Miley Cyrus Was Not Named TIME’s Person Of The Year

December 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Earlier this month, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Tish Cyrus and Trace Cyrus went down into the “Miley 4 TIME’s Person of the Year” control center in the basement and used their fingers, toes, tongues, peen tips and hooves to vote for their hillbilly golden child over and over again. They tried it, but it’s the Catholic abuelitas who are doing the victory twerk today. Club bouncer turned super priest Pope Francis was chosen by editors as Miss TIME 2013. Pope Franny beat out Edward Snowden (second place), Edith Windsor (third place), Bashar Assad (fourth place), Ted Cruz (fifth place) and my personal choice La Vampy (first place in my heart). TIME called Pope Franny the “People’s Pope” and explained their choice like this:

But what makes this Pope so important is the speed with which he has captured the imaginations of millions who had given up on hoping for the church at all. People weary of the endless parsing of sexual ethics, the buck-passing infighting over lines of authority when all the while (to borrow from Milton), “the hungry Sheep look up, and are not fed.” In a matter of months, Francis has elevated the healing mission of the church—the church as servant and comforter of hurting people in an often harsh world—above the doctrinal police work so important to his recent predecessors. John Paul II and Benedict XVI were professors of theology. Francis is a former janitor, nightclub bouncer, chemical technician and literature teacher.

And behind his self-effacing facade, he is a very canny operator. He makes masterly use of 21st century tools to perform his 1st century office. He is photographed washing the feet of female convicts, posing for selfies with young visitors to the Vatican, embracing a man with a deformed face. He is quoted saying of women who consider abortion because of poverty or rape, “Who can remain unmoved before such painful situations?” Of gay people: “If a homosexual person is of good will and is in search of God, I am no one to judge.” To divorced and remarried Catholics who are, by rule, forbidden from taking Communion, he says that this crucial rite “is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.”

Obvious choice is obvious. Whenever I see shit saying that Pope Francis is progressive and changing the face of the Catholic church, Oda Mae Brown takes over my body and I say, “You in danger, Pope.

And when I saw that cover first thing this morning, I thought it was Alan Alda in a really hot outfit. That makes me ask: Why in the hell hasn’t Alan Alda ever been Person of the Year?!

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