The camera-stealing, selfie-taking eagle of Western Australia!
The Wildlife and Park rangers in Kimberley, Australia set up a motion-sensor camera at a gorge on the Margaret River last May, because they wanted to get footage of fresh-water crocodiles being fresh-water crocodiles and shit. The camera went missing shortly after they set it up and they figured that Lindsay Lohan just happened to be vacationing in the area. But a few weeks later, the rangers got a call from other rangers who told them their camera was found 110 kilometers from where they set that shit up. When they got the camera back and watched some of the footage they learned that a sticky talons, thieving motherfucker of an eagle snatched up their camera and later used it to take video selfies of itself. That attention whore eagle must’ve deleted all the footage it took of its throbbing cloaca, because the only thing on the camera were flying shots and shots of it pecking the lens. The rangers aren’t pressing charges against that thief and they think it’s kind of amazing. Ranger Roneil Skeen told said this to ABC:
“It was pretty amazing because it’s one of the first camera traps to ever get picked up. They’ve had camera traps moved [by animals] before, but not taken off, like a flying camera you know? It was pretty cool so we were pretty shocked.”
Now if we can only get that thieving, selfie-taking eagle to come to California and steal some of the cameras here. I’d much rather see eagle selfies than see selfies of Miley, LiLo, the Kartrashians, etc… etc… Speaking of Miley, while doing research for this HIGHLY IMPORTANT nature story, I Googled for pictures of eagle cloacas and found (warning: this is probably NSFW if you’re a bird) this picture of an ostrich cloaca. It’s the long-lost twin of Miley’s tongue!
Tyra Banks (40)
Lauren London (29)
Nikki Tyler (41)
Kevin Sussman (43)
Fred Armisen (47)
Marisa Tomei (49)
Chelsea Noble (49)
Cassandra Wilson (58)
Gary Rossington (62)
Patricia Wettig (62)
Jeff Bridges (64)
Gemma Jones (71)
Wink Martindale (79)
PETA better sharpen their shank, because some other charity called Fishlove is copying their game by using naked celebrities to spread their cause or something. Fishlove is trying to raise awareness for overfishing and obviously when you want to raise awareness for overfishing you drape dead creatures of the sea around naked famous hos including Gillian Anderson. I really don’t know what’s going on here, but I do know that eel wants nothing to do with this scene.
Fishlove sounds like the name of some illegal ass, dark-sided fetish that’ll get you banned from every aquarium and will make your friends hide their goldfish when you come over. (Side note: Fishlove also sounds like the name for a group of fans who appreciate Joanna Krupa’s vagine.) This is like Japanese anime porn come to life.
Somebody get Misty Day to bring Jacques Cousteau back to life so that he can slap down all the hos involved in this mess. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, because if he came back to life and saw this, he might get the weirdest boner.
And there’s a look from a girl who’s trying to ignore the voice in her head that’s screaming, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUUUN!”
At the Los Angeles premiere of The Best Man Holiday on November 5th, noted lady beater and human yeast infection Terrence Howard showed up with a girl who looks younger than some of hit nut hairs. Radar says that the girl’s name is Miranda and after dating him for about a month, she became his fourth wife. At first I didn’t really believe this, but she does have a face full of regrets like every Mrs. Howard does. Totally married! A source tells Radar that Terrence, being the chewed-on anus scab that he is, called up his ex-wife Michelle Ghent and bragged out bagging another wife.
“Terrence called up Michelle to tell her about the marriage and taunt her about it. She needs to cut him off for good.”
If you’re a 911 operator in the L.A. area, you better learn the name Miranda Howard, because I have a feeling she’s going to call every time Baby Wipes goes crazy, which will be every other minute. Where are this girl’s friends and family?! Friends and family don’t let you marry Terrence Howard! If I was her friend, I’d sneak into her bedroom, get into her dirty laundry and smear caca all over her panties. Then I’d anonymously call Terrence and tell him that his new wife is a sloppy shitter and barely uses toilet paper let alone baby wipes. It’s for her own good. Terry would immediately get the heaves, throw up his arms, scream like a little girl and run far, far away. A shitty, dirty ass is never a good thing unless you’re married to Terrence Howard, because it’s his Kryptonite.
(Pic via Getty)
Just a day after Tom Daley declared in a video that he happens to be dating a human who’s got a peen, E! News says that the peen he’s humping on belongs to Dustin Lance Black who won an Oscar for writing the screenplay for Milk. Cut to Taylor Lautner throwing a bitchy “enjoy my seconds, twink” look at Tom Daley. And yes, I’ll wait here while you Google those bareback pics of DLB from a million years ago.
E! doesn’t have any other details other than that, but a source tells the The Sun (via NYDN) that Tom and Dustin don’t really care that there’s 20 years between their asses. Tom is 19 and DLB is 39. The source spit this out:
“He’s besotted with Dustin. They love each other and aren’t concerned what anyone says about age difference.”
Last month, Queerty posted pictures of Twinky Tom and DLB getting coffee together in Hollywood.
These two don’t really make sense to me at all, but I’m not going to judge (yes, I think that’s a first). The heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes the heart wants to pound rapidly while getting fucked by a 19-year-old British diver with abs you could break your teefs on. And yes, I just called Tom the top. What a world, what a world!
Oh boy. Normally I would be the first in line to make fun of Vin Diesel (there is so goddamned much to pick from, it’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet. If The Chronicles of Riddick is your starter salad, then The Pacifier is two trips to the waffle bar) but I cannot make fun of Vin Diesel this week. I can’t, because I know there will be a very special management position waiting for me at the Crocs factory in Hell if I do.
Paul Walker passed away on November 30th, and since then we’ve heard from his Fast and the Furious co-stars Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, and finally Vin Diesel let us know how he was holding up. Vin spent most of yesterday publicly mourning Paul Walker’s death, first via a Facebook message, then later appearing at the crash site to make a statement of thanks to the crowd. Vin’s voice is a little muffled in the video because he’s speaking through a police megaphone (why didn’t the cops bring him a karaoke machine to sing into instead? Missed opportunities) but The Huffington Post has transcribed what was said:
“If my brother were here right now and saw all the love that you’re bringing here,” he said. “‘If he could see for himself that all of you have showed up to show my brother love at this hard time, and that his family gets to see all of you show the love that you’ve shown Paul … It’s gonna stay with me forever. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for coming down here and showing that angel up in heaven how much you appreciated him.”
There’s still a lot we don’t know about the cause of Paul Walker’s death; some reports are saying that the Porsche he was riding in malfunctioned, that they were driving too fast, and that the car shouldn’t have been driven. Either way, an autopsy is currently underway to determine the cause of death (I have no formal coroner’s training, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the cause of death was “fire”).
So basically, to sum it all up, everyone involved with the Fast and the Furious franchise is having a shit week and we should send good thoughts and jpegs of sleeping kittens their way.
Here’s Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge showing us what it would look like if an Amish businessman picked up a 70s call girl on hallucinogenics and quickly regretted that decision… - Lainey Gossip
Charlie Sheen is surprised that porn stars are only boning his dehydrated coke dick for the money – The Superficial
Lupita Nyong’o looks like she just fell out of a J.Crew bridal catalog – Celebitchy
Will Ferrell is selling Anchorman 2 like the rent is due and the studio kidnapped his entire family and are holding them in the basement – Towleroad
I’m surprised the piece carrying Kaley Cuoco didn’t break his back from holding up all that desperation – Drunken Stepfather
RiRi’s Wednesday matinee understudy brought some chichis action to the British Fashion Awards – Hollywood Tuna
Teen mom trash Jenelle Evans is actually behaving like a responsible human being. Either this is the work of an impostor or the end of days are upon us – Reality Tea
The Kartrashian Khristmas Kard kost $250k – IDLYITW
Panty Creamers (okay, mostly Panty Creamers) with iPhones and other devices – The Berry
Diane Lane is officially free of Josh Brolin – ICYDK
Taking styling tips from Garth Algar: Olivia Wilde is – Popoholic
Claire Danes is addicted to chairs and other riveting revelations…. – Popsugar
Some movie called Hors Satan is on John Waters’ Top 10 Movies of 2013 list and I didn’t read the description, but I’m guessing it’s a Kardashian documentary? - OMG Blog
And “Jennifer Lawrence is going to win every award again” season has officially begun – HuffPo
If ten hyenas shat on Cheryl Cole’s back, it would look prettier than that hideous tattoo – Moe Jackson
Grumpy Cat should play all the roles, obviously – Videogum
Selena Gomez looks like a morning-shift stripper at a Julius Caesar-themed strip club – Just Jared
Bret Michaels is going to be on Revolution. I really hope he brings DJ Lady Tribe with him – SOW
Lady CaCa tries and fails to work an exquisite pair of bootleg Disney princess jeans from Tijuana – I’m Not Obsessed
Giving us some Stephen King meets Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena…
I know the story goes that hot piece Joe ManJello was created when Sylvester Stallone fed one of his bulging arm veins a steady supply of steroids, Chia pet seeds, Muscle Milk and wolf jizz. But Joe ManJello was once a scrawny boy in hipster glasses who weighed about as much as a Victoria’s Secret model. (“Did you just fucking call me fat, you dumb whore?” – every VS model) In Joe ManJello’s new fitness book, he shares the above picture of him as a skinny junior high school basketball player and then writes about how he went from that to this:
The easiest way to go from Stand By Me extra to humanized Tom of Finland action figure is to swallow an inflatable muscle suit, but Joe ManJello did it the other way. Joe worked out, ate a lot of protein, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out, worked out and worked out before working out. I’m sure somewhere in between working out and working out, Joe opens his mouth wide, sticks his ass out and as one assistant injects HGH into his nalgas another assistant sprays ten gallons of supplements into his eating hole. Joe says that anybody can get ripped like him if you put your mind to it.
“Most people think they’re working out really hard, but when I see them at the gym, they’re lazy! They’re on the phone, they’re mindlessly pedaling, and so they’re just getting middle-of-the-road results. This book is designed to take away people’s excuses. I was not blessed with the genes to put on muscle weight. I’ve never touched a steroid. I had to bust my ass.”
That last line. Too easy. I’m not going to touch it. And I’m not going to touch the “I’m not going to touch it” line I just typed. But really, instead busting my ass, I’d rather bust other things while watching Joe ManJello bust his ass. Besides, somebody has to sit on the couch and inhale an entire bag of gingerbread cream cookies and I like being that somebody.
And on the cover of his book, Joe ManJello’s body looks like a greasy paper bag overstuffed with hot peanuts. I’d hit it and I wouldn’t even mention his schnoz job while doing so.
Last night, the premiere of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (a word I’ve been pronouncing as ‘smoog’) was held in Hollywood and it brought out lots of handsome older-types in suits, including the most handsome and suit-y of them all, Benedict Cumberbatch. It couldn’t possibly have gotten any more swoony at The Hobbit premiere after Benedict (they don’t call his eyes ‘The panty droppers‘ for nothing. Yeah, I know, no one calls them that) but then – BAM – James Maslow walked in and done changed the motherfuckin’ game:
TAKE A LAP, CUMBERBATCH. What I’ve gleaned from his IMDB is that he played “James Diamond” (that is THE HOTTEST name in the game) on a Nickelodeon show called Big Time Rush, he used to have serious Justin Bieber hair, aaaaand that’s about it. James Maslow doesn’t play a character in The Hobbit and he didn’t write or sing a song for The Hobbit, so there is literally no reason for him to be at this premiere, but I DO NOT CARE; as long as he brings that Maybe it’s Maybelline face, he can show up at whatever damn premiere he likes. That stunning hair and perfect nose makes him look like a come-to-life Ken doll. Actually, he looks exactly like a doll I named “Brock Lockheart”; he was the ‘special friend’ my Ken doll would bring to dinner at Barbie’s house (and yes, Brock was a model/marine biologist).
Here’s more of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug premiere. I know a handful of big-time nerds and they would be pissed if I didn’t mention everyone’s name (“ALL THE HOBBITS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS FRODO!!” – said as cosplay tights are being pulled up under an Aragorn costume). So here is Benedict Cumberbatch (he voices a dragon named “Smaug”, which sounds like something a stoner came up with), Martin Freeman (Tim from The Office), Orlando Bloom (still hot, would do), Stephen Fry (same), James Maslow, Sean Astin, Manu Bennet (who looks like if John Stamos had a younger half-brother who was really into UFC) Evangeline Lilly (who’s hair has looked better), Peter Jackson, Luke Evans, and Ed Sheeran (Ed looks sleepy because he probably just came from a PJs n’ Popcorn Party at Tay-tay’s house).
(Pics via Splash)