Behold, The New Wonder Woman

December 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Based on that picture, you’re probably asking yourself, “The mash-up of Catherine Zeta-Jones circa 1997 and Keira Knightley is the new Wonder Woman?” And you’re also probably telling yourself, “The new Wonder Woman is really graceful at pissing.”

Warner Bros. and director Zack Snyder announced today that a gal named GAL will play Wonder Woman in the Batman V. Superman movie. 28-year-old Gal Gadot is an Israeli actress/model type who was Miss Israel 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. The Hollywood Reporter says that Gal beat out Olga Kurylenko and Elodie Young. Zack Snyder said this shit about the new Wonder Woman:

“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”

Batman V. Superman (aka the Justice League movie that’s pretending it’s not a Justice League movie) will also star Henry Cavill as  Superman, Ben Affleck as Batman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Diane Lane and Laurence Fishburne.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that Lynda Carter, Cathy Lee Crosby, Chyna, the ghost of Tandi Iman Dupree, this hot bitch, Chicken Cutlets and Bruce Jenner (he does have the chichis for it) all repeatedly turned down the role of Wonder Woman, because they know that movie is going to be a disastrous wreck and they don’t want to spend their work days getting their tits eye fondled by Ben Affleck.

And somebody get this Gal Gadot chick a copy of Joe ManJello’s fitness book and feed her an entire Wonder Bread factory, because homegirl needs to put some muscles on her bones if she’s going to play the Amazonian goddess warrior. But maybe they’re going for a greener Wonder Woman. Gal Gadot doesn’t need to travel in some gas-guzzling invisible plane, because the wind can carry her anywhere she needs to go since she probably weighs about as much as a cloud queef. She’s reducing Wonder Woman’s carbon footprint!

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