In news that makes me want to scream, “RUUUUUN, BLANKET, RUUUUN, LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY,” Joe Jackson’s pimp hand starts to get the tingles in a trailer for a new documentary about Michael Jackson. The documentary titled Remembering Michael (working title: Remember Who Pays Our Bills, Still) is being put together by Katherine Jackson and she’s looking to raise $3.2 million to finish it. Katherine says she’s releasing it as a tribute to Michael and she’s also releasing it because the Jacksons love MOOOONAAAAY.
Michael already got a tribute tour, tribute greatest hits CD, tribute reality show, tribute this, tribute that and I’m sure he’ll soon get a tribute wig line, tribute makeup line and tribute Jesus Juice line. So the trailer for this tribute documentary made me shrug and let out an “eh” until I saw that Satanic twinkle in Joe Jackson’s eyes as he talked about “training” Blanket Jackson to be the next Jackson money maker. Here’s the words that should cause Bubbles to snatch up Blanket and put that child in the Jackson Protection Program.
“They also say that there will never be a Michael Jackson. And I say that we already have one, but he just has to be trained. That kid is the spitting image of Michael when Michael was smaller.”
Blanket Jackson doesn’t really look like a young Michael Jackson to me, but then I tried to look at them both through Joe Jackson’s pimp eyes. When MJ was young, Joe Jackson saw him as a sparkly gold dollar sign and when he looks at Blanket he probably sees the same thing. So yeah, they do look exactly alike through Joe Jackson’s eyes! Joe Jackson may be a shady fart out of Lucifer’s ass, but he didn’t lie there.
And I hope that when Joe Jackson raises his pimp hand and commands Blanket to do the moonwalk, Blanket rolls his eyes, flips his luscious mane and says, “Nice try, girl, but I’m going to be a hair model. Good day.”
Here’s the trailer if you really need to heat Blanket Jackson speak and see Joe Jackson’s grizzled old bulldog face in motion.
In an interview with The Cut, the tepid lump of cream of wheat known as Blake Lively talked about everything from The Cheesecake Factory (stuffed mushrooms and Chicken Madiera 4EVA!), the maybe-lifestyle website she’s launching, pixie cuts, food and a bunch of other crap. The best part of the interview is how she started off answering almost every question the interviewer asked. Blake’s brain sputtered so much before turning over she reminded me of the 1971 Super Beetle I had back in the day that would only start with six sets of crossed fingers, a near-flooded engine and a virgin sacrifice.
Here are the highlights:
What do you think you smell like day-to-day?
I think I smell like … cookies. [Laughs.]
What scent would you associate with your first date?
Hmm. I don’t know if I have ever been on a date.
A lot of other celebrities have been getting pixie cuts recently. Would you?
Hmm, I don’t know.
A lot of people are excited to hear about your upcoming lifestyle site.
I don’t know if it’s a lifestyle site.
So it’s not a lifestyle site?
No. Yes, it will be a site.
What do you think of other lifestyle sites like Goop?
Oh my gosh, I’m such a huge fan.
Have you made anything from the Goop cookbooks?
No, I haven’t.
Blake could have walked into that room, flopped down on a couch and spent the entire interview saying, “Yes, no, maybe so.” and the result would have been exactly the fucking same. Here’s to hoping her wax statue of a husband, Ryan Reynolds, has more to offer their gene pool than his Gaston chin and a six pack you can grate cheese on, or their poor kids will be stuck with more visible abs than they have brain cells.
Reading her interviews, I feel like I have very little in common with Blake, besides the inability to put a coherent sentence together and the fact that my figure is also a product of chocolate and no exercise. Oh, and I also smell like cookies a lot because at any given time there are Oreo crumbs down my bra. Actually, it sounds like she and I have all the key aspects of Blake’s life in common so if you’ll excuse me, there’s a Costco-sized tub of Cool Whip in the fridge with my name and a label that says “go ahead, eat your feelings” on it.
A bearded Prince Hot Ginge gets behind a bearded ASkars in the South Pole. This is how 9 out of 10 of my gay porn wet dreams begin… – Towleroad
The 22 Jump Street trailer definitely needs more Dave Franco owning some ass – Lainey Gossip
I wonder if Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s couples therapist is Fiona Wallace? (That’s a reference for the 2 of us who watch Web Therapy) – Celebitchy
Seeing this trashy Santa Claus brawl makes me miss the drunken foolery fiesta that is SantaCon – Drunken Stepfather
In case you needed to be reminded or R. Kelly’s child rape golden shower ways… – The Superficial
Irish model type Rosalind Lipsett does an Irish Christmas Dance, but I thought the Irish Christmas Dance involved doing the drunken wobble and yelling at your relatives until you fall on the tree – Hollywood Tuna
I really hope that in the AbFab movie they go to Australia and wreak havoc with Kath & Kim – OMG Blog
Looking like a dumpster Dollar Tree Heidi Montag and Bruce Springsteen - Reality Tea
Olivia Wilde is hiding a fetus somewhere in that body, right? – Popoholic
Oh, the poor girl probably passed out from boredom. It’s a side effect of a partying at The Biebs’ playhouse – IDLYITW
RiRi is the new infinityhead of Balmain – Jezebel
And three seconds later, Sunny Obama took all those kids out in one swoop – Popsugar
Drunk mess Brandi Glanville loves the sweet nectar too much to go to rehab – ICYDK
25 celebrities who used to be homeless – The Berry
Why hello there, Liev Schreiber’s nipples – Just Jared
Julia Roberts dressed like an off-duty maitre d’ at the August: Osage County premiere in L.A. - I’m Not Obsessed
Brooklyn Decker’s right nipple, here it is – Moe Jackson
If you got 7 minutes in your day and really want to see a couple get engaged with help from Aaron Paul, here you go, BITCH. But really, 7 minutes?! – Videogum
Dude looks like an AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! – SOW
Well, this is equal parts weird and sweet. Colin Farrell told the Ellen show (via USWeekly) that he and Elizabeth Taylor became acquainted after he sent his best wishes to her through her manager when they were both at Cedars Sinai years ago- Colin for the birth of his son, Henry, and Liz for a stent in her heart. Afterward, he says the two were thought twins and sent each other flowers, and he went on to chronicle the relationship between the two that followed.
A week later, Farrell asked if he could visit her. “I asked Danica, and she made some calls, and I got to have an audience with her,” he told DeGeneres. “And that was the beginning of a year and a half or two years of what was a really cool [relationship]. It was kind of like the last — it feels like in my head, not hers, I’m projecting — but the last kind of romantic relationship I had. Which was never consummated.”
Farrell went on to detail their late-night phone calls. “It was really cool, and she wasn’t much of a sleeper at night, like I’m not, so at two o’clock in the morning, I’d call her,” he said. “I’d call her at two in the morning, and the nurse would answer the phone, and I’d say, ‘Is she awake?’…And then I’d be on the phone and I’d hear, ‘Hello?’ And I’d go, ‘How’s it going?’ And we’d talk for a half an hour, an hour, into the wee hours.”
“She was a spectacular, spectacular woman. I wanted to be [husband] number eight, but we ran out of road.”
Wait, what? Is that how it works? We can call relationship dibs on whoever we have the most poignant phone conversations with? If that’s the case, the annoying telemarking company with the blaring cruise ship horn will need to put a motherfucking ring on it because our romantic tango of them calling and me screaming, “Fuck off!” is as poignant as it gets.
Before you all start throwing tomatoes at my ass, I know Colin meant that the connection he and Liz built over two years was deep and beautiful (and as touching as this Craigslist ad). It’s sad he never got to be Liz’s Love Potion Number 9 at the altar. Colin’s lasting love for Liz is also a great motivator for staying on the wagon, lest he finds himself drunk and high on Lindsay Lohan’s doorstep, begging her to put on her bootleg Lifetime Liz wig so he can get a taste of how life could have been in another time and place.
Lesson of the day: Fucking with a Detroit pussy will probably earn you a bed in the ER.
A woman from Melvin, Michigan, which is about 90 minutes from Detroit, was attacked and taken down by a stray cat who kept messing with her mom’s dog. The woman tells MyFox Detroit that she took in the cat and named him Buddy after some shit stain was planning to shoot him dead. In the video above, she claims that Buddy growled at her mom’s dog and was about to attack that ho, so she shooed him away by kicking snow at his face. Well, she learned that sometimes when you kick snow in an angry pussy’s face, that pussy will retaliate and FINISH YOU. In that video, Buddy is playing the part of Beyonce’s latest album and that woman is playing the part of everybody else’s album.
Buddy tried to scalp the woman and she ended up in the hospital. She got an infection that caused her face to swell to the size of Kanye’s ego. There’s a pic of her war torn face at MyFox. Officials later picked Buddy up and tested him for rabies. He came back negative.
I love how that dog is like “WTF” and then looks for the nearest exit because it know it’s next. The Knockout Game is spreading to the animal world and the Sharkeisha of Michigan pussies has been found. Everybody beware.
File this under: Joan Rivers is about to take off her “good face” and put on her “fighting face” before going after Jennifer Lawrence. Again.
Hollywood’s sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence dried up all the plastic in Joan Rivers’ face last month when she trashed Fashion Police and said that the show is teaching young women to call each other ugly and fat. Jennifer Lawrence is still going on about that shit. During her interview with Barbara Walters for that “Most Fascinating People of 2012” special, she said that calling people fat should be censored from TV like curse words are. Here we go……
“Because why is humiliating people funny? I get it, and, and I do it too, we all do it. But when I think it comes to the media, the media needs to take responsibility for the effect that it has on our younger generation, on these girls that are watching these television shows, and picking up how to talk and how to be cool. So then all of a sudden being funny is making fun of the girl that’s wearing an ugly dress or making fun of that girl that’s… And the word fat, I just think it should be illegal to call someone fat on TV. I mean, if we’re regulating cigarettes and sex and cuss words, because of the effect they have on our younger generation, why aren’t we regulating things like calling people fat?”
If fat jokes on TV were illegal, 99% of TV shows would be shut down by the government and the only TV show we’d be able to watch is Antiques Roadshow, although Mark L. Walberg does always look like he’s on the verge of making a fat joke. But really, Jennifer Lawrence would be thrown into a jail cell too, because she’s called herself “fat for Hollywood“ during one of her many interviews where she goes on about how she’s never going to lose weight for a role and is never going to diet and blah blah blah. But since everybody’s always slobbering all over Jennifer Lawrence’s ass, it’s only a matter of time before she becomes President and calling anyone fat on TV becomes illegal. So I need to go and check my one and only 15-second-long TV appearance to see if I called anyone a fat bitch in it. I’m back and I have a question, does “nasty big-boned cunt” count?
And what really should be illegal is that haircut on that head. Come at me, Future President JLaw!
And you’re probably spreading absorbent powder over the puddle of barf you yacked up after staring at that screen shot of them looking like brother and sister in an Olan Mills photo shoot. But back to their love…
Katy Perry and John Mayer dropped a spoonful of awkwardness into everyone’s coffee cup this morning when they did an interview with GMA to promote their music video for their duet “Who Do You Love” The video is like the easy listening, Santa Fe gift shop, Knott’s Berry Farm version of Bound 2. John, Katy and a bunch of other couples ride a mechanical bull together. I guess it’s a metaphor for relationships. You know, there’s ups, there’s downs and if you regularly fuck John Mayer bareback, you’ll end up with chafed coochie lips and crotch sores that need to be treated with topical ointment. Just like mechanical bull riding!
Before they debuted the video where Katy Perry is dressed like an early 70s kindergarten teacher turned cult ingenue, they did a really awkward interview. I’ve had job interviews that were less awkward than this.
And if you thought John’s Game of Thrones necklace from the SkyMall catalog is douchey, here he is arriving at GMA in a jacket made entirely of road kill (aka a piece of clothing that represents the future of his and Katy’s relationship).
Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.
Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes,
Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!
And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.
And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!
Yesterday, Shia LaDouche, the ingrown hair turned cyst on humanity’s nutsack, squirted out a short film he directed and wrote called HowardCantour.com on the Internet and almost immediately people started saying the same thing they say whenever Lady CaCa shits something new out: “You know, bitch, I’ve seen this before.” Shia’s movie was screened at Cannes in 2012, but he made it available to public eyes for the first time by putting it on Vimeo yesterday. Many noticed that Shia’s short film blatantly ripped off lines of dialogue and visuals from Justin M. Damiano, a 2007 comic written and drawn by famous graphic novelist Daniel Clowes. Shia doesn’t mention Clowes’ name anywhere in the credits, so he pulled a first degree Lohan by shamelessly thieving a ho. Daniel Clowes told Buzzfeed (via Vulture) yesterday that he’s never met Shia LaDouche (his nostrils would never forget that stench) and he was surprised that someone would blatantly take his work to FedEx Office, copy it and pass it off as his own.
“The first I ever heard of the film was this morning when someone sent me a link. I’ve never spoken to or met Mr. LaBeouf. I’ve never even seen one of his films that I can recall — and I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw that he took the script and even many of the visuals from a very personal story I did six or seven years ago and passed it off as his own work. I actually can’t imagine what was going through his mind.”
In an interview with the Chicago Tribune about his copy + paste job last year, LaDouche’s girlfriend at the time, Karolyn Pho, said that he’s a huge Clowes fan, so Shia knew Clowes’ work well.
After LaDouche got called out for his dumb bitch antics, his short film was taken off of Vimeo (you can still watch it here) and he started tweeting out an apology. Before he jumped on Twatter, Shia nervously sat there with gouda-scented sweat secreting out of the dirt holes in his face and he wondered what to write. So he Googled, “Apologize for plagiarizing: how to do it?” and up came a 4-year-old answer from Lili on Yahoo! Answers. Yes, this dumb bitch copied an answer from Yahoo! Answers. Here’s Shia’s apology:
Copying isn’t particularly creative work. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work. In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation. Im embarrassed that I failed to credit @danielclowes for his original graphic novella Justin M. Damiano, which served as my inspiration. I was truly moved by his piece of work & I knew that it would make a poignant & relevant short. I apologize to all who assumed I wrote it. I deeply regret the manner in which these events have unfolded and want @danielclowes to know that I have a great respect for his work.
And here’s “Lili’s” answer to the question “Why did Picasso say ‘good artists copy but great artists steal’?”
Merely copying isn’t particularly creative work, though it’s useful as training and practice. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work, and it may even revolutionalize the “stolen” concept.
This is hilarious. Shia can’t even plagiarize an apology from Yahoo! Answers right. I really hope that Shia apologizes to “Lili” by tweeting the lyrics to Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.” An hour after Shia shat up that apology, he tweeted this:
I fucked up.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) December 17, 2013
SHIA STRIKES AGAIN! Get my lawyer, because that’s what I say every time I hit the “publish” button on one of my posts.
None of this is surprising since Shia has a history of snatching shit. Shia plagiarized his apology email to Alec Baldwin, he stole his look from a hitchhiking hobo grifter, he stole his neck beard styling from Madonna’s sascrotch and he stole his personality from a burned off pussy wart. Shia LaDouche’s “command” button can’t stop and won’t stop!