“Mayor Ford, did you have your aide perform oral sex on you in the middle of a City Council meeting?”
“Yes, but I was drunk at the time and, besides, he doesn’t get enough to eat at home.” - I am Legend
Blond lady in the back:
“Run for Parliament, they said. Will be fun, they said” – Gina Latina
In the porn version of A Christmas Story, Ralphie was the one poking the eye out. – magusxxx
That reminds me………..I need to buy shrimp for the party – annobanano
Karen Perrin, the senior assistant from DC who Shawshank’d her way out of a bathroom after being trapped in that bitch for 8 hours.
Karen Perrin was finishing up some travel stuff for her boss until 10pm last Friday night and before picking up her purse and getting out of there for the weekend, she went to the ladies restroom. Karen did her thing, washed her hands and when she tried to open the door, she found out it was locked. Karen didn’t know what to do and she quickly panicked, so she went back into the stall, walked back out, washed her hands again and tried to open the door one more time hoping that it was all just some waking dream. But the door was really locked. I don’t know why in ILLEGAL hell that bathroom door locked from the outside, but it did.
Karen told MyFox Philly that she’s claustrophobic, so she panicked from the beginning thinking that she would be trapped in there for the entire weekend and would have to survive on tap water and toilet paper sandwiches. (“Eh, that’s more than I eat.” – every model) She tried to dismantle the lock from the inside and that didn’t work. She tried to kick in the door and she broke the handle, but the door stayed shut. Karen shoved paper towels through the door hoping that security would see it on the camera in the hallway. They didn’t.
Afraid that she’d have to sleep on a paper towel pillow on the floor, she stepped it up and tried to escape out of a hatch in the ceiling, but that plan was a bust. Karen told ABC News that’s when she thought about the Shawshank Redemption. It gave her a new plan. Karen used the door handle and a long rod she found to bust through the dry wall next to the door. After two hours, Karen made a hole big enough to put her arm through and turn the handle. She was freeeeeee! Karen said:
“I was crying. I felt like I was escaping a bad dream, like when you have a nightmare and you wake up and your heart is pounding and you realize, ‘Oh, I was just dreaming. Did that just happen. Am I OK?’”
Karen called her husband and daughter and they came to get her ass. Karen is taking a few days off to recover from this TERRIFYING HORRIFIC ORDEAL!!!! Morgan Freeman saved her! Morgan Freeman really is God!
Yes, this is news. No, not just local news. This is national news. As it should be, because hopefully the makers of 127 Hours will see this heroic story and turn it into a feature film called 8 Hours (starring Octavia Spencer). The world needs to see this harrowing tale of a woman’s will to not spend her entire weekend at her goddamn job.
On a different note, what kind of human doesn’t take her phone to the bathroom with her? How does she entertain herself? This is 2013!
Bob Barker (90)
Mayim Bialik (38)
Bridget Hall (36)
Hank Williams III (41)
Madchen Amick (43)
Regina Hall (43)
Jennifer Connelly (43)
Burke Moses (54)
Sheila E. (56)
Susan Powter (56)
Cathy Rigby (61)
Bill Nighy (64)
Tom Wilkinson (65)
Paula Wagner (67)
Dionne Warwick (73)
Connie Francis (75)
Seen above looking like a cross-eyed, lame horse trying to sneeze and push out a hard turd at the same time, LeAnn Rimes tells Entertainment Tonight that during her tribute to Patsy Cline at the American Country Awards last night, she thought about wet humping to keep the tears coming out. Well, since Brandi Glanville is getting attention for saying that black people can’t swim, LeAnn had to do something to also get a little attention. So it was either pose for the paps in a confederate flag bikini at a KKK rally or say this shit:
“It was intense. … And about halfway through Crazy, you see people start to cry and then you’re like, ‘oh my God.’ My guitar player, he’s always giving me the tricks that work — always think about sex when you start to cry — and I was thinking about sex a lot throughout the whole thing. … By the end of it, it was just such an emotional moment for me.”
That’s funny, because while she was singing “Crazy” and thinking about sex, Eddie Cibrian was thinking about sex too! Yes, he was thinking about having sex with someone other than her, but he was still thinking about sex.
That’s a good trick, though, and it might work for everybody. The next time tears are about to squirt out of your eye holes and you don’t want them to, think about LeAnn Rimes fucking (SPOILER ALERT: That’s her O face above). There’s a 50/50 shot that trick will work. It’ll either make all your orifices and eye sockets dry up real quick or you’ll cry even more.
(Pic via AP)
Broadway will dim their lights for the rest of the week, because Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel announced that their marriage has probably taken its final bow and has exited stage left forfuckingever! And yes, I feel those blind items tapping me on the culito.
“Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs have jointly decided to separate at this time. Their primary focus and concern is for their son. We ask that you respect their privacy during this time.”
So now this weekend when you go to see a double feature of Frozen and The Best Man Holiday, you can scream “WHY? WHY? WHYYYY?” at the screen. This is all your fault, black women! Just kidding.
Not too long ago, I watched a video of Taye and Idina singing a song to a fan while waiting for their flight in an airport lounge and they didn’t look like their marriage was on the verge of crumbling and sliding down a hill, so this is kind of unexpected. But what I really want to know is, why does Taye Diggs always dress like he’s trying out to be a singing gondolier at The Venetian in Las Vegas?
I know I shouldn’t be using keystrokes to write about KFed in the year 2013, but since I’m nostalgic and gross, I am really into the comings and going of his super sperm. Mostly coming… Actually, all comings. While KFed hasn’t worked a job for real since before Obama was in office, his unstoppable jizz fish are working overtime. KFed has knocked up his wife Victoria Prince for a second time. KFed’s sperm: It won’t stop, it can’t stop and in a few years the gene pool will be 50% Duggar, 49% KFed and 1% everything else.
TMZ has a vomit-inducing picture of Victoria wearing a shirt that reads “Juan Moore Federline” and a video of them saying that the sixth Federline is growing in her womb.
KFed has 2 kids with Shar Jackson, 2 kids with Brit Brit and he’ll soon have 2 kids with Victoria. 6 kids with 3 different chicks. What would the “Kate Winslet is a morality-killing whore harlot for having 3 kids with 3 husbands” bitches say?
I’m actually surprised that this is only Victoria and KFed’s second kid together. I mean, what do they do all day? I’m guessing they feed their kids, bareback fuck, play with their kids, bareback fuck, watch 5 hours of the History Channel, bareback fuck, go to the check cashing place to cash their latest check from Brit Brit and bareback fuck some more. I’m surprised that every time Victoria pulls her tampon out, another baby doesn’t come out with it. So good for them for only having 2! And I’m sure TLC will give them their own show called How To Stretch Your Child Support Checks From Britney Spears To Feed Another Ten Dozen Kids.
And I made the mistake of staring at his crotch in that picture to find a peen print. Don’t do that, because I can already feeling kicking.
Way back in October, Damian Lewis (the ginger from Homeland) gave an interview with The Guardian wherein he got his palm tree on and threw some shade at Ian McKellen by saying he used to worry his career would go the way of Gandalf. In case you don’t remember, it went a little something like this:
“The idea that I would be one of these slightly over-the-top, fruity actors who would have an illustrious career on stage, but wouldn’t start getting any kind of film work until I was 50 and then start playing wizards.”
According to The Guardian, Ian McKellen finally got around to responding to Damian’s comments in a recent interview, and guess what? Magneto is too busy being a hot old piece and having fun hang-outs with Patrick Stewart to give two hobbits about what the ginger from Homeland thinks of his career:
McKellen was forthright in his response but, like Lewis, declined to name names. “I wouldn’t like to have been one of those actors who hit stardom quite early on and expected it to continue and was stuck doing scripts that I didn’t particularly like just to keep the income up,” he told the Radio Times.
“I’ve always wanted to get better as an actor. And I have got better. You’ve only got to see my early work to see that.”
McKellen, who described Lewis’s remarks as “fair comment”, said: “No one needs to feel sorry for me or Michael Gambon [who played Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies] or anyone else who has fallen victim to success.”
You need a bag of frozen peas for that burn?
I love how Sir Ian took 2 months to basically say “Take a seat, young one”. Isn’t it great when some new-to-it actor wins an award, then acts like they wrote the book on ACTING? We’ll see what Damian has to say in 15 years when he’s begging his agent to get him an audition for The Hobbit, Part 9 (“Hahahaha…No” – Ian McKellen, 2028). And while Ian’s reply was an advance-study in catty, but it would have been perfection if he’d put on the glasses and read a bitch instead.
Mimi invited Today into her rainbow unicorn cave in the sky and showed everyone what it looks like when you’re obsessed with Christmas, are every kind of crazy and have money falling out of your ass – Lainey Gossip
Dear children getting bullied in school, get over it and stop crying, because the piss stain on humanity Justin Bieber has it worse! – Celebitchy
Lady CaCa has never looked hotter and I’m only saying that because her leg looks like a gigantic butt plug – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Well, there goes my dream of butt fucking through Mumbai – Towleroad
Is delusion a main ingredient in self tanner? Because Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga are fighting over which one of them Jennifer Lawrence based her American Hustle character on – Reality Tea
Oh, I’m sure MySpace will take Tila Tequila back – The Superficial
Kellie Pickler looks like a 40-something Reno, NV trophy wife who is a fixture on the swingers scene and buys all her dresses from the wedding gown maker on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding – Hollywood Tuna
Emmy Rossum goes shirtless for Esquire – IDLYITW
The crazy who thinks that Nigella Lawson needs image rehab probably got into her stash and snorted too much of her shit – Jezebel
Emily Blunt’s fetus dome is growing as fetus domes usually do – Popoholic
Kim Kardashian looking like an overfull colostomy bag – ICYDK
But the bigger question is, how many Terminator movies do we as a people really need? – Pajiba
Who wants to tongue under the Mileytoe? – Popsugar
Erykah Badu is the new face of Givenchy – OMG Blog
Panty Creamer of the Day: Tatted Edition – The Berry
Former Mr. Kelly Taylor and Almost Wonder Woman sun their parts in Mexico – Popsugar
Lindsay Lohan sends her adopted mother Oprah a stream of sowwies for being a mess – Popsugar
Cameron Diaz SANS FARDS – SOW
On a sad, mournful morning recently, Baby Brahim threw all of the fancy trinkets and toys that Madge bought him onto a Radio Flyer wagon and rolled it down the street away from her multi-million dollar townhouse as his nannies squirted out a single tear of sadness. After 3 years of giggling every time Baby Brahim pooped out a turd during night time bath times and bonding during bottle feeding, Madge has broken up with him. It’s always a sad day when the expiration date on a boy toy’s ass cheek comes up.
The Daily Mail says that they broke up, because 55-year-old Madge is busy being Madge in NYC and 25-year-old Brahim is doing the French version of Dancing with the Stars in France. Madge’s spokeswhore confirms to Gossip Cop that they’re done, but wouldn’t say why. We can all assume Madge dumped his ass, because after 3 years of talking about nothing but herself in between fucking and asking him, “What’s your name again?“, bitch got bored.
And there’s no need for parents to Madge-proof their 20-something sons by handcuffing them to the bed before covering them with freshly bloomed hydrangeas. Because there’s a rumor that Madge is making the Illuminati overlords cream by bumping wrinkled crotches with Sean Penn again. The second coming of Sean Penn and Madge might be upon us! The only way to stop this is to get her another boy toy. Somebody needs to sacrifice their son to stop this!
Last night’s American Country Awards broadcast on FOX was a special one, because in between giving out all the awards to Blake Shelton, they snuck in a medley of Patsy Cline songs to honour the 50th anniversary of the country legend’s death. Since LeAnn Rimes got famous by singing Patsy as a kid, it was only natural that she was chosen to bring her squinting insanity dragon act to the stage and belt out “Blue”. Although really, did they even have a choice? The producers knew that if they didn’t ask LeAnn, she’d go on an epic Twitter rampage and drunkenly crash the show by rushing the stage and setting up that blue foldable soccer chair in a bikini, refusing to leave until someone gave her the mic and let her sing a few bars from “Spitfire“. That’s what’s called a real Sophie’s Choice.
LeAnn put her Lifetime acting skills to work near the end of the medley by forcing tears out of her eyes and…it worked? I mean, I believed them. Maybe the tears were for Patsy, or maybe the tears were because “Borrowed” wasn’t nominated for Best Diss Track. Either way, they were real tears. But she lost me at the end when she did that stupid namaste prayer-hands bullshit to the audience. What are you, my spiritual cousin talking about how fulfilling her job at a hot yoga studio is?
Here’s more of LeAnn after her performance (including a close-up of her ring. That shit looks like one of the prizes from the fancy Christmas crackers my Gramma gets at Costco) and LeAnn and Eddie “Cheater Vibes” Cibrian on the red carpet before the show. Now, I’m no body language expert, but the distance between Eddie and LeAnne is what the teachers at my 8th grade dance would refer to as “bible-width apart”. Oooh, trouble in Fantastica, Falkor?
(Pics via Splash)