Britney Spears came out to Planet Hollywood in Vegas last night looking good- the hair is on point, the tits look reeled in and there’s no sign of Cheeto dust anywhere- all major plusses!
Billboard says the event was to kick off Britney’s Vegas show starting December 27 and tickets will go from $59 to $229 in a nightclub-ish theatre that will thankfully have bottle service. I know there are some ride or die Britney fans out there, but for $200, I’d better be plastered enough to try and hump the gay guy next to me during “Womanizer” and end the night singing “Oops, I Did It Again” better than Brit ever has between heaves in the ladies room toilet. I might just be bitter because any attempts at nailing her choreography over the years has looked way less “I’m A Slave 4 U” and way more like this.
Here are pics of Britney looking like someone sent Lenny Kravitz in character from The Hunger Games to give her the Katniss Everdeen treatment. It looks like a definite upgrade from one of their previous meetings where Brit wore an outfit made from the curtains of a gentleman’s club Champagne Room and Lenny dressed up as the magic carpet from Aladdin.
Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.
Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.
Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.
“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”
Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:
“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”
The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.
Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:
“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”
The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:
He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”
Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”
That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.
Dear staff at the receiving anger management rehab center: hide yo chairs, pad yo walls and hope that Chris Brown has learned something in group therapy because the old, ragey asshole Chris will lose his shit over Frank Ocean’s cousin suing him for over $3 million.
TMZ says that Sha’Keir Duarte has filed papers in his lawsuit against Chris, asking for millions in damages stemming from a fight between Fist, Frank and their respective groups of hangers on and bodyguards. The breakdown is $1 million for pain, suffering and inconvenience, $1 million for emotional distress, $1 million for punitive damages and $60k for medical expenses. Chris had already countersued Duarte, falling back on the super-mature argument of toddlers everywhere- “he started it!“.
$60,000 in medical bills?? What kind of fight are we talking here because unless they all took lessons from the queen of the motherfucking throw down, that sounds a bit excessive. Maybe a hospital stay was required after Sha’Keir exhausted himself circling around Chris’s posse for twenty minutes before anybody even threw a punch. Straight thuggin’.
If we’re just going to throw lawsuits at Chris for pain and suffering, I’d like to sue him for a millions just for the emotional distress resulting from going to six fucking weddings where the bride and groom insisted on doing the “Forever” entrance, unless he wants to settle it the old fashioned way. He’d better watch his back, because Chris wouldn’t stand a chance against my sweet windmill arm moves and my expert sparring training. COME AT ME, BREEZY!
“Not since Donatella Versace had her ass spray tanned have people experienced so much risk to paint something brown. – jazzfish_77
I’m not sure if they are Darwinning or Darlosing. – Lefty
As a follow up to their Bound 2 spoof, James Franco and Seth
Rogen will now do an artistic interpretation of the demise of Kanye’s career. - Gina Latina
One fart, and he’s a dead man. – Miss Julie
The camera-stealing, selfie-taking eagle of Western Australia!
The Wildlife and Park rangers in Kimberley, Australia set up a motion-sensor camera at a gorge on the Margaret River last May, because they wanted to get footage of fresh-water crocodiles being fresh-water crocodiles and shit. The camera went missing shortly after they set it up and they figured that Lindsay Lohan just happened to be vacationing in the area. But a few weeks later, the rangers got a call from other rangers who told them their camera was found 110 kilometers from where they set that shit up. When they got the camera back and watched some of the footage they learned that a sticky talons, thieving motherfucker of an eagle snatched up their camera and later used it to take video selfies of itself. That attention whore eagle must’ve deleted all the footage it took of its throbbing cloaca, because the only thing on the camera were flying shots and shots of it pecking the lens. The rangers aren’t pressing charges against that thief and they think it’s kind of amazing. Ranger Roneil Skeen told said this to ABC:
“It was pretty amazing because it’s one of the first camera traps to ever get picked up. They’ve had camera traps moved [by animals] before, but not taken off, like a flying camera you know? It was pretty cool so we were pretty shocked.”
Now if we can only get that thieving, selfie-taking eagle to come to California and steal some of the cameras here. I’d much rather see eagle selfies than see selfies of Miley, LiLo, the Kartrashians, etc… etc… Speaking of Miley, while doing research for this HIGHLY IMPORTANT nature story, I Googled for pictures of eagle cloacas and found (warning: this is probably NSFW if you’re a bird) this picture of an ostrich cloaca. It’s the long-lost twin of Miley’s tongue!
Tyra Banks (40)
Lauren London (29)
Nikki Tyler (41)
Kevin Sussman (43)
Fred Armisen (47)
Marisa Tomei (49)
Chelsea Noble (49)
Cassandra Wilson (58)
Gary Rossington (62)
Patricia Wettig (62)
Jeff Bridges (64)
Gemma Jones (71)
Wink Martindale (79)
PETA better sharpen their shank, because some other charity called Fishlove is copying their game by using naked celebrities to spread their cause or something. Fishlove is trying to raise awareness for overfishing and obviously when you want to raise awareness for overfishing you drape dead creatures of the sea around naked famous hos including Gillian Anderson. I really don’t know what’s going on here, but I do know that eel wants nothing to do with this scene.
Fishlove sounds like the name of some illegal ass, dark-sided fetish that’ll get you banned from every aquarium and will make your friends hide their goldfish when you come over. (Side note: Fishlove also sounds like the name for a group of fans who appreciate Joanna Krupa’s vagine.) This is like Japanese anime porn come to life.
Somebody get Misty Day to bring Jacques Cousteau back to life so that he can slap down all the hos involved in this mess. Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, because if he came back to life and saw this, he might get the weirdest boner.
And there’s a look from a girl who’s trying to ignore the voice in her head that’s screaming, “RUUUUN, BITCH, RUUUUUUUN!”
At the Los Angeles premiere of The Best Man Holiday on November 5th, noted lady beater and human yeast infection Terrence Howard showed up with a girl who looks younger than some of hit nut hairs. Radar says that the girl’s name is Miranda and after dating him for about a month, she became his fourth wife. At first I didn’t really believe this, but she does have a face full of regrets like every Mrs. Howard does. Totally married! A source tells Radar that Terrence, being the chewed-on anus scab that he is, called up his ex-wife Michelle Ghent and bragged out bagging another wife.
“Terrence called up Michelle to tell her about the marriage and taunt her about it. She needs to cut him off for good.”
If you’re a 911 operator in the L.A. area, you better learn the name Miranda Howard, because I have a feeling she’s going to call every time Baby Wipes goes crazy, which will be every other minute. Where are this girl’s friends and family?! Friends and family don’t let you marry Terrence Howard! If I was her friend, I’d sneak into her bedroom, get into her dirty laundry and smear caca all over her panties. Then I’d anonymously call Terrence and tell him that his new wife is a sloppy shitter and barely uses toilet paper let alone baby wipes. It’s for her own good. Terry would immediately get the heaves, throw up his arms, scream like a little girl and run far, far away. A shitty, dirty ass is never a good thing unless you’re married to Terrence Howard, because it’s his Kryptonite.
(Pic via Getty)
Just a day after Tom Daley declared in a video that he happens to be dating a human who’s got a peen, E! News says that the peen he’s humping on belongs to Dustin Lance Black who won an Oscar for writing the screenplay for Milk. Cut to Taylor Lautner throwing a bitchy “enjoy my seconds, twink” look at Tom Daley. And yes, I’ll wait here while you Google those bareback pics of DLB from a million years ago.
E! doesn’t have any other details other than that, but a source tells the The Sun (via NYDN) that Tom and Dustin don’t really care that there’s 20 years between their asses. Tom is 19 and DLB is 39. The source spit this out:
“He’s besotted with Dustin. They love each other and aren’t concerned what anyone says about age difference.”
Last month, Queerty posted pictures of Twinky Tom and DLB getting coffee together in Hollywood.
These two don’t really make sense to me at all, but I’m not going to judge (yes, I think that’s a first). The heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes the heart wants to pound rapidly while getting fucked by a 19-year-old British diver with abs you could break your teefs on. And yes, I just called Tom the top. What a world, what a world!
Oh boy. Normally I would be the first in line to make fun of Vin Diesel (there is so goddamned much to pick from, it’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet. If The Chronicles of Riddick is your starter salad, then The Pacifier is two trips to the waffle bar) but I cannot make fun of Vin Diesel this week. I can’t, because I know there will be a very special management position waiting for me at the Crocs factory in Hell if I do.
Paul Walker passed away on November 30th, and since then we’ve heard from his Fast and the Furious co-stars Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, and finally Vin Diesel let us know how he was holding up. Vin spent most of yesterday publicly mourning Paul Walker’s death, first via a Facebook message, then later appearing at the crash site to make a statement of thanks to the crowd. Vin’s voice is a little muffled in the video because he’s speaking through a police megaphone (why didn’t the cops bring him a karaoke machine to sing into instead? Missed opportunities) but The Huffington Post has transcribed what was said:
“If my brother were here right now and saw all the love that you’re bringing here,” he said. “‘If he could see for himself that all of you have showed up to show my brother love at this hard time, and that his family gets to see all of you show the love that you’ve shown Paul … It’s gonna stay with me forever. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for coming down here and showing that angel up in heaven how much you appreciated him.”
There’s still a lot we don’t know about the cause of Paul Walker’s death; some reports are saying that the Porsche he was riding in malfunctioned, that they were driving too fast, and that the car shouldn’t have been driven. Either way, an autopsy is currently underway to determine the cause of death (I have no formal coroner’s training, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the cause of death was “fire”).
So basically, to sum it all up, everyone involved with the Fast and the Furious franchise is having a shit week and we should send good thoughts and jpegs of sleeping kittens their way.