No, of course that’s not White Oprah. If it was White Oprah, she’d be bent over and one dude would be snorting a line of k (she’s vintage like that) off of one ass cheek while another dude did a Thunderbird vodka shot off of the other ass cheek. It’s really Nana Lohan. No, it’s not Nana Lohan. Nana Lohan only wears thongs. She has the body for it. It’s Lindsay Lohan!
The original Oprah’s adopted child went down to Miami, because it’s Art Basel time and the coke is falling from the skies so her nostrils grew wings and flew her there. But really, even though LiLo’s naan bread ass looks like it’s frowning at me, at least she hasn’t broken a bottle over anybody’s head or run over a toddler with her rental car yet. So there’s that. And hopefully bitch leaves Miami soon, because all the barely legal Florida white dudes whose parents handcuffed them to the water heater in the garage to keep them away from her ass are starting to lose circulation in their wrists.
Have you ever sat around eating McDonalds or Burger King and started stoner-philosophizing about why you can’t supersize your 6-piece nugget combo to include jungle juice and weed? Of course you have! It’s America’s favorite pastime. Well, for all of you praying for the day you can get drugs in a happy meal (you can in Florida; everything comes with your choice of meth or meth) get to Georgia, because you might get lucky next time you make a burger run.
According to TMZ, 32-year-old Amy Seiber is your god today, because she was fired from her job at Wendy’s after a customer called 911 to complain that she had found a half-smoked blunt in her cheeseburger:
According to police, Seiber said she had been smoking pot on the job and conveniently “misplaced” the blunt inside the customer’s burger. The blunt was taken as evidence and Seiber was arrested for possession of marijuana.
We spoke to the lucky customer, who tells us she experienced food poisoning-type symptoms after the incident and had to be hospitalized.
So far, she says Wendy’s has offered to help pay for her medical bills … and has even generously thrown in a $50 gift certificate. Like she’ll ever eat at Wendy’s ever again.
A rep for Wendy’s tells TMZ, “Obviously the employee broke the rules and did not follow proper food handling steps. We are deeply sorry that this incident occurred.” The rep says the franchisee is working out a favorable solution with the customer, including paying her medical bills.
You got food poisioning-like symptoms? DRAMATIC. Guess what, dum-dum, everybody gets food poisioning-like symptoms from Wendy’s; has anyone ever eaten 2 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries dipped in a Frosty and not thought “Why all of a sudden do I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to make peace with my god?”
The only thing missing from this story is Her Royal Highness Princess Cheeseburger Flip-flop of Atlanta. If Florida is the reigning state of meth n’ bath salts stories, then Georgia is the undefeated king of the fucked-up cheeseburger stories. Stay classy, Southern States.
And here’s Amy Seiber’s mugshot, which also doubles as the headshot she can bring to her Orange Is The New Black audition (her character’s prison name can be Cheeseblazer):
(Pics via TMZ)
That Nelson Mandela/MLK Jr. mix-up tweet from Wonky McValtrex that’s been making the rounds is a hoax. It’s obvious it’s a fake, because bitch doesn’t know who Nelson Mandela was and she probably thinks Jiminy Cricket is the one who gave the “I Have A Dream” speech – Buzzfeed
Colin Firth, I still would, but his parched bangs need a touch of some VO5 – Lainey Gossip
Dear Madge, please get away from Sean Penn and put Baby Brahim on one of those toddler leashes – Celebitchy
Chelsea Handler is the Jennifer Jason Leigh to Jennifer Aniston’s Bridget Fonda - The Berry
Kim Zolciak tweets a picture of her post-baby body and claims she’s a size 4 now. I don’t even think that wig on her head wears a size 4… - Reality Tea
Sorry, we’re all out of CGI until next year, because The Amazing Spider-Man 2 used it all – IDLYITW
If this was real, I’d buy a lifetime supply of Abreva and move back to NYC – Towleroad
Chaz Bono looks like shit with black hair – The Superficial
Jocelyn Wildenstein looks like shit with black hair – Popsugar
I want to hang this picture of Rose McGowan’s puppy biting at her tit in my bathroom – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
FYI: This is what shows up at your front door when you call the celebrity look-alike agency and tell them you want a Kim Kartrashian impersonator but you’ve only got two quarters and a half empty bottle of Boones to spend – Hollywood Tuna
Carol Channing wore it better – Popoholic
Another positive effect of the good shit: smoking it will give me a pair of my very own magnificent chichis – Jezebel
If you’re out of Ambien and need a sleep aid, here’s Lana Del Rey’s 30-minute-long short movie – OMG Blog
What in the Hell kind of GD outfit is Juliette Binoche wearing? – The Frisky
Jordan Catalano and Shailene Woodley walked together the other day - Just Jared
Jimmy Fallon gets some Dick’s – SOW
In case you’re wondering why the Mushroom Queen of Thousand Oaks has guards around her driveway, Amanda Bynes is out of rehab – ICYDK
The worst thing you could ever call someone is a “Fifty Shades of Grey star.” That’s really cold – I’m Not Obsessed
People says that after 7 years of being married to each other, Keri Russell and her husband Shane Deary decided they don’t want to be married to each other anymore. Somewhere, my tia who was seriously into Felicity and felt personally attacked when Keri took a Flowbee to her luscious mane of curls is saying, “Good, that’s what that pendeja gets for cutting her hair a million years ago.” Keri’s rep told People that they’ve been broken up for a few months:
“They have been separated since early summer. The separation is amicable and their focus is on their children.”
Keri and Shane have a 6-year-old son named River and an almost 2-year-old daughter named Willa.
Early yesterday morning, the police showed up to Keri’s townhouse in Brooklyn Heights after she reported that someone broke in. Keri was asleep in a bedroom in the basement when she heard some shit going on in her living room upstairs. Keri obviously doesn’t subscribe to my way of thinking (when you hear shit, play dead or run the other way), because she went upstairs to investigate. She found the front door wide open and a necklace, a laptop and a bag were missing. The cops later caught the two thieves and Keri got her stuff back.
When I read about Keri breaking up with her husband, the first thing I thought about was the break-in. Are we sure the cops got the right two dudes? Are we sure Keri’s estranged husband didn’t break in to mess with shit and/or steal important documents from the office? Get on this, Maureen Maher! Yes, I watch way too much 48 Hours.
As I was in the middle of typing that headline, Brian Williams popped up on my TV to tell me that Nelson Mandela has taken the long walk up to heaven. So who cares about the stupid dress and the stupid necklace and the stupid grey hairs that Duchess Kate wore to the premiere of Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom in London tonight. Yes, she was at the Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom premiere, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about this outfit again when everybody reports on what she was wearing when she found out the news while watching the movie.
I’m not the one (“You said it” – you) to write an obit about Nelson Mandela’s life and his impact on humanity, so you can read a good one here.
I have a theory: If you took Lindsay Lohan and put her in the machine from David Cronenberg’s The Fly for 25 years with 12 Denny’s Lumberjack Slams, a carton of Marlboro Reds, a handful of quaaludes, and a laserdisc copy of Battlefield Earth, you’d get Kirstie Alley. Think about it.
Kirstie Alley (aka Future Lindsay Lohan) was on Howard Stern’s radio show yesterday to promote her new television show Kirstie (the logo of which looks like it was created in an alternate-reality where Britney Spears is a graphic designer) and, like it does every time you talk to a Scientologist, the conversation ran a red light and sped onto the L. Ron Memorial Freeway. Howard was only throwing softball questions at Kirstie, so he didn’t ask her about Shelly Miscavige (ie. Where she at, boo?) but he did bring up ex-Scientolo’ho and Kirstie’s former BFFTXDUP (best friends forever till Xenu do us part) Leah Remini:
Howard Stern: “No one cares that she’s left Scientology. Are you upset with her that she’s being so fucking vocal and critical about it? Or you don’t care?”
Rebecca from Cheers: “First of all, I just want everyone to know that I have hundreds of friends who have come into Scientology and left Scientology. You’re not shunned, you’re not chased. All that stuff’s bullishit. However, when you are generalizing and when your goal is to malign and to say things about an entire group, when you decide to blanket statement that Scientology is evil, you are my enemy.”
She also said that she stopped following Leah on Twitter. Oooh, did you hear that? Alert the authorities, SHOTS FIRED!
The interview is way too long (you could watch 3 episodes of Unwrapped instead. And you should; there is so much to learn about Tootsie Pop Drops) so here is the TL:DR version:
- Kirstie first got interested in Scientology after she saw Porsches outside the Scientology building (always a good reason to join a
scary cultrespected religion)
- She read Dianetics while snorting a Kirstie Alley-sized mountain of coke
- There is a comparison made between anti-Semitism and anti-Scientology. Kanye… is that you??
- Kirstie fell in love with John Travolta on the set of Look Who’s Talking and they used to – wait for it – “sit around, doing skits” together. I’m imagining every skit involved putting on black bouffant wigs and re-creating the end scene from Mermaids (John: “I call Cher!!!“)
She also answers questions about being fat, plastic surgery, pills, girl-on-girl and masturbation (NO HOWARD, NEVER) all the while sounding like she’s finishing her 4th Flying Gorilla at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh Kirstie, never fucking change.
Here’s more of Kirstie in New York invested in enough Spanx to keep them high on the NASDAQ till the world ends:
Dear Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence and all the other actresses who think they have a shot at the Best Actress Oscar in 2015, use your campaign money to buy a cup of the sweet nectar to drown your sorrows in, because the category is closed and no submissions will be accepted. The 2014 Oscars haven’t even happened yet, but the Academy is already engraving Spaz de la Huerta’s name on a 2015 Best Actress trophy after seeing her riveting, game-changing and ALIVE performance in the trailer for Nurse 3D. Not since Lumiere in Beauty in the Beast has a melting candle delivered such powerful emotion onscreen. I don’t know if Nurse 3D is actually in 3D or if they’re referring to Spaz’s multi-dimensional performance which jumps out of the screen, holds you down and leaves Vaseline skid marks all over your face.
Nurse 3D is like Single White Female meets Fatal Attraction meets Basic Instinct meets Sophie’s Choice (I’m referring to Spaz’s luminous and emotion-stirring performance which critics will compare to Meryl’s). In Nurse 3D, Spaz plays a greasy wax mannequin who comes to life (I made that part up, I think), becomes a nurse and stalks her bland blonde co-worker played by Katrina Bowden. Somewhere in there, Nurse Spaz also seduces cheating men and murders them. It also stars Kathleen Turner, Judd Nelson and that kid from High School Musical and Dancing with the No Stars. I don’t think I’m being at all crazy or ridiculous when I say that this is going to be the greatest movie that ever happened!
Here’s the future Oscar winner looking like the bloated, oily calla lily she is while leaving a store with her man in L.A. the other night. Her man is totally a poet by day and a 1970s serial killer by night.
Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black have both kept their mouth lips shut about whether or not they’re boning each other, but Tom did talk about his new boyfriend on an episode of Jonathan Ross Show (via E!) airing in the UK on Saturday. I thank the fuck that I was too lazy at 19 to keep a journal, because the shit that I wrote would’ve been a million times cheesier than the words that spilled out of this hairless muscle otter’s mouth while talking about meeting his new love. Tom said that when he first saw his future piece at a party, he didn’t know he was gay and immediately started squirting out hearts from his eyes.
“I’d never felt like anything like it before. We were at a party and I hadn’t even spoken to him all night. I didn’t know what to do or if he was gay at first. I typed ‘call me’ in his notes with a smiley face on this phone and the next day he texted. He makes me feel safe and happy. Right now I couldn’t be happier. I’d never felt the feeling of love. It happened so quickly. I was completely overwhelmed by it to the point I can’t get him out of my head all the time. I’ve never had it before where I love someone and they love me just as much.”
Oh, 19. Or if your name is Taylor Swift, oh, every age. Speaking of Taylor Swift, she just ripped a page out of the Poochie notebook she writes her lyrics in, because what Tom said there is exactly what she wrote down as the lyrics to her next song. Even that part about not knowing if he was gay at first, because even Taylor Swift knows she’s a closet gay magnet.
Tom went on to say that when he goes to the labels section at Staples and browses through all the “Hello, I Am Gay,” “Hello, I Am Straight” and “Hello, I Am Bi” labels, he doesn’t pick up any of them, because he doesn’t believe in labels! But he does believe in love and he said more vommy words of love about his man.
“He saved me from not wanting to dive anymore. After the Olympics I was down in the dumps, as it’s such a hard way to get back into everything, but he gave me the extra motivation and made me work harder and that is exactly what I need. It was a terrifying decision to make, I didn’t know what the reaction was going to be like, I didn’t know how it was going to go but I felt I needed to say something. I wanted to say something in my own words and from the heart, I didn’t know what else to do.”
Tom Daley was totally over diving until Dustin Lance Black put the champion spirit back in his heart by spreading those ass cheeks and calling him the greatest diver who ever lived as he dove his peen into that b-hole. (Yes, I just called Tom Daley a top again. What is going on with me?!) Some people have serious thoughts about this. They think that because DLB is 39 and Tom is 19, DLB is nothing but a chickenhawk in Justin Bieber 2010 hair who is going to toss Tom Daley into a pile of de-creamed twinks as soon as that kid grows his second pube. I say second because the first one could be a one-off. And those same people are scared that DLB is going to suck out Tom’s innocence. Whatever. I mean, isn’t doing older dudes at 19 all part of life? Who at 19 didn’t troll hotel bars looking for older men to take you up to their room and let you pick out any booze of bottle you wanted from the minibar? Anybody? Anybody? Oh shit, just me then.
Here’s Tom going to dinner with his friends in London last night.
I never thought the day would come when Miley Cyrus’s Twitter feed would school my ass on romance. Here I thought it was all about flowers and jewelry and long walks on the beach where I spend the entire time bitching about the wind and how shitty my hair looks and begging to go back to my natural habitat (anywhere inside). It looks I’ve spent the last 14 years whining about the wrong shit and missed the memo announcing true love has taken flight in the form of the most beauteous fashion statement of all time- the Canadian tuxedo!
Love for denim on denim must run through Miley’s veins. Billy Ray was saucing the panties back in his mullet days with some bulge, a little bit of titty fur and a lot of jean. Now we know how Daddy Cyrus ended up with so many kids (the answer to the mystery of who foaled Trace may lie in this picture here).
Even though Miley’s tweet could easily replace The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate as the go-to resource for how to have a successful relationship, it might just be her way of letting Liam Hemsworth know what he has to do to get back in her good graces. USWeekly says the two have been “flirty” texting (Miley: Ooh, baby, I wanna ride your wrecking balls- GROSS!) and that Liam wants to reconcile. If he had any sense, he wouldn’t be too quick to race back to a life where he’ll spend the rest of his days dressed like a bunkassed redneck wedding cake topper.