Patti Malette, the woman who so generously donated Justin Bieber’s punk ass to the world did a Twitter Q&A Sunday last night according to EOnline. I was hoping somebody would troll her ass hard when someone asked what she would say if she could go back and give advice to her teenaged self but nobody stepped up to the plate to say “quadruple my birth control”. THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
Patti said she is very proud of Justin and that his first word was “money” (can you go to hell for thinking a baby is a douchebag because I’ll see your asses there if the answer is yes) and that she doesn’t like his tattoos or the “I made doody” face littering his Instagram (she didn’t really say that but we’re all thinking it), among other things.
When one Twitter user asked Mallette if she’s excited at the prospect of having grandchildren, she replied, “Ahhh omg could u imagine me a Grandma already!? Hopefully that’s a long way in the future!“
From your mouth to God’s ears. I still can’t wrap my head around Justin wetting his dick whistle and when I really want to hate myself, I picture his encounter with the Brazilian hooker and imagine it was all confusion and rearranging of limbs and a lot of apologies, kind of like when I go to step over my dog and she stands up when I only have one leg over.
Mallette added that it was “very hard” raising Bieber as a single mom in Canada. “But I reached out for help, prayed a lot, read parenting books & did my very best to be the best mom I could be.“
Well, Patti, I hate to break it to you, but you either needed to go-go-Gadget the fuck out of your arms, pray harder or read more parenting books because your son is a prick. News.com from Australia says Justin reported called a fan a “beached whale” at Perth’s Hyatt Regency hotel and said she should go on the Biggest Loser. Patti needs to come get her son (if she hasn’t already called slick bitch no takesie backsies) and give retroactive parenting a shot. It’s never too late to get a second chance to fix the fuck up you raised. I’ll even donate the wooden spoon for the secondary ass whooping if Michael K.’s abuelita supplies the chancla!