urge to push a human out of her heavenly oyster. Oprah wanted other things and besides, she already tried to raise a bald asshole who constantly dribbles out lukewarm nonsense, is always crying for attention and reeks of wet shit. His name is Dr. Phil.

Oprah tells The Hollywood Reporter that if she did have her own kids, they’d be calling their team of nannies “mom” while she was off ruling the world and saving us all!

“Gayle [now a mother of two] was the kind of kid who, in seventh grade Home Ec class, was writing down her name and the names of her children. While she was having those kind of daydreams, I was having daydreams about how I could be Martin Luther King. If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would’ve probably been them.”

So, Oprah’s kids would hate her, talk shit about her and sell her out. That sounds like 50% of kids in the world and 99.9% of the kids in Hollywood. Sounds normal to me! But I get it, Oprah is the Earth’s mother, which means that we’re kind of like her kids, which means that she should expect us to call every other day crying for a loan (Note: loans from moms are on a sliding-scale, so Oprah can give us like $20 million each). And just like my real mom, she can pick up the phone, see my name, hit the ignore button and continue watching Untold Stories of the ER.