At the end of every day, Bruce Jenner slips on his white marabou feather robe, pours some champagne into a crystal champagne flute, puts on a little Julie London and unwinds at his gold vanity where he gracefully applies pearl cream to his luscious face. When Bruce Jenner really wants to feel like the delicate swan he is, he smears pearl cream all over his décolletage and right when the music starts to swell, he runs his hand up to his neck, but something always get in the way like a giant roadblock and ruins the moment. That something is his fucking girthy Adam’s apple! So Bruce’s hacking the thing off.
TMZ says that the lone flower in the Kartrashian garden met with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills today to get his Adam’s apple shaved down. Usually, only transgender women get their Adam’s apple shaved down as part of the gender reassignment process, but Bruce says that contrary to that cover of Star Magazine, he doesn’t want to be a woman. Bruce just hates that third elbow on his neck. Bruce tells TMZ, “I just never liked my trachea.”
Bruce claims he just went in for a consultation and hasn’t scheduled the surgery yet, but a source (whose name starts with Pimp and ends with Kris, I’m sure) says he’s doing it early next year.
I feel Bruce’s struggle. My Adam’s apple is huge, but I’ve learned to love it. I can hang crap on it when I need to go hands free. I can chop a block of ice with it if I don’t have an ice pick nearby. I can even slap a bitch with it or fuck a butt with it. It has a million uses!
And I’m kind of surprised Bruce still has an Adam’s apple. It’s amazing that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t tear it off with her fangs years ago.
The Mighty O has made it clear before that motherhood is something she never tried to reach for and she never had the urge to push a human out of her heavenly oyster. Oprah wanted other things and besides, she already tried to raise a bald asshole who constantly dribbles out lukewarm nonsense, is always crying for attention and reeks of wet shit. His name is Dr. Phil.
Oprah tells The Hollywood Reporter that if she did have her own kids, they’d be calling their team of nannies “mom” while she was off ruling the world and saving us all!
“Gayle [now a mother of two] was the kind of kid who, in seventh grade Home Ec class, was writing down her name and the names of her children. While she was having those kind of daydreams, I was having daydreams about how I could be Martin Luther King. If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would’ve probably been them.”
So, Oprah’s kids would hate her, talk shit about her and sell her out. That sounds like 50% of kids in the world and 99.9% of the kids in Hollywood. Sounds normal to me! But I get it, Oprah is the Earth’s mother, which means that we’re kind of like her kids, which means that she should expect us to call every other day crying for a loan (Note: loans from moms are on a sliding-scale, so Oprah can give us like $20 million each). And just like my real mom, she can pick up the phone, see my name, hit the ignore button and continue watching Untold Stories of the ER.
Did I just fall in love? I mean, she doesn’t exactly fit my type, but I guess I could change. Maybe I could convince her to gain 100lbs and start showering in Mountain Dew Code Red and trade ping-pong for Xbox? No, you know what Allison? You’ve got to love her despite her lack of penis and beer gut. Focus on the positives; she’s a super cool stoner lady with a Don’t Give A Fuck attitude, and isn’t that what everybody wants to grow old with?
According to the NY Daily News, Susan Sarandon appeared on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and discussed how she gets ready for every SAG and Golden Globe award show. Turns out her “glam squad” (Side note from Michael: The flat iron is touching my eyeball!) includes a white dude with dreadlocks named Kai:
During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on “Watch What Happens Live” Wednesday, host Andy Cohen asked Sarandon, “Name one major Hollywood event that you showed up to stoned.”
She replied, “Only one?”
“I would say almost all except the Oscars,” she admitted.
While she didn’t get baked with Cohen and the show’s other guest Ralph Fiennes, they did enjoy a drink or two or three, and maybe even a shot.
I’ve never been to a fancy award show, but I do know people who have (HUMBLE BRRAAAAG) and I’ve been told it’s more boring than being fitted for orthopaedic shoe inserts (something I do know about) so I can’t blame her for choosing to bliss the fuck out in order to get through a 3+ hour long Hollywood actor circle jerk. Sure, in the beginning she was probably just so gosh-darn excited to put on a fancy dress and go to the Golden Globes, but Susan Sarandon is as A-list as it gets now, so her inbox is running at-capacity with the thousands of invitations to Honorary Award this and Lifetime Achievement Award that. Ugh, just imagining reading that many emails has got me anxious enough to eat a 9×9 pan of pot brownies; I don’t know how she does it. Oh wait…weed. Sorry guys, I’m pretty Sarandoned right now.
(Pic via Wenn)
Dianna Agron’s spread for Galore Magazine looks like a low-budget campaign for the Guess outlet that ran in the PennySaver. I love it! - Drunken Stepfather
Taylor Swift hung out with Selena Gomez’s rival Lorde in Melbourne and for a second there I thought Lorde was Harry Styles with a luxurious weave – Lainey Gossip
I watched for Amy Poehler and Billy Eichner, I stayed for that poor child named Arrow – Towleroad
Chelsy Davy did what I would do if I had Prince Hot Ginge’s number – Celebitchy
Backdoor Farrah’s got Christmas all over her face and in a shocking turn of events “Christmas” is not some nickname a porn star gave to his loads – Reality Tea
COURTINA IS BACK! (And now I’m going to cover myself in crack dust and feed myself to Rob Ford, because knowing the names of Courtney Stodden’s alter egos is my rock bottom) – The Superficial
Meagan Good’s exquisite eyebrows get two gold stars, but that dress… – Hollywood Tuna
Katy Perry looks like a low-paid party extra from Woo – Popoholic
Gay Fish & The Hobbit should really be a new show on Comedy Central – Jezebel
Speaking of Gay Fish, Arsenio Hall has a few things to say about his verbal insanity – IDLYITW
Oh look, Teen Mom Jenelle’s mom will soon have another mouth to feed – ICYDK
The Golden Globe nominees react to their nominations and surprisingly none of them said, “I’m going to give my nomination to Oprah, because that’s what GOD would want me to do” – Popsugar
I only watch Naked & Afraid for the man ass. Doesn’t everybody? – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Sofia Vergara ain’t ashamed of her hustle game – HuffPo
Tom Hardy in a trench and bow tie. The end. – Just Jared
“Meh, I’ve seen bigger crustaceans crawling out of my crotch” said every dude who’s been with Wonky McValtrex – SOW
Channing Tatum went to the beach, kept his top on… There’s something wrong about that statement – I’m Not Obsessed
Whatever store the Capitol people from The Hunger Games buy their clothes from had a clearance sale and Rita Ora went crazy at it - Moe Jackson
We might owe Kim Kardashian an apology; it appears she didn’t end up using all the Photoshop for her Us Weekly cover. Staying true to her word, it looks like 10% was donated to the Pretty Little Liars marketing team to create this promo picture. New Truth. New Enemy. New Year. New Noses and Jawlines.
This is the kind of cut-and-paste job that most of us could laugh and then ignore, but not Ashley Benson. Ashley, who plays (it doesn’t matter) on Pretty Little Liars took to her Instagram to shake her head in disgust at the poor design intern who created this mess by posting the picture with the following caption:
Saw this floating around….hope it’s not the poster. Our faces in this were from 4 years ago…..and we all look ridiculous. Way too much photo shop. We all have flaws. No one looks like this. It’s not attractive.
Flaws? HAHAHAHAHA oh my god. Get back to me when you sit down for an appointment with a new dentist and the first question they ask is: “Did you recently suffer a mouth injury, or have your teeth always looked like that?”
The cast of Pretty Little Liars are near-perfect Barbie dolls in real life, so there’d really be no reason to edit this photo using the Kardashian filter in Photoshop (it’s a combination of Blur Tool and Tramp Stamp). It’s a bit heavy-handed; there’s basic clean up, and then there’s airbrushing so hard they end up looking like MAC face charts. I’ve seen more realistic faces painted on T-shirts at a Panama City Beach, FL airbrushing booth.
I don’t know if this is an early promo shot for the 5th Season of Pretty Little Liars or just some Instagram shit created by a fan, but it could be either. But either way, we don’t need to worry about the future of the person who made this; they’ve already been offered lifetime contracts by Mariah Carey, Brit Brit, and Madonna.
(Pic via Instagram)
Two days ago, zillionaire, supermodel, mother and ruiner of Tom Brady’s hair situation, Gisele Bundchen, Instagrammed a picture of her baby sucking leche out of her nip while her “glam squad” (Side note: Every time I see some celebwhore say “glam squad” I want to flat iron my eyeballs) worked on her from hair to fingertip. Some snapped their eye rolling muscle while reacting to that picture, because the picture is ridiculous and Gizz is ridiculous. On the set of Shameless yesterday, Emmy Rossum decided to mock the picture with help from Shameless’ make-up and hair people and a baby doll with a fro. Emmy added this little note for Gizz:
Hey @giseleofficial, I feel ya girl. #kidding #fakebaby #soymilk #shameless
What a cold bitch that Emmy Rossum is! How dare she make fun of the plight of a working mother! Gisele flew 15 hours and slept for only 3 hours and she still showed up to work and fed her child at the same time! Yes, Gisele flew on a private jet, forgot to put a “1” before that “3,” considers working as sitting in a chair doing nothing and has to breastfeed anyway since it’s a worldwide law, but still.
If “Giseling” must become a new meme, then can John Travolta please Instagram a picture of him breastfeeding his boy toy while getting his b-hole waxed and his hair painted on?
The “Fake” Sign Language Interpreter Claims He’s Schizophrenic And Was Hallucinating During Mandela Memorial
Thamsanqa Jantjie, yesterday’s HSOTD and the sign language interpreter who was accused of fake signing his way through Nelson Mandela’s memorial, is trying to clear his reputation and claims that while he was interpreting he had severe hallucinations. He says that he saw angels flying through the stadium. Does anybody know if the First Lady of Cameroooooon Chantal Biya was at the memorial? Because if she was and happened to queef during it, those angels flying through the stadium weren’t a hallucination.
CNN says that there’s a history of Jantjie signing complete gibberish during national events. But Jantjie tells CNN that he is a skilled sign language interpreter and he apologizes to any deaf association and deaf person who couldn’t understand him. Jantjie has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and was due for a six-month check-up with his doctor on the day of Nelson Mandela’s memorial. The company that hired Jantjie knew that he’s schizophrenic, but they didn’t know he had a check-up scheduled for that day. South Africa’s deputy minister of women, children and people with disabilities said during a press conference that they tried to find the owners of the company that contracted Jantjie, but they are nowhere to be found. Bitches packed up, cleared out of their office and didn’t leave a forwarding address.
Jantjie says that he knew the day was going to be fucked-up when he walked into the stadium and saw angels flying in the sky. He told AP (via The Telegraph) that he got nervous, because sometimes he has schizophrenic episodes that cause him to be violent and there were armed guards all around him.
“What happened that day, I see angels come to the stadium … I start realising that the problem is here. And the problem, I don’t know the attack of this problem, how will it come. Sometimes I get violent on that place. Sometimes I will see things chasing me. And remember those people, the president and everyone, they were armed, there was armed police around me. If I start panicking I’ll start being a problem. I have to deal with this in a manner so that I mustn’t embarrass my country.”
Jantjie once again apologized to anyone who was offended and plans to keep on signing:
“I would like to tell everybody that if I’ve offended anyone, please, forgive me. But what I was doing, I was doing what I believe is my calling, I was doing what I believe makes a difference.”
It’s obvious what’s really going on here. Obama, PM Helle from Denmark and PM David from the UK set this dude up to take the heat off of SelfieGate. Thanks, Obama, AGAIN!
Just Jared got the first EXCLUSIVO pictures of 39-year-old screenwriting chickenhawk Dustin Lance Black and his 19-year-old diving pedacito Tom Daley hanging out together as a couple. Twinkie Tom is currently training for the 2016 Olympics in Houston, Texas and DLB was with him as he left the University of Houston diving center yesterday. These pictures are about as natural and candid as Kim Kardashian’s entire life. I’m not being sarcastic (yes, that’s possible, I think) when I say that I am so happy that a gay couple has starred in a totally staged photo-op that required rehearsals, a stage manager, a team of stylists, a body language coach, craft services, stage tape for marking, a few teamsters, stand-ins, a lighting crew, a couple of drones and a cinematographer. I think Tom Daley got his SAG card from this photo shoot. This photo shoot had a bigger budget than DLB’s last movie.
A gay couple is finally showing LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian and Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt how a choreographed photo-op is really done. Tom and DLB kept it simple, coordinated their ensembles and gave us a Photoshop-able picture of DLB sucking on Tom’s straw. We really have come so far!
With all that being said, this photo shoot only gets a B+ from me. I cannot give it an A because of two words: iPhone prints. Those iPhone prints look like brick-shaped leg tumors. Peen prints in a photo-op are always okay, but iPhone prints in a photo-op are NEVER okay
Following Sir Ian McKellan’s response to Damian’s interview with The Guardian in which he said he looked into his career’s crystal ball when he was in his 20′s and worried about only seeing himself playing Gandalf the Gay, Damian issued an apology (via the NYDN).
“I am hugely embarrassed that comments of mine have been linked in a negative way to Sir Ian McKellen,” Lewis said, in a statement obtained by the Daily News.
In his statement, Lewis said that he has “always been, and continue to be, an enormous fan and admirer” of McKellen.
“My comment in The Guardian was a sound bite I’ve been giving since 1999 — it was a generic analogy that was never intended to demean or describe anyone else’s career,” he said. “I have contacted Sir Ian McKellen and have given him my sincerest apologies.”
Come on, Damian. “Fruity wizard” sounds a little personal and also kind of like a glorious breakfast cereal waiting to happen, as long as they don’t fuck up and make the wizard staffs and hats look like dicks and used condoms. You get a 3 out of 10 on the backpedal scale and Sir Ian wins this round of Wizard vs. Lemme Look You Up On IMDB Real Quick.
Damian should take some time for personal reflection and to brush up on his acting skills to ensure the longevity of a career he would be lucky to have last as long and be as distinguished as Sir Ian’s. I hear Claire Danes is holding a seminar on how to make a career out of ugly crying in her trailer between Homeland scenes.