Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black have both kept their mouth lips shut about whether or not they’re boning each other, but Tom did talk about his new boyfriend on an episode of Jonathan Ross Show (via E!) airing in the UK on Saturday. I thank the fuck that I was too lazy at 19 to keep a journal, because the shit that I wrote would’ve been a million times cheesier than the words that spilled out of this hairless muscle otter’s mouth while talking about meeting his new love. Tom said that when he first saw his future piece at a party, he didn’t know he was gay and immediately started squirting out hearts from his eyes.
“I’d never felt like anything like it before. We were at a party and I hadn’t even spoken to him all night. I didn’t know what to do or if he was gay at first. I typed ‘call me’ in his notes with a smiley face on this phone and the next day he texted. He makes me feel safe and happy. Right now I couldn’t be happier. I’d never felt the feeling of love. It happened so quickly. I was completely overwhelmed by it to the point I can’t get him out of my head all the time. I’ve never had it before where I love someone and they love me just as much.”
Oh, 19. Or if your name is Taylor Swift, oh, every age. Speaking of Taylor Swift, she just ripped a page out of the Poochie notebook she writes her lyrics in, because what Tom said there is exactly what she wrote down as the lyrics to her next song. Even that part about not knowing if he was gay at first, because even Taylor Swift knows she’s a closet gay magnet.
Tom went on to say that when he goes to the labels section at Staples and browses through all the “Hello, I Am Gay,” “Hello, I Am Straight” and “Hello, I Am Bi” labels, he doesn’t pick up any of them, because he doesn’t believe in labels! But he does believe in love and he said more vommy words of love about his man.
“He saved me from not wanting to dive anymore. After the Olympics I was down in the dumps, as it’s such a hard way to get back into everything, but he gave me the extra motivation and made me work harder and that is exactly what I need. It was a terrifying decision to make, I didn’t know what the reaction was going to be like, I didn’t know how it was going to go but I felt I needed to say something. I wanted to say something in my own words and from the heart, I didn’t know what else to do.”
Tom Daley was totally over diving until Dustin Lance Black put the champion spirit back in his heart by spreading those ass cheeks and calling him the greatest diver who ever lived as he dove his peen into that b-hole. (Yes, I just called Tom Daley a top again. What is going on with me?!) Some people have serious thoughts about this. They think that because DLB is 39 and Tom is 19, DLB is nothing but a chickenhawk in Justin Bieber 2010 hair who is going to toss Tom Daley into a pile of de-creamed twinks as soon as that kid grows his second pube. I say second because the first one could be a one-off. And those same people are scared that DLB is going to suck out Tom’s innocence. Whatever. I mean, isn’t doing older dudes at 19 all part of life? Who at 19 didn’t troll hotel bars looking for older men to take you up to their room and let you pick out any booze of bottle you wanted from the minibar? Anybody? Anybody? Oh shit, just me then.
Here’s Tom going to dinner with his friends in London last night.
I never thought the day would come when Miley Cyrus’s Twitter feed would school my ass on romance. Here I thought it was all about flowers and jewelry and long walks on the beach where I spend the entire time bitching about the wind and how shitty my hair looks and begging to go back to my natural habitat (anywhere inside). It looks I’ve spent the last 14 years whining about the wrong shit and missed the memo announcing true love has taken flight in the form of the most beauteous fashion statement of all time- the Canadian tuxedo!
Love for denim on denim must run through Miley’s veins. Billy Ray was saucing the panties back in his mullet days with some bulge, a little bit of titty fur and a lot of jean. Now we know how Daddy Cyrus ended up with so many kids (the answer to the mystery of who foaled Trace may lie in this picture here).
Even though Miley’s tweet could easily replace The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate as the go-to resource for how to have a successful relationship, it might just be her way of letting Liam Hemsworth know what he has to do to get back in her good graces. USWeekly says the two have been “flirty” texting (Miley: Ooh, baby, I wanna ride your wrecking balls- GROSS!) and that Liam wants to reconcile. If he had any sense, he wouldn’t be too quick to race back to a life where he’ll spend the rest of his days dressed like a bunkassed redneck wedding cake topper.
“I won’t be coming in today, because I prolapsed last night and have to spend my day trying to shove everything back up in there” is the line that thousands of office managers heard on their voicemails this morning from the Cumberbitches who watched their amphibian alien sex god on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.
On JKL last night, Benedict Cumberbatch (that’s my favorite thing to order at brunch!) put the cum in Cumberbatch and gave all of his fangirls a Cumberboner when he did a dramatic reading of R. Kelly’s “Genius.” If R. Kelly’s lyrics are blood and Cumberbatch’s voice is a peen, then together they created a rock hard boner that fucked everybody’s ear holes. If you’re not a bareback slut when it comes to ear sex, put a condom over your speakers before pressing play.
And if Bendydick Cumsinbatches is the R. Kelly of fancy British movie actors (“I’d let him cumberpiss on me.” – some sucio Cumberslut), then who is the Lady CaCa of fancy British movie actresses? Let’s just say it’s Helena Bonham Carter, because my ears really need a cover of “Do What U Want” by her and this distinguished lizard martian.
A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
Soon-Yi finally found a way to keep Woody off of her. She bought two more for her daughters just in case. – Bruinschick
They’re always rubbing their little pricks against me, I just wanted to return the favor. – Kizzy
You can achieve this same reaction by simply being Pete Doherty. – ANightWriter
I’m snorting crushed up Claritin just thinking about this shit. In the mid-90s when The Gap was the king of the mall (Side note: But not my king. The Gap was still too expensive for me. The king of my mall was the 10 t-shirts for $10 store) they put out a line of scents with hippy ass names. Gap Scents had names like Grass, Dream, OM, Heaven, Day and Earth. I think I just typed out the names of Alicia Silverstone’s future children. I remember OM and Grass being the most popular. OM smelled like tea and Grass smelled like, duh, freshly cut grass. That mess drove people nuts. It was the Forklift Foot to their gnats. They couldn’t get enough of it and wanted to eat all of it with their nostrils.
Nearly half of the girls in my school wore Grass and they treated that crap like it was the other (read: better) kind of grass in a bottle. They acted like it was liquid weed in a bottle and spraying it on their tongue would give them a quick high. (Note to self: The next time I come in contact with a vintage bottle of Gap Grass, spray it on my tongue to see if it gives me a quick high.)
Gap discontinued Grass a while ago, but if the 90s hasn’t left your being and you need a fix, you can get one on eBay. Or you can just follow the gardener trucks around and every time they finish cutting someone’s lawn, just get naked and roll around on it. You’d smell like a bottle of Gap Grass (with a hint of dog shit).
Margaret Cho (45)
Little Richard (81)
Ross Bagley (25)
Frankie Muniz (28)
Lauren London (29)
Keri Hilson (31)
Jessica Pare (33)
Nick Stahl (34)
Amy Acker (37)
Paula Patton (38)
Shalom Harlow (40)
Kali Rocha (42)
Lisa Marie (45)
Gary Allan (46)
Amanda Lepore (46)
John Rzeznik (48)
Brian Backer (57)
Morgan Brittany (62)
Jim Messina (66)
Jose Carreras (67)
Joan Didion (79)
(Pic via Carolina Style)
Masterpiece artist and the savior to the gay community James Franco jizzed up two pictures on Facebook and called them both “50 Shades of Batman and Robin.” The first one is pretty tame. I mean, that’s probably what James wears around the house all the time. The second one is NSFW (unless you work as a janitor in the DC Comics bath house) and is after the cut. It will make you jizz up a warm load of questions marks. Jizz being the key word.
If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.
No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.
Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!
There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.
(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)
Some say that the Christmas season doesn’t officially start until someone gets stabbed while fighting over a $100 DVD at Walmart on Thanksgiving night. But I’ve always felt that the Christmas season doesn’t really begin until three pairs of Spanx on Mimi’s body are screaming for mercy as she yodels out high notes during some tree lighting somewhere. The festivities (read: getting drunk on peppermint schnapps and switching your regular lube to egg nog-scented) leading up to Baby Jesus’ born day can really begin now that Mimi has sung out “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (what fucking else?) while wrapped in a bedazzled Spandex cocoon at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting.
Those singing children are braver than me, because there’s no way I’d stand that close to Mimi. There’s a 99% chance those pairs of Spanx and that three-sizes-too-small dress will let go and let God, and rip apart sending rhinestones and pieces of Spandex flying everywhere. One of those flying rhinestones could blind a kid. But thankfully that didn’t happen and if it did, I’m sure they’ll edit it out of the final broadcast so it won’t ruin your holiday. Happy Mimimas!