Well, Look Who Paddled In On The Nope Boat

December 10, 2013 / Posted by:

All the pieces of peanut butter toast I ended up eating every time I wandered away from my laptop shaking my damn head at those Johnny Depp pictures are coming in handy. They’re soaking up the bile that wants to come up after seeing this Liz Taylor-inspired selfie Kim Kardashian posted on her Instagram.

Every damn thing in that picture is a cheap knockoff! The Lee press-on nails. The ring that looks like it’s from the “Bitch, You Ain’t Foolin’ NOBODY With That CZ” Collection from Claire’s. The eyelashes that I’m pretty sure were harvested from the split end trimmings of Bruce’s ponytail. If Macs came with a scratch ‘n sniff screen, there’s no doubt in my mind that the smell wafting from it would either be the generic White Diamonds from Walgreens or the scent of the Scrubbing Bubbles gel Kim dabs behind her ears.

When Lindsay Lohan wakes up after a long night of Bible study and keeping her nose clean, she’s going to take one look at Kim’s picture and go apeshit. Lifetime had better up their prop room security and keep a weather eye out for a freckled shadow trying to break in and snatch the wig from the Liz & Dick Rubbermaid tote. Lindsay’s gonna have to stop posting holiday self lies and turn her WERK IT up to “high” if she’s going to fail to upstage Kim failing to upstage Liz.

(Pic: Instagram)

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