“I won’t be coming in today, because I prolapsed last night and have to spend my day trying to shove everything back up in there” is the line that thousands of office managers heard on their voicemails this morning from the Cumberbitches who watched their amphibian alien sex god on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.
On JKL last night, Benedict Cumberbatch (that’s my favorite thing to order at brunch!) put the cum in Cumberbatch and gave all of his fangirls a Cumberboner when he did a dramatic reading of R. Kelly’s “Genius.” If R. Kelly’s lyrics are blood and Cumberbatch’s voice is a peen, then together they created a rock hard boner that fucked everybody’s ear holes. If you’re not a bareback slut when it comes to ear sex, put a condom over your speakers before pressing play.
And if Bendydick Cumsinbatches is the R. Kelly of fancy British movie actors (“I’d let him cumberpiss on me.” – some sucio Cumberslut), then who is the Lady CaCa of fancy British movie actresses? Let’s just say it’s Helena Bonham Carter, because my ears really need a cover of “Do What U Want” by her and this distinguished lizard martian.
A couple of weeks ago, Kris Jenner dusted off her signature move, polished up another one of her turds (sorry, kturds) and flung it at a high-profile musician hoping it would stick in the form of setting Kendall up with One Direction’s Harry Styles. UK tabloids report that Harry has already packed it up and hightailed it the fuck out of Jentrashian shitstorm and is now dating Gavin Rossdale’s spawn Daisy Lowe.
Kris is supposedly pissed that Daisy fucked up her Kim/Kanye 2.0 plan and stole Harry away. If Daisy is smart, she’ll become fast friends with Leah Remini to get some tips on how to handle the wrath of religious zealots knowing that the High Priestess of The Church of Latter Day Taints is going to come for her ass. Nobody fucks with Kris Jenner or her ilk without doing it on camera for publicity, especially since ratings for their show are down. The last thing Daisy will see before her coffin slides shut is Kris’s face, who will be so pissed her face will ALMOST move.
If it wasn’t against the fame whore way, I’d guess Kendall is in a basement somewhere trading stories with Solange Knowles about failing the family, but this is PMK we’re talking about. Kris probably just dragged Kendall to their lip injection doctor as punishment, then smacked her upside the head and threw her out of the car at The Grove and told her not to come home until she had at least two dozen pap shots in the bank.
Here are some pics of One Direction at the airport after flying in for an SNL appearance. I can’t figure out if the guy hanging all over Zayne is helping him walk because he’s drunk or high or if the guy is just angling for an unsolicited piggy back ride. Fangirls come in all shapes and sizes!
Soon-Yi finally found a way to keep Woody off of her. She bought two more for her daughters just in case. – Bruinschick
They’re always rubbing their little pricks against me, I just wanted to return the favor. – Kizzy
You can achieve this same reaction by simply being Pete Doherty. – ANightWriter
I’m snorting crushed up Claritin just thinking about this shit. In the mid-90s when The Gap was the king of the mall (Side note: But not my king. The Gap was still too expensive for me. The king of my mall was the 10 t-shirts for $10 store) they put out a line of scents with hippy ass names. Gap Scents had names like Grass, Dream, OM, Heaven, Day and Earth. I think I just typed out the names of Alicia Silverstone’s future children. I remember OM and Grass being the most popular. OM smelled like tea and Grass smelled like, duh, freshly cut grass. That mess drove people nuts. It was the Forklift Foot to their gnats. They couldn’t get enough of it and wanted to eat all of it with their nostrils.
Nearly half of the girls in my school wore Grass and they treated that crap like it was the other (read: better) kind of grass in a bottle. They acted like it was liquid weed in a bottle and spraying it on their tongue would give them a quick high. (Note to self: The next time I come in contact with a vintage bottle of Gap Grass, spray it on my tongue to see if it gives me a quick high.)
Gap discontinued Grass a while ago, but if the 90s hasn’t left your being and you need a fix, you can get one on eBay. Or you can just follow the gardener trucks around and every time they finish cutting someone’s lawn, just get naked and roll around on it. You’d smell like a bottle of Gap Grass (with a hint of dog shit).
Margaret Cho (45)
Little Richard (81)
Ross Bagley (25)
Frankie Muniz (28)
Lauren London (29)
Keri Hilson (31)
Jessica Pare (33)
Nick Stahl (34)
Amy Acker (37)
Paula Patton (38)
Shalom Harlow (40)
Kali Rocha (42)
Lisa Marie (45)
Gary Allan (46)
Amanda Lepore (46)
John Rzeznik (48)
Brian Backer (57)
Morgan Brittany (62)
Jim Messina (66)
Jose Carreras (67)
Joan Didion (79)
(Pic via Carolina Style)
Masterpiece artist and the savior to the gay community James Franco jizzed up two pictures on Facebook and called them both “50 Shades of Batman and Robin.” The first one is pretty tame. I mean, that’s probably what James wears around the house all the time. The second one is NSFW (unless you work as a janitor in the DC Comics bath house) and is after the cut. It will make you jizz up a warm load of questions marks. Jizz being the key word.
If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.
No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.
Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!
There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.
(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)
Some say that the Christmas season doesn’t officially start until someone gets stabbed while fighting over a $100 DVD at Walmart on Thanksgiving night. But I’ve always felt that the Christmas season doesn’t really begin until three pairs of Spanx on Mimi’s body are screaming for mercy as she yodels out high notes during some tree lighting somewhere. The festivities (read: getting drunk on peppermint schnapps and switching your regular lube to egg nog-scented) leading up to Baby Jesus’ born day can really begin now that Mimi has sung out “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (what fucking else?) while wrapped in a bedazzled Spandex cocoon at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting.
Those singing children are braver than me, because there’s no way I’d stand that close to Mimi. There’s a 99% chance those pairs of Spanx and that three-sizes-too-small dress will let go and let God, and rip apart sending rhinestones and pieces of Spandex flying everywhere. One of those flying rhinestones could blind a kid. But thankfully that didn’t happen and if it did, I’m sure they’ll edit it out of the final broadcast so it won’t ruin your holiday. Happy Mimimas!
That jealous bitch Sunny Obama took out a little white girl at a White House holiday party after that little girl showed up with almost the same hairdo as her. But that little girl gets the game point, because she didn’t even let go of her handbag. – Jezebel
The GOOP-ing of Jay-Z: He and Beyonce are going vegan for 22 days. So that means no oats for the Arabian horses she gets her weave hair from - Lainey Gossip
Cover up that FUPA, you fatties! – The Berry
Orlando Bloom and Liv Tyler might be bumping elven genitals – Celebitchy
Conan found the one good thing about the Kartrashian Khristmas Kard – The Superficial
I think Chestica Simpson’s chichis ate her neck – Drunken Stepfather
Some writer at a Moscow tabloid says that Vladimir Putin is more like Vladimir Puto – Towleroad
Hayden Panatroll might not have brought her titty cleavage but she did bring grandma’s favorite placemat and wore it on her torso - Hollywood Tuna
The placemat that Hayden Panatroll is wearing will go great with the napkins and tablecloth that’s on Christina Ricci’s body – Popoholic
If a 1994 prom dress from Contempo Casuals and the rug section of a JCPenney mated… – IDLYITW
And now for something to kick you in the soul: Paul Walker died from a combination of traumatic and thermal injuries and Roger Rodas died from multiple traumatic injuries – ICYDK
I’d rather drink Giggy’s piss than drink Lisa Vanderpump’s sangria – Reality Tea
Lady CaCa’s Mona Lisa poncho looks like a blanket you could buy from the back of a van in the parking lot of a Home Goods – Moe Jackson
Duchess Kate and Prince William go out for a casual dinner at Olive Garden – Popsugar
But that picture of a topless Cindy Crawford and a tired dog……. – Just Jared
The Dancing with the Stars producers are smoking, snorting, injecting and butt chugging the wrong stuff again – Pajiba
It’s nice to see that The Grudge girl is getting work in commercials now – Videogum
Martin Bashir resigns from MSNBC after saying that someone needs to caca in Sarah Palin’s mouth – SOW
IN THIS ECONOMY: Keira Knightley recycled her wedding dress – I’m Not Obsessed
RIP the moist towelette industry. Because now that the style icon of our time and Queen of the Oscars Sally Kirkland has stepped in front of the cameras with a dirty mouth covered with the battle splatters she got during a delicious fight with an Arby-Q, everyone’s going to proudly walk around like they just ate out Jessica Simpson. Moist towelettes, floss and mouthwash are over. It’s all about the barbecue sauce mouth. Munch on that BBQ, ignore that stack of napkins and let yourself be glamorous.
At last night’s star-studded (see: Sally, Lorenzo Lamas, Finola Hughes, Tom Arnold and Penelope Ann Miller) screening of American Hustle in L.A., Sally Kirkland showed everyone that she’s so confident with her beauty that she didn’t even check her shit in a mirror after going crazy on some roast beef in the car ride over. Who cares if a bunch of dogs and Rob Kardashian tried to lick the horsey sauce drool off of the side of her mouth. There’s a price to being a beauty vanguard. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe she just doesn’t give a fuck.
And on another note, Sally Kirkland is the only natural blonde (yes, bitch, I said NATURAL) who can work a side ponytail better than Stephanie Tanner.