In the battle between Vanity Fair and Goopy Paltrow, Goopy Paltrow has won. That’s what Radar says anyway. The whitest and most pretentious war started when Vanity Fair wanted to do a cover story on Goopy and she shat on that offer, partly because she was on a 344-day diamond water and kumquat seed cleanse at the time, but mostly because she thinks the magazine is “off brand” for her. When VF made it clear they were going to do the story with or without her cooperation, she took out her 60 carat green diamond drop earrings (aka her daytime earrings), smeared rare Argan oil on her face, stuck Wusthof razors in her hair and declared war. Bitch was ready to fight.
Goopy supposedly told all of her friends to not talk to VF about her, and if they really wanted to be a VIP member of TEAM GOOP, they’d erase VF from their lives altogether. George Clooney sat in the bleachers on Goopy’s side of the auditorium and Julia Roberts sat on Vanity Fair’s side. LINES WERE DRAWN! Vanity Fair turned it up and started sniffing Goopy’s crotch for the scent of billionaire dick. The piece was supposed to be a glorious takedown and it was supposed to make Christmas extra special this year. Well, Vanity Fair has turned out to be that deadbeat dad who promises a trunkful of Christmas presents, but on Christmas morning shows up with zero presents, because he spent his entire paycheck on booze and pussy. A source tells Radar that VF’s Goop piece is going to be the opposite of scandalous.
“Whatever they wind up publishing, it’s going to be soft. Gwyneth’s campaign against the Vanity Fair article has apparently worked and she’s not as worried as she was three weeks ago. But the article is still coming out and she still refuses to participate in it.”
That’s our cue to start singing, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” in unison.
The sad truth is I don’t think VF’s piece was ever going to be “hard.” Reading their piece is going to be like trying to suck a load out of a soft peen. You’re just going to keep reading and reading and reading hoping that something juicy will land on your eyes, but it won’t. You know it, I know it, the soft peen knows it. I mean, it sounds like the most scandalous thing they had on her was that she might’ve passed her poon to some billionaire once. Who cares.
I bet that in the parlor of her London townhouse, Goopy and Graydon Carter are sipping sparkling dolphin tears after toasting to their STUNT QUEEN victory. Vanity Fair got some publicity and Goopy looks like she has the power to scare whores. We’re the ones who really lost. I feel so used and I usually love that feeling.