Dear Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence and all the other actresses who think they have a shot at the Best Actress Oscar in 2015, use your campaign money to buy a cup of the sweet nectar to drown your sorrows in, because the category is closed and no submissions will be accepted. The 2014 Oscars haven’t even happened yet, but the Academy is already engraving Spaz de la Huerta’s name on a 2015 Best Actress trophy after seeing her riveting, game-changing and ALIVE performance in the trailer for Nurse 3D. Not since Lumiere in Beauty in the Beast has a melting candle delivered such powerful emotion onscreen. I don’t know if Nurse 3D is actually in 3D or if they’re referring to Spaz’s multi-dimensional performance which jumps out of the screen, holds you down and leaves Vaseline skid marks all over your face.
Nurse 3D is like Single White Female meets Fatal Attraction meets Basic Instinct meets Sophie’s Choice (I’m referring to Spaz’s luminous and emotion-stirring performance which critics will compare to Meryl’s). In Nurse 3D, Spaz plays a greasy wax mannequin who comes to life (I made that part up, I think), becomes a nurse and stalks her bland blonde co-worker played by Katrina Bowden. Somewhere in there, Nurse Spaz also seduces cheating men and murders them. It also stars Kathleen Turner, Judd Nelson and that kid from High School Musical and Dancing with the No Stars. I don’t think I’m being at all crazy or ridiculous when I say that this is going to be the greatest movie that ever happened!
Here’s the future Oscar winner looking like the bloated, oily calla lily she is while leaving a store with her man in L.A. the other night. Her man is totally a poet by day and a 1970s serial killer by night.