The perfume that Brit Brit keeps singing about must be made of 98% chloroform, because this video is visual Ambien. That topless piece Brit Brit’s singing on was obviously drugged into a temporary coma and she looks like she’s on the verge of going mimi times, because she just ate a lunch of orange chicken from Panda Express and a Crunchtada from Del Taco. The video’s pretty basic. Our Lady of Cheetos and some hot model type hang around in some empty motel in Barstow and roam the streets looking for a fix or some shit. Then the video switches to shots of Brit Brit singing in a truck all alone while her piece hangs around in that same empty motel with some home wrecking, brown-haired slut.
I stuck two crunchy Cheetos under my eyelids and watched the entire thing. After watching it, I wasn’t sure who the side piece was: that hussy tramp Cindy or Brit Brit? And then I realized that I should probably re-enter preschool, because I’m not clear on the plot points of a fucking Britney Spears video. That’s like needing the Cliff Notes for a Dick and Jane book. When a Brit Brit video is too complex for you to understand, it’s time to excuse yourself to go and eat glue at the round table.
And the director of this video, Joseph Khan, said on Twitter that the video was supposed to be more complex, but Team Brit Brit forced him to tame it:
The DC is a minute longer and there's a very shocking ending. But not what you think. I call it BREAKING BADNEY.
— Joseph Kahn (@JosephKahn) December 10, 2013
Breaking Badney? I’m taking that to mean that Brit Brit and that whore Cindy are rival drugs lords and the dude is a dealer who switches sides. So Brit Brit kills both of them in a motel room, uses one of her stank perfumes to hide the scent of their murder, throws their bodies in the trunk of a car, puts on her pink wig and drives off into the desert with London in the passenger seat. The end.
If you really aren’t looking forward to laying your eyeballs on Ben Affleck in Batman drag in that Superman Vs. Batman movie, then your ass may be in luck, because he probably won’t get that much screen time since Zack Snyder is stuffing a million and one superhos into that shit. The Hollywood Reporter says that Jason Momoa, Lisa Bonet’s piece and the dude who was in Conan, Game of Thrones, North Shore and gay soft-core porn Baywatch Nights, is in talks for a role in the Justice League movie that’s pretending to be a Superman movie.
THR says that Warner Bros and DC Entertainment are trying to keep shit under wraps, so it’s not known who Jason is in talks to play. There’s rumors that Doomsday will be the main villain, so Jason could be up for that crap. A source tells THR that if Warner Bros. is trying to fill that movie with as many Justice League members as possible, Jason could play Martian Manhunter.
So, so far that Superman Vs. Batman movie’s got Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman in it, and it may add Martian Manhunter. Since Zack Snyder is stuffing that slow-moving train wreck with all of the DC Comic characters, can he please answer my gay prayers and make Selena the witch (as played by Faye Dunaway) from Supergirl the main villain?
I see what Zack Snyder’s doing, though. He knows that movie is going to be a shit roll stuffed with farts, so he’s trying to distract us with pretty things. That is a good move, because it’s easy to ignore a giant turd if Martian Manhunter’s peen is dangling in front of it.
On last night’s episode of The Real Plastic Trash of Beverly Hills, they all went to Palm Springs together and sadly the desert sun didn’t melt all the silicone in their bodies and turn them into a giant puddle of fillers, polyester weave tracks, fake eyelashes, lead-based paint and desperation. The desert sun did us all wrong by not melting all of them while it had the chance! While they were all lounging around the pool, the STAR of Siberia and two-time Miss Puerto Rico, Joyce Giraud, refused to get into the pool even after Brandi Glanville kept begging her to. Finally, Joyce admitted that she can’t swim, which made drunk ass Brandi say, “You’re a black person.” That would’ve been the perfect time for the sun to turn up the heat and melt all those hos, but it didn’t….
After Brandi called Joyce a black person for not being able to swim, Kyle’s face went HUH?, Lisa Vanderpump asked a bitch to clarify, Joyce got mad and Kim Richards was oblivious to all of it, because her mind was busy squeezing grapefruits in a grapefruit tree orchard. The skanky humanized Carlo Rossi jug went on to say that none of her black friends can swim and they don’t like to get their weaves wet. Brandi said this while a tragic fall of man-made hair clung to the back of her head. Bitch always has the most busted weave situation. Bitch’s weave looks like it was made from the wet piles of shed Barbie hair found in Brit Brit’s shower drain.
During the episode, Brandi got a whole lot of hate tweets thrown at her melting rubber face, so she called into WWHL to burp out a non-apology and say that it was just a joke! I don’t know how “you’re a black person” is a punchline, but in Brandi’s dilapidated coke sponge of a mind it is. Brandi shit this out to Andy Cohen:
“I know what I said was definitely inappropriate, but I say a lot of inappropriate things. I’m not racist, I’m just inappropriate 90 percent of the time! It definitely was not sensitive and I apologize to anyone I offended. But to be honest with you, my friends and I joke with each other this way and they’re from all different backgrounds. So I’m sorry and I guess TV’s not ready for the real Brandi, but should I censor myself? Is that gonna be exciting?
I think it was definitely inappropriate. I’m the least racist person of all time. I think the more you defend it, the more you look guilty, so I don’t really have to say that much more. I am very sorry with whomever I defended. Defended. Offended!”
I’m kind of surprised Brandi didn’t say, “I am not a racist. I once sucked off a black guy in a bathroom stall at Bootsy Bellows.”
And everyone CALL OFF THE SEARCH! The least racist person of all time has been found! Guinness Book of World Records, get that bitch a plaque. I’m sure that sometime in the future the GOP will tweet: Today we remember Brandi Glanville’s bold stand and her role in ending racism.
Brandi was a boozed up wreck during most of the episode and kept calling Joyce “Jacqueline,” because to her Joyce isn’t a Latina name and Joyce doesn’t look like a Joyce since most Joyces are fat pigs. If you burn your brain cells by watching both RHoBH and RHoA, then Brandi’s rant against the name Joyce probably made you think of the crazed ball of post-menopausal anger that is Mama Joyce from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Bravo should skip the RHoBH and RHoA reunions this season and just put Brandi Glanville and Mama Joyce in a room together. Take off your wedges and take it away, Mama Joyce!
Bravo can even turn it into a pay-per-view special. I better start making room on my maxed out credit card for this.
(GIF via Tumblr)
All the pieces of peanut butter toast I ended up eating every time I wandered away from my laptop shaking my damn head at those Johnny Depp pictures are coming in handy. They’re soaking up the bile that wants to come up after seeing this Liz Taylor-inspired selfie Kim Kardashian posted on her Instagram.
Every damn thing in that picture is a cheap knockoff! The Lee press-on nails. The ring that looks like it’s from the “Bitch, You Ain’t Foolin’ NOBODY With That CZ” Collection from Claire’s. The eyelashes that I’m pretty sure were harvested from the split end trimmings of Bruce’s ponytail. If Macs came with a scratch ‘n sniff screen, there’s no doubt in my mind that the smell wafting from it would either be the generic White Diamonds from Walgreens or the scent of the Scrubbing Bubbles gel Kim dabs behind her ears.
When Lindsay Lohan wakes up after a long night of Bible study and keeping her nose clean, she’s going to take one look at Kim’s picture and go apeshit. Lifetime had better up their prop room security and keep a weather eye out for a freckled shadow trying to break in and snatch the wig from the Liz & Dick Rubbermaid tote. Lindsay’s gonna have to stop posting holiday self lies and turn her WERK IT up to “high” if she’s going to fail to upstage Kim failing to upstage Liz.
So Johnny Depp was photographed in London on the set of Mortdecai looking like a mash up of Kevin Kline in Soapdish and Gary Oldman’s Commissioner Gordon and I don’t know how I feel about it. Normally Johnny goes straight to the “would fuck” column with very few exceptions (same goes for Kevin and Gary). He can keep Willy Wonka, who was one blur filter and a sassy collar hold away from being a pin-up for Glamorshots, and his creepy ass Frodo Baggins version of the Mad Hatter but otherwise, I thought he could get it anytime.
I already had enough fucking problems with my tears freezing this morning because my pansy assed, native Californian self can’t take this “four degrees with a fifteen below windchill” stuff. These pictures of Johnny in his Motel 6 bedspread shorty shorts and sock suspenders made my vagina cry and thanks to this bullshit weather, I’m pretty much an automatic ice dispenser from the waist down. It’s a sad day when not even the pics of him rolling around on the ground with another dude can turn my frozen tundra into a sunny lanai.
Call me when Johnny starts wearing forty-seven bracelets and six scarves again and his hair doesn’t look like it was harvested from a Cabbage Patch Cornsilk doll. When hot hobo Johnny is back, if you hear about the arrest of a 35 year old Midwest housewife who tried to tackle him while pointing at her crotch and screaming, “THERE SHOULD BE A CAPTAIN IN THERE SOMEWHERE!”, please have bail money ready.
I guess the only question left to ask is: would you hit it??
Previously on Orange is the New Lucite… – Staxcellence
This is what you get when porn stars start a landscaping business: all hoes, no green. - Who Datt
Lindsay Lohan hires her remaining fans to help look for the remnants of her career. – parissucksliterally
Slush Puppie is a delicious, diabetes-inducing ICEE that’s made up of ice and approximately 35,000 grams of flavored sugar. If real-life ice queen Nicole Kidman ate a whole lot of pineapple, her lady squirts would probably taste like a Slush Puppie. Anyway, Slush Puppie is the brand’s official mascot. I know, the dog mascot of a frozen summertime treat is a HSOTD in the middle of December. I’m so timely!
I thought about Slush Puppie this morning, because the news and my NY friends on AIM tell me that it’s snowing over there. During my first NYC blizzard, a friend and I were walking to the bar, and since I was a snow newbie and an 8-year-old stoner in the head, I said that it felt like we were trapped in a giant Slush Puppie machine. He said, “Yeah, if the flavors are Hobo Piss and Black Death.” So hearing that it’s snowing NYC made me sort of miss the days of almost breaking my ass bone on the sidewalk while trapped in a giant Hobo Piss Slush Puppie.
I think they still sell Slush Puppies at finer fast food restaurants and gourmet gas stations, so today I will put my parka over my tank top and coochie cutters, slip on my winter time flip-flops (they look like this), get into my car and brave the 60 degree temperatures to find a Slush Puppie. If I can’t find a Slush Puppie, I’ll just get a cup of ice and ask a hobo to piss in it. If I add about 500 packets of sugar to that cup of iced hobo piss, it’d be exactly like a Slush Puppie!
Xavier Samuel (30)
Summer Phoenix (35)
Emmanuelle Chriqui (36)
Evelyn Lozada (38)
Meg White (39)
Arden Myrin (40)
Bobby Flay (49)
Nia Peeples (52)
Sir Kenneth Branagh (53)
Rod Blagojevich (57)
Susan Dey (61)
Gloria Loring (67)
Fionnula Flanagan (72)
Agnes Nixon (91)
Throughout the weekend, an article from the satire site The Daily Currant where Kanye West claimed that he was the next Nelson Mandela made the rounds and everybody took it as real, because it’s not far off from some of the ridiculousness that has spewed out of his mouth. Well, the shit that R. Kelly said to The Guardian’s G2 supplement (via The Independent), which is not a satire site, I think, is almost as messy as the fake quote about Nelson Mandela that didn’t come out of Kanye’s mouth.
R. Kelly said that he sympathizes with Chris Brown, because they both did some wrong shit and climbed back up. Okay. R. Kelly probably should’ve stopped there and he only would’ve gotten a few side-eyes. But he kept going and just had to compare The Difficult Brown to Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus. R. Kelly speaks in third person so you already know this is going to be extra fucked up and after reading it you’ll know what it feels like for him to piss on your eyeballs after eating a whole lot of asparagus.
“I only feel sorry for weak people. And mostly what I’ve come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters. The ones that’s talking about Chris Brown, or R. Kelly, or anybody that’s successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”
Jesus is probably on Kayak booking his second coming right now and Martin Luther King’s coming with his ass so they can both slap this bitch down for talking crazy.
I don’t remember The Difficult Brown ever getting knocked down.. He knocked a few people down, beat in his girlfriend’s face, smashed a few windows and slapped some others around. I guess that’s practically the same thing as getting knocked down a little bit, right, R. Kelly? And Martin Luther King Jr. fought against intolerance and Chris Brown fought his girlfriend until she ended up in the hospital. Practically twinsies!
On a positive note, whenever R. Kelly is in an interview spewing out some dumb shit, it means at that moment he’s not spewing piss on some underage ass cheeks. There’s always a bright side.
In a video that looks like a terrifying clip cut from The Ring or like the beginning a 70s snuff film shot on 8mm, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan introduces herself and then sings out a few lines of Xtina’s “Beautiful.” Since the whole modeling thing didn’t really work out and White Oprah’s not going to pay for those unpaid invoices from her back alley pharmacists herself, Ali Lohan is trying to make a few ad revenue coins from singing on YouTube. And if that doesn’t work out, White Oprah will sell her to scientists who will study her to find out what kind of fucked-up chemicals make up a Lohan.
Ali Lohan has the exact same talking voice as this dude who lived next door to me when we were both 15. He had a mullet, only drank Shasta, only wore tank tops bought in gas stations, always smelled like a mixture of Irish Spring and a wet ash tray, was always out of breath and he had the raspiest voice ever. If extra coarse sandpaper grew vocal cords and a mouth and could speak, it would sound exactly like this kid. He wasn’t a smoker, but his mom and grandma were and he lived with their asses. They always had a cigarette in their hands and I never saw them exhale without a cloud of cigarette smoke coming out of their mouths. The walls of his house were always stained and sticky and the first time I hung out there, it was so smoky I thought that bitch was on fire. They were the cigarette industry’s dream family! Dude didn’t have smoker’s voice, but he did have a severe case of second hand smoker’s voice. So when I hear Ali Lohan talk, I see that dude I made it out with once in the back of a garage refrigerator when I was 15. It’s weirding me out.
As for her singing… She should’ve officially retired as a singer after Lohan Holiday, because she can never top that musical masterpiece. Here’s the karaoke version for your next holiday party: