The SAG Award Nominations Brought To You By The Beautiful Butt Dent On The Actor Statue

December 11, 2013 / Posted by:

The SAG Award nominations were announced today and that’s my cue to make a dumb joke (“Isn’t it ALWAYS your cue to make a dumb joke?” – you) about how Lindsay Lohan’s tits took all the nominations. As I was skipping through thrilling pictures of Sasha Alexander and Clark Gregg at the nominations event this morning, my eyes stopped on the pear-shaped dent in the SAG statue’s nalgas. Don’t you just want to lay your head on it at the end of the day? It’s the perfect resting place for your woes. And yes, I’d hit that statue. My desperation knows no bounds.

The SAG Award nominations were announced in L.A. this morning and whores are screaming “SNUBBED!” at Robert Redford, Octavia  Spencer, Michael B. Jordan, Amy Poehler, Orange is the New Black and Kanye West not getting a nomination. Yes, the only whore screaming “SNUBBED!” about Kanye West not getting nominated is Kanye West and no, he wasn’t in any movies in 2013, but everybody knows that Kanye West should get a nomination for everything.

All of the nominations are after the cut and it looks like we’ll soon live in a world where Jordan Catalano will be up for an Oscar. If he gets the SAG, bitch better thank Rickie.

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
BRUCE DERN / Woody Grant – “NEBRASKA” (Paramount Pictures)
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR / Solomon Northup – “12 YEARS A SLAVE” (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
TOM HANKS / Capt. Richard Phillips – “CAPTAIN PHILLIPS” (Columbia Pictures)
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY / Ron Woodroof – “DALLAS BUYERS CLUB” (Focus Features)
FOREST WHITAKER / Cecil Gaines – “LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER” (The Weinstein Company)

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
CATE BLANCHETT / Jasmine – “BLUE JASMINE” (Sony Pictures Classics)
SANDRA BULLOCK / Ryan Stone – “GRAVITY” (Warner Bros. Pictures)
JUDI DENCH / Philomena Lee – “PHILOMENA” (The Weinstein Company)
MERYL STREEP / Violet Weston – “AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY” (The Weinstein Company)
EMMA THOMPSON / P.L. Travers – “SAVING MR. BANKS” (Walt Disney Pictures)

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
BARKHAD ABDI / Muse – “CAPTAIN PHILLIPS” (Columbia Pictures)
DANIEL BRÜHL / Niki Lauda – “RUSH” (Universal Pictures)
MICHAEL FASSBENDER / Edwin Epps – “12 YEARS A SLAVE” (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
JAMES GANDOLFINI / Albert – “ENOUGH SAID” (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
JARED LETO / Rayon – “DALLAS BUYERS CLUB” (Focus Features)

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
JENNIFER LAWRENCE / Rosalyn Rosenfeld – “AMERICAN HUSTLE” (Columbia Pictures)
LUPITA NYONG’O / Patsey – “12 YEARS A SLAVE” (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
JULIA ROBERTS / Barbara Weston – “AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY” (The Weinstein Company)
JUNE SQUIBB / Kate Grant – “NEBRASKA” (Paramount Pictures)
OPRAH WINFREY / Gloria Gaines – “LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER” (The Weinstein Company)

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
12 YEARS A SLAVE (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
AMERICAN HUSTLE (Columbia Pictures)
AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY (The Weinstein Company)
DALLAS BUYERS CLUB (Focus Features)
LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER (The Weinstein Company)

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
MATT DAMON / Scott Thorson – “BEHIND THE CANDELABRA” (HBO)
MICHAEL DOUGLAS / Liberace – “BEHIND THE CANDELABRA” (HBO)
JEREMY IRONS / King Henry IV – “THE HOLLOW CROWN” (WNET/Thirteen)
ROB LOWE / John F. Kennedy – “KILLING KENNEDY” (National Geographic Channel)
AL PACINO / Phil Spector – “PHIL SPECTOR” (HBO)

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
ANGELA BASSETT / Coretta Scott King – “BETTY & CORETTA” (Lifetime)
HELENA BONHAM CARTER / Elizabeth Taylor – “BURTON AND TAYLOR” (BBC America)
HOLLY HUNTER / G.J. – “TOP OF THE LAKE” (Sundance Channel)
HELEN MIRREN / Linda Kenney Baden – “PHIL SPECTOR” (HBO)
ELISABETH MOSS / Robin Griffin – “TOP OF THE LAKE” (Sundance Channel)

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
STEVE BUSCEMI / Enoch “Nucky” Thompson – “BOARDWALK EMPIRE” (HBO)
BRYAN CRANSTON / Walter White – “BREAKING BAD” (AMC)
JEFF DANIELS / Will McAvoy – “THE NEWSROOM” (HBO)
PETER DINKLAGE / Tyrion Lannister – “GAME OF THRONES” (HBO)
KEVIN SPACEY / Francis Underwood – “HOUSE OF CARDS” (Netflix)

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
CLAIRE DANES / Carrie Mathison – “HOMELAND” (Showtime)
ANNA GUNN / Skyler White – “BREAKING BAD” (AMC)
JESSICA LANGE / Fiona Goode – “AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN” (FX)
MAGGIE SMITH / Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham – “DOWNTON ABBEY” (PBS)
KERRY WASHINGTON / Olivia Pope – “SCANDAL” (ABC)

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
ALEC BALDWIN / Jack Donaghy – “30 ROCK” (NBC)
JASON BATEMAN / Michael Bluth – “ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT” (Netflix)
TY BURRELL / Phil Dunphy – “MODERN FAMILY” (ABC)
DON CHEADLE / Martin “Marty” Kaan – “HOUSE OF LIES” (Showtime)
JIM PARSONS / Sheldon Cooper – “THE BIG BANG THEORY” (CBS)

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
MAYIM BIALIK / Amy Farrah Fowler – “THE BIG BANG THEORY” (CBS)
JULIE BOWEN / Claire Dunphy – “MODERN FAMILY” (ABC)
EDIE FALCO / Jackie Peyton – “NURSE JACKIE” (Showtime)
TINA FEY / Liz Lemon – “30 ROCK” (NBC)
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS / Vice President Selina Meyer – “VEEP” (HBO)

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
BREAKING BAD (AMC)
DOWNTON ABBEY (PBS)
GAME OF THRONES (HBO)
HOMELAND (Showtime)

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
30 ROCK (NBC)
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (Netflix)
THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
VEEP (HBO)

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture
ALL IS LOST (Lionsgate)
FAST & FURIOUS 6 (Universal Pictures)
LONE SURVIVOR (Universal Pictures)
RUSH (Universal Pictures)
THE WOLVERINE (20th Century Fox)

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series
BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
BREAKING BAD (AMC)
GAME OF THRONES (HBO)
HOMELAND (Showtime)
THE WALKING DEAD (AMC)

LIFE ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Rita Moreno!!!!!!

Pics: Wenn.com

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