After everyone and their dog called out Kim’s transparent attempt at charity (donating a measly 10% from the sales of her old, useless shit to the Philippines. OMG SUCH SAINT) Kim needed a way to vent her frustration and anger. Since Khloe was already taking her turn using Rob’s stomach as a punching bag, she did the next best thing. She wrote an angry letter!
Kim took to her website to defend herself against internet meanie-moes who criticize her
publicity grabs selfless acts of kindness. That’s us, you guys!! The next rounds on me!
“The problem comes in when I get attacked for giving and trying to help people. My dad always taught me the importance of giving back. I don’t publicize everything I do to help charities and people all over the world. I do it because I want to. I do it because my dad taught me to. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. So for people to attack me for giving 10% of my eBay auction sales to the people of the Philippines, that hurts.
I do eBay auctions monthly and change the charity or church from time to time. I give 10% of all my earnings to charities, not just these eBay auctions. This month it’s for the people of the Philippines, last month was Life Change Community Church.
In regards to these eBay auctions, when the eBay numbers get broken down, the auction management agency that posts for me gets a percentage for all of their hard work, then eBay listing fees, end of auction fees, eBay Store fees, Paypal fees, etc., all add up to about half of the sale. Then I give 10% to a charity.”
You can read the whole thing here, but why would you want to? Driving traffic to a Kardashian-owned website makes baby Jesus cry.
Alright, let me get this straight. So according to Kim, here’s the breakdown:
10% to the Philippines
50% divided amongst the following: the person who collects her clothes, the person who irons the ass-creases out of the skirts, the person who Febreze’s the urine smell out of her 2007-era bikinis, the people who list the items to eBay, sell them, mail them out, collect money, etc etc. I’d say that each person is taking away about 2% of each sale.
40% to Kim
Yep, seems about right! Glad you cleared that all up Kim. I mean, the number should really be somewhere in the 0% range if you had a damn conscience, but I guess it’s difficult to see that when your vision is impaired by the cartoon dollar-signs that are always bugging out of your eyes (she has her mother’s eyes).
(Pic via Splash)
On Access Hollywood tonight, Demi Lovato (seen above looking like Chola Smurf) says that her addiction to Lohan powder got so serious that she used to smuggle baggies of it onto the plane and suck it up her nostril in the bathroom while everyone was sleeping. Because I know this is the only thing you’re wondering, Demi doesn’t say if she smuggled the bad shit in a condom shoved up her chocha or b-hole, or if she went the bold bitch route by smuggling it in a pocket on her bra. I know you can never count on those brain dead robots at Access Hollywood to ask the questions we really want the answers to. Demi said this about her serious cokey days:
“Something I’ve never talked about before, but with my drug use I could hide it to where I would sneak drugs. I couldn’t go without 30 minutes to an hour without cocaine and I would bring it on airplanes. I would smuggle it basically and just wait until everyone in first class would go to sleep and I would do it right there. I’d sneak to the bathroom and I’d do it. That’s how difficult it got and that was even with somebody [with me], I had a sober companion, somebody who was watching me 24/7 and living with me [and] I was able to hide it from them as well.”
Demi goes on talk about when she realized she hit the rock bottom of rock bottom:
“I was going to the airport and I had a Sprite bottle just filled with vodka and it was just nine in the morning and I was throwing up in the car and this was just to get on a plane to go back to LA to the sober living house that I was staying at. I had all the help in the world, but I didn’t want it. When I hit that moment I was like, it’s no longer fun when you’re doing it alone. I’ve really never talked about this stuff before. I don’t know if I should be sharing this. I think at 19 years old, I had a moment where I was like, ‘Oh my God… that is alcoholic behavior. [It’s] no longer, I’m young and rebellious and out having fun, it was, wow, I’m one of those people…I gotta get my shit together.’”
Okay, it’s pretty obvious that the people around Demi at the time were either suffering from a serious case of denial or had wet Styrofoam peanuts for brains. How could they not know that something in the Sprite bottle was BOOOZE? I mean, what kind of weirdo freak drinks Sprite at 9 in the morning? If you drink Red Bull in the morning, you’re gross, but okay. If you drink Coke in the morning, you’re trashy, but I get it. But Sprite?! Nobody drinks Sprite in the morning. It doesn’t even have caffeine! Never ever trust someone who’s drinking Sprite for breakfast.
There’s a special corner banquette at the BJ’s in heaven for people who throw a “Guuuuurrrl, what are you doing?” side-eye so we don’t have to.
Last night in L.A., Taylor Lautner and his newest partner in easy publicity, Marie Avgeropoulos, held hands while going to the Jay-Z concert at the Staples Center. Taylor and Marie started dating after
Taylor Swift refused to re-negotiate with him and their people made them sign a long-term contract meeting meeting on the set of Tracers, which comes out next year. That beard looks good on Taylor and so does that facial hair. But really, work that bulge, get that publicity and make your former suppertime buddy Dustin Lane Black seeeethe with jealousy, Taylor!
The perfume that Brit Brit keeps singing about must be made of 98% chloroform, because this video is visual Ambien. That topless piece Brit Brit’s singing on was obviously drugged into a temporary coma and she looks like she’s on the verge of going mimi times, because she just ate a lunch of orange chicken from Panda Express and a Crunchtada from Del Taco. The video’s pretty basic. Our Lady of Cheetos and some hot model type hang around in some empty motel in Barstow and roam the streets looking for a fix or some shit. Then the video switches to shots of Brit Brit singing in a truck all alone while her piece hangs around in that same empty motel with some home wrecking, brown-haired slut.
I stuck two crunchy Cheetos under my eyelids and watched the entire thing. After watching it, I wasn’t sure who the side piece was: that hussy tramp Cindy or Brit Brit? And then I realized that I should probably re-enter preschool, because I’m not clear on the plot points of a fucking Britney Spears video. That’s like needing the Cliff Notes for a Dick and Jane book. When a Brit Brit video is too complex for you to understand, it’s time to excuse yourself to go and eat glue at the round table.
And the director of this video, Joseph Khan, said on Twitter that the video was supposed to be more complex, but Team Brit Brit forced him to tame it:
The DC is a minute longer and there's a very shocking ending. But not what you think. I call it BREAKING BADNEY.
— Joseph Kahn (@JosephKahn) December 10, 2013
Breaking Badney? I’m taking that to mean that Brit Brit and that whore Cindy are rival drugs lords and the dude is a dealer who switches sides. So Brit Brit kills both of them in a motel room, uses one of her stank perfumes to hide the scent of their murder, throws their bodies in the trunk of a car, puts on her pink wig and drives off into the desert with London in the passenger seat. The end.
If you really aren’t looking forward to laying your eyeballs on Ben Affleck in Batman drag in that Superman Vs. Batman movie, then your ass may be in luck, because he probably won’t get that much screen time since Zack Snyder is stuffing a million and one superhos into that shit. The Hollywood Reporter says that Jason Momoa, Lisa Bonet’s piece and the dude who was in Conan, Game of Thrones, North Shore and gay soft-core porn Baywatch Nights, is in talks for a role in the Justice League movie that’s pretending to be a Superman movie.
THR says that Warner Bros and DC Entertainment are trying to keep shit under wraps, so it’s not known who Jason is in talks to play. There’s rumors that Doomsday will be the main villain, so Jason could be up for that crap. A source tells THR that if Warner Bros. is trying to fill that movie with as many Justice League members as possible, Jason could play Martian Manhunter.
So, so far that Superman Vs. Batman movie’s got Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman in it, and it may add Martian Manhunter. Since Zack Snyder is stuffing that slow-moving train wreck with all of the DC Comic characters, can he please answer my gay prayers and make Selena the witch (as played by Faye Dunaway) from Supergirl the main villain?
I see what Zack Snyder’s doing, though. He knows that movie is going to be a shit roll stuffed with farts, so he’s trying to distract us with pretty things. That is a good move, because it’s easy to ignore a giant turd if Martian Manhunter’s peen is dangling in front of it.
On last night’s episode of The Real Plastic Trash of Beverly Hills, they all went to Palm Springs together and sadly the desert sun didn’t melt all the silicone in their bodies and turn them into a giant puddle of fillers, polyester weave tracks, fake eyelashes, lead-based paint and desperation. The desert sun did us all wrong by not melting all of them while it had the chance! While they were all lounging around the pool, the STAR of Siberia and two-time Miss Puerto Rico, Joyce Giraud, refused to get into the pool even after Brandi Glanville kept begging her to. Finally, Joyce admitted that she can’t swim, which made drunk ass Brandi say, “You’re a black person.” That would’ve been the perfect time for the sun to turn up the heat and melt all those hos, but it didn’t….
After Brandi called Joyce a black person for not being able to swim, Kyle’s face went HUH?, Lisa Vanderpump asked a bitch to clarify, Joyce got mad and Kim Richards was oblivious to all of it, because her mind was busy squeezing grapefruits in a grapefruit tree orchard. The skanky humanized Carlo Rossi jug went on to say that none of her black friends can swim and they don’t like to get their weaves wet. Brandi said this while a tragic fall of man-made hair clung to the back of her head. Bitch always has the most busted weave situation. Bitch’s weave looks like it was made from the wet piles of shed Barbie hair found in Brit Brit’s shower drain.
During the episode, Brandi got a whole lot of hate tweets thrown at her melting rubber face, so she called into WWHL to burp out a non-apology and say that it was just a joke! I don’t know how “you’re a black person” is a punchline, but in Brandi’s dilapidated coke sponge of a mind it is. Brandi shit this out to Andy Cohen:
“I know what I said was definitely inappropriate, but I say a lot of inappropriate things. I’m not racist, I’m just inappropriate 90 percent of the time! It definitely was not sensitive and I apologize to anyone I offended. But to be honest with you, my friends and I joke with each other this way and they’re from all different backgrounds. So I’m sorry and I guess TV’s not ready for the real Brandi, but should I censor myself? Is that gonna be exciting?
I think it was definitely inappropriate. I’m the least racist person of all time. I think the more you defend it, the more you look guilty, so I don’t really have to say that much more. I am very sorry with whomever I defended. Defended. Offended!”
I’m kind of surprised Brandi didn’t say, “I am not a racist. I once sucked off a black guy in a bathroom stall at Bootsy Bellows.”
And everyone CALL OFF THE SEARCH! The least racist person of all time has been found! Guinness Book of World Records, get that bitch a plaque. I’m sure that sometime in the future the GOP will tweet: Today we remember Brandi Glanville’s bold stand and her role in ending racism.
Brandi was a boozed up wreck during most of the episode and kept calling Joyce “Jacqueline,” because to her Joyce isn’t a Latina name and Joyce doesn’t look like a Joyce since most Joyces are fat pigs. If you burn your brain cells by watching both RHoBH and RHoA, then Brandi’s rant against the name Joyce probably made you think of the crazed ball of post-menopausal anger that is Mama Joyce from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Bravo should skip the RHoBH and RHoA reunions this season and just put Brandi Glanville and Mama Joyce in a room together. Take off your wedges and take it away, Mama Joyce!
Bravo can even turn it into a pay-per-view special. I better start making room on my maxed out credit card for this.
(GIF via Tumblr)
All the pieces of peanut butter toast I ended up eating every time I wandered away from my laptop shaking my damn head at those Johnny Depp pictures are coming in handy. They’re soaking up the bile that wants to come up after seeing this Liz Taylor-inspired selfie Kim Kardashian posted on her Instagram.
Every damn thing in that picture is a cheap knockoff! The Lee press-on nails. The ring that looks like it’s from the “Bitch, You Ain’t Foolin’ NOBODY With That CZ” Collection from Claire’s. The eyelashes that I’m pretty sure were harvested from the split end trimmings of Bruce’s ponytail. If Macs came with a scratch ‘n sniff screen, there’s no doubt in my mind that the smell wafting from it would either be the generic White Diamonds from Walgreens or the scent of the Scrubbing Bubbles gel Kim dabs behind her ears.
When Lindsay Lohan wakes up after a long night of Bible study and keeping her nose clean, she’s going to take one look at Kim’s picture and go apeshit. Lifetime had better up their prop room security and keep a weather eye out for a freckled shadow trying to break in and snatch the wig from the Liz & Dick Rubbermaid tote. Lindsay’s gonna have to stop posting holiday self lies and turn her WERK IT up to “high” if she’s going to fail to upstage Kim failing to upstage Liz.
So Johnny Depp was photographed in London on the set of Mortdecai looking like a mash up of Kevin Kline in Soapdish and Gary Oldman’s Commissioner Gordon and I don’t know how I feel about it. Normally Johnny goes straight to the “would fuck” column with very few exceptions (same goes for Kevin and Gary). He can keep Willy Wonka, who was one blur filter and a sassy collar hold away from being a pin-up for Glamorshots, and his creepy ass Frodo Baggins version of the Mad Hatter but otherwise, I thought he could get it anytime.
I already had enough fucking problems with my tears freezing this morning because my pansy assed, native Californian self can’t take this “four degrees with a fifteen below windchill” stuff. These pictures of Johnny in his Motel 6 bedspread shorty shorts and sock suspenders made my vagina cry and thanks to this bullshit weather, I’m pretty much an automatic ice dispenser from the waist down. It’s a sad day when not even the pics of him rolling around on the ground with another dude can turn my frozen tundra into a sunny lanai.
Call me when Johnny starts wearing forty-seven bracelets and six scarves again and his hair doesn’t look like it was harvested from a Cabbage Patch Cornsilk doll. When hot hobo Johnny is back, if you hear about the arrest of a 35 year old Midwest housewife who tried to tackle him while pointing at her crotch and screaming, “THERE SHOULD BE A CAPTAIN IN THERE SOMEWHERE!”, please have bail money ready.
I guess the only question left to ask is: would you hit it??
Previously on Orange is the New Lucite… – Staxcellence
This is what you get when porn stars start a landscaping business: all hoes, no green. - Who Datt
Lindsay Lohan hires her remaining fans to help look for the remnants of her career. – parissucksliterally