Lindsay Lohan Ordered A Beat Down On Parasite Hilton’s Little Brother

File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.

TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.

Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.

Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.