Lindsay Lohan Thinks There’s Character In ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ That Might Be Her

December 1, 2013 / Posted by:

Most of us are either too broke to sue someone (raises hand) or just happy to wrap up any disagreement with a succinct “Go fuck yourself, pal” (raises other hand), and if we’re really pissed about something, we take to Twitter (@TacoBell, you’re next). But Lindsay Lohan isn’t like us. She has to handle her business in the most dramatic way possible; by dragging asses to the 7-11 parking lot of the rich (aka Court).

According to TMZ, Lindsay is excitedly applying her best court makeup (That blush? I object, your honor) because she wants to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for possibly using her identity without permission:

Sources tell us, Lohan’s lawyers are currently crafting a lawsuit — demanding Rockstar Games pay some serious money for using Lindsay’s image in the game.

So the question … did ‘GTAV’ really use Lindsay. Here’s the evidence:

– The video game cover shows a woman holding a cellphone who looks Lindsay-ish. There’s been debate over whether it looks more like Kate Upton or Shelby Welinder.

– Part of the game features a mission where a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi.

– Another part of the game shows another Lindsay-like character at a hotel resembling the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood — a place Lindsay not only frequents but once lived at — and the mission is to photograph her having sex on camera.

The only character in Grand Theft Auto that resembles Lindsay Lohan’s face is a car…after a criminal has smashed in the window with a baseball bat. NO! The truth is there’s no way Rockstar Games could create a Lindsay Lohan character if they tried; video game developers simply don’t have the technology to capture the unique beauty and essence of a Lohan. There isn’t a program that makes a person’s eyes drowsy and glassy (and one half-closed most of the time), and there’s no code to prevent her character from going on a grand theft rampage ad stealing everything in the game that wasn’t nailed down.

Wait, did I just think of a great idea for a new video game? Grand Theft Lohans. Basically you could play as either Ali (easy), Lindsay (hard) Dina (expert level) and you’d have missions like trying to score coke in Provo, UT or navigating a DUI checkpoint. When you successfully complete missions, you unlock bonus characters like Nana Lohan, or a disappointed Tina Fey. Rockstar, I’m available anytime to talk.

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