I have a theory: If you took Lindsay Lohan and put her in the machine from David Cronenberg’s The Fly for 25 years with 12 Denny’s Lumberjack Slams, a carton of Marlboro Reds, a handful of quaaludes, and a laserdisc copy of Battlefield Earth, you’d get Kirstie Alley. Think about it.
Kirstie Alley (aka Future Lindsay Lohan) was on Howard Stern’s radio show yesterday to promote her new television show Kirstie (the logo of which looks like it was created in an alternate-reality where Britney Spears is a graphic designer) and, like it does every time you talk to a Scientologist, the conversation ran a red light and sped onto the L. Ron Memorial Freeway. Howard was only throwing softball questions at Kirstie, so he didn’t ask her about Shelly Miscavige (ie. Where she at, boo?) but he did bring up ex-Scientolo’ho and Kirstie’s former BFFTXDUP (best friends forever till Xenu do us part) Leah Remini:
Howard Stern: “No one cares that she’s left Scientology. Are you upset with her that she’s being so fucking vocal and critical about it? Or you don’t care?”
Rebecca from Cheers: “First of all, I just want everyone to know that I have hundreds of friends who have come into Scientology and left Scientology. You’re not shunned, you’re not chased. All that stuff’s bullishit. However, when you are generalizing and when your goal is to malign and to say things about an entire group, when you decide to blanket statement that Scientology is evil, you are my enemy.”
She also said that she stopped following Leah on Twitter. Oooh, did you hear that? Alert the authorities, SHOTS FIRED!
The interview is way too long (you could watch 3 episodes of Unwrapped instead. And you should; there is so much to learn about Tootsie Pop Drops) so here is the TL:DR version:
- Kirstie first got interested in Scientology after she saw Porsches outside the Scientology building (always a good reason to join a
scary cultrespected religion)
- She read Dianetics while snorting a Kirstie Alley-sized mountain of coke
- There is a comparison made between anti-Semitism and anti-Scientology. Kanye… is that you??
- Kirstie fell in love with John Travolta on the set of Look Who’s Talking and they used to – wait for it – “sit around, doing skits” together. I’m imagining every skit involved putting on black bouffant wigs and re-creating the end scene from Mermaids (John: “I call Cher!!!“)
She also answers questions about being fat, plastic surgery, pills, girl-on-girl and masturbation (NO HOWARD, NEVER) all the while sounding like she’s finishing her 4th Flying Gorilla at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh Kirstie, never fucking change.
Here’s more of Kirstie in New York invested in enough Spanx to keep them high on the NASDAQ till the world ends: