Giving us some Stephen King meets Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena…
I know the story goes that hot piece Joe ManJello was created when Sylvester Stallone fed one of his bulging arm veins a steady supply of steroids, Chia pet seeds, Muscle Milk and wolf jizz. But Joe ManJello was once a scrawny boy in hipster glasses who weighed about as much as a Victoria’s Secret model. (“Did you just fucking call me fat, you dumb whore?” – every VS model) In Joe ManJello’s new fitness book, he shares the above picture of him as a skinny junior high school basketball player and then writes about how he went from that to this:
The easiest way to go from Stand By Me extra to humanized Tom of Finland action figure is to swallow an inflatable muscle suit, but Joe ManJello did it the other way. Joe worked out, ate a lot of protein, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out and worked out before working out. I’m sure somewhere in between working out and working out, Joe opens his mouth wide, sticks his ass out and as one assistant injects HGH into his nalgas another assistant sprays ten gallons of supplements into his eating hole. Joe says that anybody can get ripped like him if you put your mind to it.
“Most people think they’re working out really hard, but when I see them at the gym, they’re lazy! They’re on the phone, they’re mindlessly pedaling, and so they’re just getting middle-of-the-road results. This book is designed to take away people’s excuses. I was not blessed with the genes to put on muscle weight. I’ve never touched a steroid. I had to bust my ass.”
That last line. Too easy. I’m not going to touch it. And I’m not going to touch the “I’m not going to touch it” line I just typed. But really, instead busting my ass, I’d rather bust other things while watching Joe ManJello bust his ass. Besides, somebody has to sit on the couch and inhale an entire bag of gingerbread cream cookies and I like being that somebody.
And on the cover of his book, Joe ManJello’s body looks like a greasy paper bag overstuffed with hot peanuts. I’d hit it and I wouldn’t even mention his schnoz job while doing so.