I know I shouldn’t be using keystrokes to write about KFed in the year 2013, but since I’m nostalgic and gross, I am really into the comings and going of his super sperm. Mostly coming… Actually, all comings. While KFed hasn’t worked a job for real since before Obama was in office, his unstoppable jizz fish are working overtime. KFed has knocked up his wife Victoria Prince for a second time. KFed’s sperm: It won’t stop, it can’t stop and in a few years the gene pool will be 50% Duggar, 49% KFed and 1% everything else.
TMZ has a vomit-inducing picture of Victoria wearing a shirt that reads “Juan Moore Federline” and a video of them saying that the sixth Federline is growing in her womb.
KFed has 2 kids with Shar Jackson, 2 kids with Brit Brit and he’ll soon have 2 kids with Victoria. 6 kids with 3 different chicks. What would the “Kate Winslet is a morality-killing whore harlot for having 3 kids with 3 husbands” bitches say?
I’m actually surprised that this is only Victoria and KFed’s second kid together. I mean, what do they do all day? I’m guessing they feed their kids, bareback fuck, play with their kids, bareback fuck, watch 5 hours of the History Channel, bareback fuck, go to the check cashing place to cash their latest check from Brit Brit and bareback fuck some more. I’m surprised that every time Victoria pulls her tampon out, another baby doesn’t come out with it. So good for them for only having 2! And I’m sure TLC will give them their own show called How To Stretch Your Child Support Checks From Britney Spears To Feed Another Ten Dozen Kids.
And I made the mistake of staring at his crotch in that picture to find a peen print. Don’t do that, because I can already feeling kicking.
Way back in October, Damian Lewis (the ginger from Homeland) gave an interview with The Guardian wherein he got his palm tree on and threw some shade at Ian McKellen by saying he used to worry his career would go the way of Gandalf. In case you don’t remember, it went a little something like this:
“The idea that I would be one of these slightly over-the-top, fruity actors who would have an illustrious career on stage, but wouldn’t start getting any kind of film work until I was 50 and then start playing wizards.”
According to The Guardian, Ian McKellen finally got around to responding to Damian’s comments in a recent interview, and guess what? Magneto is too busy being a hot old piece and having fun hang-outs with Patrick Stewart to give two hobbits about what the ginger from Homeland thinks of his career:
McKellen was forthright in his response but, like Lewis, declined to name names. “I wouldn’t like to have been one of those actors who hit stardom quite early on and expected it to continue and was stuck doing scripts that I didn’t particularly like just to keep the income up,” he told the Radio Times.
“I’ve always wanted to get better as an actor. And I have got better. You’ve only got to see my early work to see that.”
McKellen, who described Lewis’s remarks as “fair comment”, said: “No one needs to feel sorry for me or Michael Gambon [who played Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies] or anyone else who has fallen victim to success.”
You need a bag of frozen peas for that burn?
I love how Sir Ian took 2 months to basically say “Take a seat, young one”. Isn’t it great when some new-to-it actor wins an award, then acts like they wrote the book on ACTING? We’ll see what Damian has to say in 15 years when he’s begging his agent to get him an audition for The Hobbit, Part 9 (“Hahahaha…No” – Ian McKellen, 2028). And while Ian’s reply was an advance-study in catty, but it would have been perfection if he’d put on the glasses and read a bitch instead.
Mimi invited Today into her rainbow unicorn cave in the sky and showed everyone what it looks like when you’re obsessed with Christmas, are every kind of crazy and have money falling out of your ass – Lainey Gossip
Dear children getting bullied in school, get over it and stop crying, because the piss stain on humanity Justin Bieber has it worse! – Celebitchy
Lady CaCa has never looked hotter and I’m only saying that because her leg looks like a gigantic butt plug – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Well, there goes my dream of butt fucking through Mumbai – Towleroad
Is delusion a main ingredient in self tanner? Because Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga are fighting over which one of them Jennifer Lawrence based her American Hustle character on – Reality Tea
Oh, I’m sure MySpace will take Tila Tequila back – The Superficial
Kellie Pickler looks like a 40-something Reno, NV trophy wife who is a fixture on the swingers scene and buys all her dresses from the wedding gown maker on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding – Hollywood Tuna
Emmy Rossum goes shirtless for Esquire – IDLYITW
The crazy who thinks that Nigella Lawson needs image rehab probably got into her stash and snorted too much of her shit – Jezebel
Emily Blunt’s fetus dome is growing as fetus domes usually do – Popoholic
Kim Kardashian looking like an overfull colostomy bag – ICYDK
But the bigger question is, how many Terminator movies do we as a people really need? – Pajiba
Who wants to tongue under the Mileytoe? – Popsugar
Erykah Badu is the new face of Givenchy – OMG Blog
Panty Creamer of the Day: Tatted Edition – The Berry
Former Mr. Kelly Taylor and Almost Wonder Woman sun their parts in Mexico – Popsugar
Lindsay Lohan sends her adopted mother Oprah a stream of sowwies for being a mess – Popsugar
Cameron Diaz SANS FARDS – SOW
On a sad, mournful morning recently, Baby Brahim threw all of the fancy trinkets and toys that Madge bought him onto a Radio Flyer wagon and rolled it down the street away from her multi-million dollar townhouse as his nannies squirted out a single tear of sadness. After 3 years of giggling every time Baby Brahim pooped out a turd during night time bath times and bonding during bottle feeding, Madge has broken up with him. It’s always a sad day when the expiration date on a boy toy’s ass cheek comes up.
The Daily Mail says that they broke up, because 55-year-old Madge is busy being Madge in NYC and 25-year-old Brahim is doing the French version of Dancing with the Stars in France. Madge’s spokeswhore confirms to Gossip Cop that they’re done, but wouldn’t say why. We can all assume Madge dumped his ass, because after 3 years of talking about nothing but herself in between fucking and asking him, “What’s your name again?“, bitch got bored.
And there’s no need for parents to Madge-proof their 20-something sons by handcuffing them to the bed before covering them with freshly bloomed hydrangeas. Because there’s a rumor that Madge is making the Illuminati overlords cream by bumping wrinkled crotches with Sean Penn again. The second coming of Sean Penn and Madge might be upon us! The only way to stop this is to get her another boy toy. Somebody needs to sacrifice their son to stop this!
Last night’s American Country Awards broadcast on FOX was a special one, because in between giving out all the awards to Blake Shelton, they snuck in a medley of Patsy Cline songs to honour the 50th anniversary of the country legend’s death. Since LeAnn Rimes got famous by singing Patsy as a kid, it was only natural that she was chosen to bring her squinting insanity dragon act to the stage and belt out “Blue”. Although really, did they even have a choice? The producers knew that if they didn’t ask LeAnn, she’d go on an epic Twitter rampage and drunkenly crash the show by rushing the stage and setting up that blue foldable soccer chair in a bikini, refusing to leave until someone gave her the mic and let her sing a few bars from “Spitfire“. That’s what’s called a real Sophie’s Choice.
LeAnn put her Lifetime acting skills to work near the end of the medley by forcing tears out of her eyes and…it worked? I mean, I believed them. Maybe the tears were for Patsy, or maybe the tears were because “Borrowed” wasn’t nominated for Best Diss Track. Either way, they were real tears. But she lost me at the end when she did that stupid namaste prayer-hands bullshit to the audience. What are you, my spiritual cousin talking about how fulfilling her job at a hot yoga studio is?
Here’s more of LeAnn after her performance (including a close-up of her ring. That shit looks like one of the prizes from the fancy Christmas crackers my Gramma gets at Costco) and LeAnn and Eddie “Cheater Vibes” Cibrian on the red carpet before the show. Now, I’m no body language expert, but the distance between Eddie and LeAnne is what the teachers at my 8th grade dance would refer to as “bible-width apart”. Oooh, trouble in Fantastica, Falkor?
(Pics via Splash)
In L.A. last night, the second largest gathering of Internet-famous pussy (the first being, the Brazzers holiday party) happened when Grumpy Cat, Colonel Meow, Oskar the Blind Cat, Nala Cat and Hamilton the Hipster Cat got together for charity. I hear that Lil Bub was supposed to appear but contract negotiations broke down, when the organizers refused to give her top billing, her own personal litter box and a wardrobe stipend.
All of these pussies look like they’d rather be tongue boning a Cockapoo than posing for a bunch of photographers, but they did it for charity and they mostly did it because they had no choice. When your human picks you up and drags you somewhere, you can either try to scratch their eyeballs out or you can roll your eyes while farting on their arm. They all went with the latter because the former takes way too much energy.
All these famous pussies went to the launch party, hosted by Angela Kinsey, for the Christmas video they star in for Friskies. Friskies put out a video called “Hard to Be a Cat at Christmas” and they promise they will donate 1 can of Friskies to a shelter and rescue organization for every view. But they’re only counting up to 500,000 views. Cheap fucks.
It is hard out there for a pussy during Christmas times. But you know who’s got it harder at Christmas? Human bitches who have to put their tree back together after a crazed pussy knocks it down.
And this video is incomplete without Spaghetti Cat (Never EVER 4get).
Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Gary Busey’s teeth
Papa Joe Simpson
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter
Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly baby who eats food.
Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!
That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.
And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!
(Pic via Getty)
Earlier this month, Billy Ray Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Tish Cyrus and Trace Cyrus went down into the “Miley 4 TIME’s Person of the Year” control center in the basement and used their fingers, toes, tongues, peen tips and hooves to vote for their hillbilly golden child over and over again. They tried it, but it’s the Catholic abuelitas who are doing the victory twerk today. Club bouncer turned super priest Pope Francis was chosen by editors as Miss TIME 2013. Pope Franny beat out Edward Snowden (second place), Edith Windsor (third place), Bashar Assad (fourth place), Ted Cruz (fifth place) and my personal choice La Vampy (first place in my heart). TIME called Pope Franny the “People’s Pope” and explained their choice like this:
But what makes this Pope so important is the speed with which he has captured the imaginations of millions who had given up on hoping for the church at all. People weary of the endless parsing of sexual ethics, the buck-passing infighting over lines of authority when all the while (to borrow from Milton), “the hungry Sheep look up, and are not fed.” In a matter of months, Francis has elevated the healing mission of the church—the church as servant and comforter of hurting people in an often harsh world—above the doctrinal police work so important to his recent predecessors. John Paul II and Benedict XVI were professors of theology. Francis is a former janitor, nightclub bouncer, chemical technician and literature teacher.
And behind his self-effacing facade, he is a very canny operator. He makes masterly use of 21st century tools to perform his 1st century office. He is photographed washing the feet of female convicts, posing for selfies with young visitors to the Vatican, embracing a man with a deformed face. He is quoted saying of women who consider abortion because of poverty or rape, “Who can remain unmoved before such painful situations?” Of gay people: “If a homosexual person is of good will and is in search of God, I am no one to judge.” To divorced and remarried Catholics who are, by rule, forbidden from taking Communion, he says that this crucial rite “is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak.”
Obvious choice is obvious. Whenever I see shit saying that Pope Francis is progressive and changing the face of the Catholic church, Oda Mae Brown takes over my body and I say, “You in danger, Pope.”
And when I saw that cover first thing this morning, I thought it was Alan Alda in a really hot outfit. That makes me ask: Why in the hell hasn’t Alan Alda ever been Person of the Year?!
I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.
Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.
Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.
Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.