We might owe Kim Kardashian an apology; it appears she didn’t end up using all the Photoshop for her Us Weekly cover. Staying true to her word, it looks like 10% was donated to the Pretty Little Liars marketing team to create this promo picture. New Truth. New Enemy. New Year. New Noses and Jawlines.
This is the kind of cut-and-paste job that most of us could laugh and then ignore, but not Ashley Benson. Ashley, who plays (it doesn’t matter) on Pretty Little Liars took to her Instagram to shake her head in disgust at the poor design intern who created this mess by posting the picture with the following caption:
Saw this floating around….hope it’s not the poster. Our faces in this were from 4 years ago…..and we all look ridiculous. Way too much photo shop. We all have flaws. No one looks like this. It’s not attractive.
Flaws? HAHAHAHAHA oh my god. Get back to me when you sit down for an appointment with a new dentist and the first question they ask is: “Did you recently suffer a mouth injury, or have your teeth always looked like that?”
The cast of Pretty Little Liars are near-perfect Barbie dolls in real life, so there’d really be no reason to edit this photo using the Kardashian filter in Photoshop (it’s a combination of Blur Tool and Tramp Stamp). It’s a bit heavy-handed; there’s basic clean up, and then there’s airbrushing so hard they end up looking like MAC face charts. I’ve seen more realistic faces painted on T-shirts at a Panama City Beach, FL airbrushing booth.
I don’t know if this is an early promo shot for the 5th Season of Pretty Little Liars or just some Instagram shit created by a fan, but it could be either. But either way, we don’t need to worry about the future of the person who made this; they’ve already been offered lifetime contracts by Mariah Carey, Brit Brit, and Madonna.
(Pic via Instagram)
Two days ago, zillionaire, supermodel, mother and ruiner of Tom Brady’s hair situation, Gisele Bundchen, Instagrammed a picture of her baby sucking leche out of her nip while her “glam squad” (Side note: Every time I see some celebwhore say “glam squad” I want to flat iron my eyeballs) worked on her from hair to fingertip. Some snapped their eye rolling muscle while reacting to that picture, because the picture is ridiculous and Gizz is ridiculous. On the set of Shameless yesterday, Emmy Rossum decided to mock the picture with help from Shameless’ make-up and hair people and a baby doll with a fro. Emmy added this little note for Gizz:
Hey @giseleofficial, I feel ya girl. #kidding #fakebaby #soymilk #shameless
What a cold bitch that Emmy Rossum is! How dare she make fun of the plight of a working mother! Gisele flew 15 hours and slept for only 3 hours and she still showed up to work and fed her child at the same time! Yes, Gisele flew on a private jet, forgot to put a “1” before that “3,” considers working as sitting in a chair doing nothing and has to breastfeed anyway since it’s a worldwide law, but still.
If “Giseling” must become a new meme, then can John Travolta please Instagram a picture of him breastfeeding his boy toy while getting his b-hole waxed and his hair painted on?
The “Fake” Sign Language Interpreter Claims He’s Schizophrenic And Was Hallucinating During Mandela Memorial
Thamsanqa Jantjie, yesterday’s HSOTD and the sign language interpreter who was accused of fake signing his way through Nelson Mandela’s memorial, is trying to clear his reputation and claims that while he was interpreting he had severe hallucinations. He says that he saw angels flying through the stadium. Does anybody know if the First Lady of Cameroooooon Chantal Biya was at the memorial? Because if she was and happened to queef during it, those angels flying through the stadium weren’t a hallucination.
CNN says that there’s a history of Jantjie signing complete gibberish during national events. But Jantjie tells CNN that he is a skilled sign language interpreter and he apologizes to any deaf association and deaf person who couldn’t understand him. Jantjie has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and was due for a six-month check-up with his doctor on the day of Nelson Mandela’s memorial. The company that hired Jantjie knew that he’s schizophrenic, but they didn’t know he had a check-up scheduled for that day. South Africa’s deputy minister of women, children and people with disabilities said during a press conference that they tried to find the owners of the company that contracted Jantjie, but they are nowhere to be found. Bitches packed up, cleared out of their office and didn’t leave a forwarding address.
Jantjie says that he knew the day was going to be fucked-up when he walked into the stadium and saw angels flying in the sky. He told AP (via The Telegraph) that he got nervous, because sometimes he has schizophrenic episodes that cause him to be violent and there were armed guards all around him.
“What happened that day, I see angels come to the stadium … I start realising that the problem is here. And the problem, I don’t know the attack of this problem, how will it come. Sometimes I get violent on that place. Sometimes I will see things chasing me. And remember those people, the president and everyone, they were armed, there was armed police around me. If I start panicking I’ll start being a problem. I have to deal with this in a manner so that I mustn’t embarrass my country.”
Jantjie once again apologized to anyone who was offended and plans to keep on signing:
“I would like to tell everybody that if I’ve offended anyone, please, forgive me. But what I was doing, I was doing what I believe is my calling, I was doing what I believe makes a difference.”
It’s obvious what’s really going on here. Obama, PM Helle from Denmark and PM David from the UK set this dude up to take the heat off of SelfieGate. Thanks, Obama, AGAIN!
Just Jared got the first EXCLUSIVO pictures of 39-year-old screenwriting chickenhawk Dustin Lance Black and his 19-year-old diving pedacito Tom Daley hanging out together as a couple. Twinkie Tom is currently training for the 2016 Olympics in Houston, Texas and DLB was with him as he left the University of Houston diving center yesterday. These pictures are about as natural and candid as Kim Kardashian’s entire life. I’m not being sarcastic (yes, that’s possible, I think) when I say that I am so happy that a gay couple has starred in a totally staged photo-op that required rehearsals, a stage manager, a team of stylists, a body language coach, craft services, stage tape for marking, a few teamsters, stand-ins, a lighting crew, a couple of drones and a cinematographer. I think Tom Daley got his SAG card from this photo shoot. This photo shoot had a bigger budget than DLB’s last movie.
A gay couple is finally showing LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian and Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt how a choreographed photo-op is really done. Tom and DLB kept it simple, coordinated their ensembles and gave us a Photoshop-able picture of DLB sucking on Tom’s straw. We really have come so far!
With all that being said, this photo shoot only gets a B+ from me. I cannot give it an A because of two words: iPhone prints. Those iPhone prints look like brick-shaped leg tumors. Peen prints in a photo-op are always okay, but iPhone prints in a photo-op are NEVER okay
Following Sir Ian McKellan’s response to Damian’s interview with The Guardian in which he said he looked into his career’s crystal ball when he was in his 20′s and worried about only seeing himself playing Gandalf the Gay, Damian issued an apology (via the NYDN).
“I am hugely embarrassed that comments of mine have been linked in a negative way to Sir Ian McKellen,” Lewis said, in a statement obtained by the Daily News.
In his statement, Lewis said that he has “always been, and continue to be, an enormous fan and admirer” of McKellen.
“My comment in The Guardian was a sound bite I’ve been giving since 1999 — it was a generic analogy that was never intended to demean or describe anyone else’s career,” he said. “I have contacted Sir Ian McKellen and have given him my sincerest apologies.”
Come on, Damian. “Fruity wizard” sounds a little personal and also kind of like a glorious breakfast cereal waiting to happen, as long as they don’t fuck up and make the wizard staffs and hats look like dicks and used condoms. You get a 3 out of 10 on the backpedal scale and Sir Ian wins this round of Wizard vs. Lemme Look You Up On IMDB Real Quick.
Damian should take some time for personal reflection and to brush up on his acting skills to ensure the longevity of a career he would be lucky to have last as long and be as distinguished as Sir Ian’s. I hear Claire Danes is holding a seminar on how to make a career out of ugly crying in her trailer between Homeland scenes.
Sharon Osbourne was on Graham Norton’s show at the end of November and told everybody (who didn’t ask or want to know) that the most excruciating plastic surgery procedure she ever had was vaginal rejuvenation. In a in a new interview with Howard Stern (via USWeekly), Sharon says she lied about having the procedure done as a joke while Howard called her ass out for backpedaling out of embarrassment.
On Wednesday morning, Osbourne described the hoax to Stern as a “flippant, stupid thing to be silly.” In return, the skeptical radio host pressed the British star for more information: “I feel like you did [get the surgery] and now you’re embarrassed to say it,” he said.
“I made it up,” retorted Ozzy Osbourne‘s wife of 31 years. “You’re saying you fabricated the whole thing?” an incredulous Stern demanded.
“I swear on my children’s lives I made it up — just to be flippant,” admitted the mother of Kelly and Jack. “How could I do that after I’ve had so much like, ill health?” she continued. “Now I’m going to start putting scaffolding up my vagina?” she quipped.
On one hand, I hope she did have the surgery, just as a safety net for all the other shit she’s done to herself. She’s had so many other things nipped, tucked, stuffed and plucked that if didn’t have her stage door closed, all her internal organs would eventually become unstable and fall like a Jenga tower straight out of her bagina and right on the damn floor. But on the other hand, if she left well enough alone, there would be a better chance Ozzy could stuff his peen in there and not have it look like he’s trying to shove a marshmallow in a piggy bank.
Here are some pics of Sharon and her maybe unratcheted crotchal situation in New York. Ugh, spending ANY time thinking about Sharon’s vagina situation, tightened or not, is making me queasy. It’s also undoing all the joy that spending a lot of time looking at food porn pics in the lasagna tag on Tumblr earlier this morning brought me. Thanks a fucking lot, Sharon.
Olivia Wilde, Aziz Ansari and Zoe Saldana announced the Golden Globe nominations at the hour of the ungodly this morning and when the category of Best Supporting Actress In A Motion Picture (aka OPRAH’S CATEGORY!) came up, they looked at Jennifer Lawrence and said, “You get a nomination,” they looked at Lupita Nyong’o and said, “And you get a nomination,” they looked at Oprah…and they kept moving. No nomination for Oprah! This is an unholy act against God. The Illuminati must be behind this…
Just like it’s a given that I’ll probably start my morning by silently weeping while sit down peeing, it was a given that The Mighty O would get a Best Supporting Actress nomination for The Butler and some hos thought that there was a kind of sort of chance that she’d beat Jennifer Lawrence and Lupita Nyong’o. But now that’s not going to happen. The organizers of that dark-sided event better buy more cases of champagne, because Oprah will not be there to turn all the goblets of tap water into flutes of Cristal. But I bet Gayle King’s loins are quivering something extra today, because she loves it when her boo gets the rage.
As for the other nominations, Fruitvale Station got shit, American Hustle is considered a comedy (which sort of makes sense since this is a work of comedic genius) and Angela Bassett was ROBBED! The GG voters obviously didn’t see Angela Bassett’s “fat ass cracker bitch” rant on AHS: Coven or she would’ve been the only name in that category. But Hayden Panatroll got nominated for Nashville (cut to me clapping and cheering all by myself since I might be the only ho that proudly watches that shit), Tatiana Maslany got nominated and more importantly, the Golden Globes recognized this thing of pure, natural, potent beauty:
“Mayor Ford, did you have your aide perform oral sex on you in the middle of a City Council meeting?”
“Yes, but I was drunk at the time and, besides, he doesn’t get enough to eat at home.” - I am Legend
Blond lady in the back:
“Run for Parliament, they said. Will be fun, they said” – Gina Latina
In the porn version of A Christmas Story, Ralphie was the one poking the eye out. – magusxxx
That reminds me………..I need to buy shrimp for the party – annobanano