There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.
Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.
Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).
Well, one of my Christmas wishes was for Jinx Monsoon and Raven to play Mary Magdalene and Jesus in a disco Dynasty version of Jesus Christ Superstar and I guess this still is the closest I’m ever going to get to that.
On last night’s grand finale of The Voice (SPOILER ALERT: Someone whose album you’re not going to buy won), Lady CaCa and Xtina officially ended whatever cunt royale feud they were in by singing a duet of “Do What U Want” while trapped in some kind of bizarre Carrington mansion lesbionic fever dream.
There was so much screeching and grunting that it sounded like sketti night at Honey Boo Boo’s house or like John Travolta letting his growling Scientolohole loose on a bunch of unsuspecting massage therapists at a gay spa. But with that being said, I’d much rather hear Xtina sing this wreck of a song with Lady CaCa than R. Kelly. Because when R. Kelly sings “I could be the drink in your cup,” I have to pour 2 cups of boiling Clorox into my ear hole to erase the images of him saying that line while trolling a high school with nothing but a tarp and a full bladder. But when Xtina sings “…do what u want,” I just picture her serenading all the Bronzer sticks at the MAC Counter at Nordstrom. I’d much rather think about Xtina giving oral to a Bronzer stick…..
I’m torn and split my anus stitches about this campy disaster of a performance. On one hand, I’m into anything that looks like a reboot of Dynasty set in Eternia. On the other hand, Lady CaCa’s wig ruined this shit for me. She should’ve known to leave that hair on the wig head, because Jackie Rogers Jr., Ann Jillian and Agnetha from ABBA all worked it better than she ever could.
If you’re still weeping into a carton of bananas foster-flavored Häagen-Dazs because Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams broke up and shat all over your heart before you could get over the ending of The Notebook, stop that ugly ass crying because there’s hope on the horizon. Radar is reporting Ryan and Eva Mendes are stepping back from their two-year relationship and if Ryan didn’t break it off by changing this scene to say “I want none of you… forever“, then the floor can open up underneath me and suck me down the water slide to hell because I have nothing more to live for.
The 2 Fast 2 Furious actress and The Notebook hunk haven’t officially split, but, “there was a realization before Thanksgiving that they took things way too fast and were rushing toward a marriage that neither of them particularly needed,” a source told Radar.
“They’ve decided to take a break to reevaluate their romance.”
Still, according to the source, Gosling, 33, is the one who is undecided, but “Eva wanted to have his babies.”
Nicholas Sparks could take a cue from this “source” on how to write true romance. It’s not declarations of love in the rain or sappy break ups and make ups. I’ve never heard a line more romantic or full of love than “rushing toward a marriage that neither of them particularly needed“. Poetry! Who needs Tom Hiddleston’s recital of May I Feel Said He when there’s such moving prose about Eva and Ryan’s relationship that boils down to becoming totally complacent and no longer being in charge of your relationship trajectory.
And Eva, Eva, Eva. You gotta up your game! A strong seventy-six percent of the women on the internet have called dibs on Ryan’s baby gravy, so you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that to sink your hooks in. Maybe Rachel can take a second out of her busy schedule of keeping in touch with Ryan to give you some pointers on how to always be a contender.
With his ‘just a guy from Jersey’ motto, Chris Christie’s campaign for 2016 was officially kicked off – H321
Cletus, too lazy to open his mouth to eat and drink, has started to absorb them directly through his skin. – Beezers
Dude, that’s not how you cup a titty. – Meggiejean13
Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie!
Long before the Hostess blackout of 2012 crippled the country and nearly cost us our national food, Twinkies, Hostess made hos do the slow wall slide of NOOOOOO when they discontinued Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pies (I’m not talking about chocolate, I’m talking about VANILLA). I don’t know when this happened and I’m a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t scream through the supermarkets when it happened. But last night, I had a dream where a Vanilla Pudding Pie made an appearance. Yes, I had a dream about pie. Kirstie Alley and I must share the same dream channel.
The Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie was a slice of gross mixed with a slice of heaven. Sometimes when I bit into one, I didn’t know whether I wanted to barf or swallow. Sometimes I couldn’t believe that gross mess was in my mouth and the next minute I’d want to deep throat my way to diabetes. It was just pure, sticky messiness and I’m sure many sucio, pie-fucking bitches lost their virginity in it.
Here’s the commercial for that mess.
That commercial really isn’t right. The Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie really deserved better. Or did it? I don’t know, but I do know that I really want to hate eat one again.
Brad Pitt (50)
Ashley Benson (24)
Tara Conner (28)
Josh Dallas (32)
Christina Aguilera (33)
Katie Holmes (35)
Sia Furler (38)
Trish Stratus (38)
Rah Digga (39)
Rob Van Dam (43)
Victoria Pratt (43)
Casper Van Dien (45)
Rachel Griffiths (45)
Stone Cold Steve Austin (49)
Charles Oakley (50)
Ray Liotta (59)
Leonard Maltin (63)
Steven Spielberg (67)
Keith Richards (70)
In news that makes me want to scream, “RUUUUUN, BLANKET, RUUUUN, LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY,” Joe Jackson’s pimp hand starts to get the tingles in a trailer for a new documentary about Michael Jackson. The documentary titled Remembering Michael (working title: Remember Who Pays Our Bills, Still) is being put together by Katherine Jackson and she’s looking to raise $3.2 million to finish it. Katherine says she’s releasing it as a tribute to Michael and she’s also releasing it because the Jacksons love MOOOONAAAAY.
Michael already got a tribute tour, tribute greatest hits CD, tribute reality show, tribute this, tribute that and I’m sure he’ll soon get a tribute wig line, tribute makeup line and tribute Jesus Juice line. So the trailer for this tribute documentary made me shrug and let out an “eh” until I saw that Satanic twinkle in Joe Jackson’s eyes as he talked about “training” Blanket Jackson to be the next Jackson money maker. Here’s the words that should cause Bubbles to snatch up Blanket and put that child in the Jackson Protection Program.
“They also say that there will never be a Michael Jackson. And I say that we already have one, but he just has to be trained. That kid is the spitting image of Michael when Michael was smaller.”
Blanket Jackson doesn’t really look like a young Michael Jackson to me, but then I tried to look at them both through Joe Jackson’s pimp eyes. When MJ was young, Joe Jackson saw him as a sparkly gold dollar sign and when he looks at Blanket he probably sees the same thing. So yeah, they do look exactly alike through Joe Jackson’s eyes! Joe Jackson may be a shady fart out of Lucifer’s ass, but he didn’t lie there.
And I hope that when Joe Jackson raises his pimp hand and commands Blanket to do the moonwalk, Blanket rolls his eyes, flips his luscious mane and says, “Nice try, girl, but I’m going to be a hair model. Good day.”
Here’s the trailer if you really need to heat Blanket Jackson speak and see Joe Jackson’s grizzled old bulldog face in motion.
In an interview with The Cut, the tepid lump of cream of wheat known as Blake Lively talked about everything from The Cheesecake Factory (stuffed mushrooms and Chicken Madiera 4EVA!), the maybe-lifestyle website she’s launching, pixie cuts, food and a bunch of other crap. The best part of the interview is how she started off answering almost every question the interviewer asked. Blake’s brain sputtered so much before turning over she reminded me of the 1971 Super Beetle I had back in the day that would only start with six sets of crossed fingers, a near-flooded engine and a virgin sacrifice.
Here are the highlights:
What do you think you smell like day-to-day?
I think I smell like … cookies. [Laughs.]
What scent would you associate with your first date?
Hmm. I don’t know if I have ever been on a date.
A lot of other celebrities have been getting pixie cuts recently. Would you?
Hmm, I don’t know.
A lot of people are excited to hear about your upcoming lifestyle site.
I don’t know if it’s a lifestyle site.
So it’s not a lifestyle site?
No. Yes, it will be a site.
What do you think of other lifestyle sites like Goop?
Oh my gosh, I’m such a huge fan.
Have you made anything from the Goop cookbooks?
No, I haven’t.
Blake could have walked into that room, flopped down on a couch and spent the entire interview saying, “Yes, no, maybe so.” and the result would have been exactly the fucking same. Here’s to hoping her wax statue of a husband, Ryan Reynolds, has more to offer their gene pool than his Gaston chin and a six pack you can grate cheese on, or their poor kids will be stuck with more visible abs than they have brain cells.
Reading her interviews, I feel like I have very little in common with Blake, besides the inability to put a coherent sentence together and the fact that my figure is also a product of chocolate and no exercise. Oh, and I also smell like cookies a lot because at any given time there are Oreo crumbs down my bra. Actually, it sounds like she and I have all the key aspects of Blake’s life in common so if you’ll excuse me, there’s a Costco-sized tub of Cool Whip in the fridge with my name and a label that says “go ahead, eat your feelings” on it.
A bearded Prince Hot Ginge gets behind a bearded ASkars in the South Pole. This is how 9 out of 10 of my gay porn wet dreams begin… – Towleroad
The 22 Jump Street trailer definitely needs more Dave Franco owning some ass – Lainey Gossip
I wonder if Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s couples therapist is Fiona Wallace? (That’s a reference for the 2 of us who watch Web Therapy) – Celebitchy
Seeing this trashy Santa Claus brawl makes me miss the drunken foolery fiesta that is SantaCon – Drunken Stepfather
In case you needed to be reminded or R. Kelly’s child rape golden shower ways… – The Superficial
Irish model type Rosalind Lipsett does an Irish Christmas Dance, but I thought the Irish Christmas Dance involved doing the drunken wobble and yelling at your relatives until you fall on the tree – Hollywood Tuna
I really hope that in the AbFab movie they go to Australia and wreak havoc with Kath & Kim – OMG Blog
Looking like a dumpster Dollar Tree Heidi Montag and Bruce Springsteen - Reality Tea
Olivia Wilde is hiding a fetus somewhere in that body, right? – Popoholic
Oh, the poor girl probably passed out from boredom. It’s a side effect of a partying at The Biebs’ playhouse – IDLYITW
RiRi is the new infinityhead of Balmain – Jezebel
And three seconds later, Sunny Obama took all those kids out in one swoop – Popsugar
Drunk mess Brandi Glanville loves the sweet nectar too much to go to rehab – ICYDK
25 celebrities who used to be homeless – The Berry
Why hello there, Liev Schreiber’s nipples – Just Jared
Julia Roberts dressed like an off-duty maitre d’ at the August: Osage County premiere in L.A. - I’m Not Obsessed
Brooklyn Decker’s right nipple, here it is – Moe Jackson
If you got 7 minutes in your day and really want to see a couple get engaged with help from Aaron Paul, here you go, BITCH. But really, 7 minutes?! – Videogum
Dude looks like an AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! – SOW
Well, this is equal parts weird and sweet. Colin Farrell told the Ellen show (via USWeekly) that he and Elizabeth Taylor became acquainted after he sent his best wishes to her through her manager when they were both at Cedars Sinai years ago- Colin for the birth of his son, Henry, and Liz for a stent in her heart. Afterward, he says the two were thought twins and sent each other flowers, and he went on to chronicle the relationship between the two that followed.
A week later, Farrell asked if he could visit her. “I asked Danica, and she made some calls, and I got to have an audience with her,” he told DeGeneres. “And that was the beginning of a year and a half or two years of what was a really cool [relationship]. It was kind of like the last — it feels like in my head, not hers, I’m projecting — but the last kind of romantic relationship I had. Which was never consummated.”
Farrell went on to detail their late-night phone calls. “It was really cool, and she wasn’t much of a sleeper at night, like I’m not, so at two o’clock in the morning, I’d call her,” he said. “I’d call her at two in the morning, and the nurse would answer the phone, and I’d say, ‘Is she awake?’…And then I’d be on the phone and I’d hear, ‘Hello?’ And I’d go, ‘How’s it going?’ And we’d talk for a half an hour, an hour, into the wee hours.”
“She was a spectacular, spectacular woman. I wanted to be [husband] number eight, but we ran out of road.”
Wait, what? Is that how it works? We can call relationship dibs on whoever we have the most poignant phone conversations with? If that’s the case, the annoying telemarking company with the blaring cruise ship horn will need to put a motherfucking ring on it because our romantic tango of them calling and me screaming, “Fuck off!” is as poignant as it gets.
Before you all start throwing tomatoes at my ass, I know Colin meant that the connection he and Liz built over two years was deep and beautiful (and as touching as this Craigslist ad). It’s sad he never got to be Liz’s Love Potion Number 9 at the altar. Colin’s lasting love for Liz is also a great motivator for staying on the wagon, lest he finds himself drunk and high on Lindsay Lohan’s doorstep, begging her to put on her bootleg Lifetime Liz wig so he can get a taste of how life could have been in another time and place.