Some say that the Christmas season doesn’t officially start until someone gets stabbed while fighting over a $100 DVD at Walmart on Thanksgiving night. But I’ve always felt that the Christmas season doesn’t really begin until three pairs of Spanx on Mimi’s body are screaming for mercy as she yodels out high notes during some tree lighting somewhere. The festivities (read: getting drunk on peppermint schnapps and switching your regular lube to egg nog-scented) leading up to Baby Jesus’ born day can really begin now that Mimi has sung out “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (what fucking else?) while wrapped in a bedazzled Spandex cocoon at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting.
Those singing children are braver than me, because there’s no way I’d stand that close to Mimi. There’s a 99% chance those pairs of Spanx and that three-sizes-too-small dress will let go and let God, and rip apart sending rhinestones and pieces of Spandex flying everywhere. One of those flying rhinestones could blind a kid. But thankfully that didn’t happen and if it did, I’m sure they’ll edit it out of the final broadcast so it won’t ruin your holiday. Happy Mimimas!