In an essay in New York Magazine, Joe Jonas spills about his life as a Disney child whore and admits to turning in his V-card when he was 20 and toking on the good shit with Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato. For years, Mickey Mouse raised his pimp hand at Joe Jonas and wouldn’t let that child grow a beard (too easy) or let Nick Jonas do kissing scenes on their Disney show, so now he’s really trying to shed whatever’s left of his wholesome ho image. That hard pimp Mickey Mouse is not going to be happy about this and I’m sure he’s going to call his former ho up and say, “You better learn to sell pussy in Iceland because if I ever see you again I’m going to cut your fuckin’ throat!”
Joe says that when Vanessa Hudgens’ naked pictures leaked in 2007, the Disney execs told him and his brothers that they were happy they never fucked up. Joe, Nick and Kevin were always afraid of screwing up. The purity ring he started wearing when he was 10 didn’t help shit. Joe says that he and his brothers put on the rings when they joined some Jesus freak program called True Love Waits, where you promise to wait to get married before fucking. Because of the rings and Disney, they couldn’t really sing about anything that had to do with sex shit. Joe took off his purity ring a few years ago (and I’m sure he turned it into an anus ring).
“We decided to take the rings off a few years ago. I lost my virginity when I was 20. I did other stuff before then, but I was sexually active at 20. I’m glad I waited for the right person, because you look back and you go, ‘That girl was batshit crazy. I’m glad I didn’t go there.’
has had contracts with has dated Demi Lovato, Ashley Greene, Camilla Belle and Taylor Swift. It’s not hard to guess which one is the “batshit crazy” one in that group. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Taylor. It’s Taylor.)
Joe also claims that the first time his lips touched the good shit, he was 17:
“The first time I smoked weed was with Demi and Miley. I must have been 17 or 18. They kept saying, ‘Try it! Try it!’ so I gave it a shot, and it was all right. I don’t even smoke weed that often anymore. I was caught drinking when I was 16 or 17, and I thought the world was going to collapse. But I was in another country, and it was legal there. My 21st birthday, I fell down a flight of stairs. I was unconscious that time, and my whole team was scared to death that somebody was going to get a picture. Now I appreciate wine or a vodka-soda at the end of the day every once in a while.”
So Joe Jonas lost his virginity at the age of 20, smoked weed with Miley when he was 17 and he drinks wine every now and again. THAT’S IT?! That’s the scandal? I guess the part where he said that his girlfriend injects heroin into his eyeball after pegging with him a Mickey Mouse dildo got cut from the final draft.
And back to that “Disney made me shave my beard” thing. I worked at Disneyland for about two seconds and I had to keep my face clean shaven and got in trouble if I didn’t have a smile on my face. So I sort of know how Joe feels, but the difference is that he got paid millions of dollars and I got minimum wage. So boo hoo on you, bitch!
Here’s Joe looking like a clearance bin Freddie Mercury impersonator while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with his piece Blanda Eggandsausagesorwhatever.