I was going to put money on Lindsay Lohan being found in a seedy motel at the age of 95 when her time came, surrounded by cigarette butts and with so much coke on her face it looks like Johnny Knoxville high-fived it, but if Paris Hilton gets her way, Lindsay will be found with a stiletto in her back the size of a Greenpeace boat much sooner. Last night, Paris’s brother Barron posted a pic of his busted face following the beat down allegedly orchestrated by Lindsay and possibly carried out by a dude named Ray Lemoine. Paris posted a comment vowing payback.
Oooh, nobody fucks with a Hilton! (“We wish”- The Center For Disease Control, Herpes Division.) Normally, I wouldn’t side with Paris on anything, but if she can get some form of punishment to stick to Lindsay’s Teflon-coated no-ass, I’d at least acknowledge that she was able to succeed where the California justice system has failed 937 times.
While Paris lounges in Miami with Brandon Davis, flipping through her 2005 “Bitches Who Had My Back” scrapbook for allies, Lindsay posted a picture of herself on Instagram using the hashtags “#honestfunandfriends” and “(good people) and no more bad folk” but deleted it within half an hour. Bitch should go on the road and do stand up talking about that shit because she wouldn’t know honesty if it showed her the money beforehand!
Corgi on a Carousel! Corgi on a Carousel! Corgi on a Carousel!
The sweet nectar gods took mercy on my body and didn’t strike me down with a hangover this morning, so I was able to watch all 4 and a half minutes of this HIGHLY TALENTED Corgi named Meatball running around on a backyard merry-go-round without getting the dizzies and barfing up the pank wine I guzzled down last night. (Yes, I said pink wine. I drank like a refined Sarasota, FL retiree last night.)
We can all relate to this shit, because aren’t we all just a stubby-legged Corgi barking like crazy while running around the endless circle known as life?
THE QUEEN’s ladies-in-waiting have been given the day off and have told the rest of the staff to not knock on her bedchamber door, because this is her porn and she needs some quality alone time with it.
Ian Somerhalder (35)
AnnaSophia Robb (20)
Kate Voegele (27)
Nicki Minaj (29)
Chrisette Michele (31)
Elsa Benítez (36)
Dominic Monaghan (37)
Nick Zinner (39)
Tyler Mane (47)
Sinead O’Connor (47)
Teri Hatcher (49)
Ann Coulter (52)
Phil Collen (56)
Deborra-Lee Furness (58)
Kim Basinger (60)
Rick Baker (63)
Nancy Meyers (64)
Gregg Allman (66)
John Rubenstein (67)
Graciela Daniele (74)
James Galway (74)
As long as Rebecca Black is on the YouTube stroll, no day of the week is safe. Two years after Patrice Wilson sucked the youth of her, Rebecca Black has a new song called “Saturday” and it’s kind of like a sober version of “We Can’t Stop.” I once went to a party thrown by a bunch of straight edges and no booze or drugs were allowed. That party was a billion times more exciting and scandalous than the party going on in this mess of a video. The good news is that “Saturday” isn’t burning the walls of my ears and burrowing itself into my brain the same way “Friday” did. The bad news is that Rebecca Black will probably fart out 5 more songs. I’m guessing that for “Sunday” she’ll sing about going to church and brunch at IHOP and Kanye (aka our own Yeezus) will rap on it. But what I want to know is which day does she take a vow of silence?
And why did the black guy have to get arrested at the end? If the cops wanted to arrest a black guy they should’ve arrested Patrice Wilson for starting all of this.
MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION (Please circle only one) In this picture, Lady Gaga stepped out in London looking like:
B. She found this costume in a Lucasfilm studios dumpster under Jar Jar Binks
C. She’s hustling Artpop like the rent is due tomorrow
D. All of the above
My say something nice of the day is this: her makeup looks really good. No shade, it’s flawless. Now if you’l excuse me, giving Gaga a genuine compliment has made enough bile rise in my throat to burn out my trachea, so I’m off to the hospital.
I wish I could say that was that and call it a day, but there are 24-hours in a day (which means 24 costume changes and 24 calls to the paparazzi) so I’m bringing you not one, but two Gaga “HI, I’M STILL HERE!!!” looks. This fringed bedazzled-donut mess is business casual compared to what she wore in London last night:
Kid 2: ”You got your Glimmer from She-Ra on my Elton John Louis XIV costume!”
Kid 1: ”Let’s just carelessly embrace our mistake and sell it to Lady Gaga as ART.”
But I’ve always wanted to know what Gaga’s costumes look like up-close; I bet you can see tons of staples and craft glue. What I’m saying is, they look like fucking daycare craft projects.
(Pics via Splash)
You know what they say: It’s not the Holiday season till a bitch calls a bitch out! According to Hollywood Life, there were tons of sound fuck-ups at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball last night that made it pretty evident to Ariana Grande that some people (cough – Selena Gomez - cough) were neither singing hard nor hardly singing:
A Jingle Ball eyewitness tells HollywoodLife.com that Ariana experienced many of the same sound issues that caused Selena to be caught lip-syncing. However, because Ariana wasn’t lip-syncing, the audio issues only emphasized that, instead of causing another embarrassing display. “Ariana killed it and she had bronchitis,” the eyewitness says, adding that she sang 75 percent of her first song without the proper audio.
Ariana then shockingly threw salt in Selena’s wound, by telling the audience, “At least you know I wasn’t singing to a track.”
The comment could be seen as just a throwaway line. But considering the buzz Selena’s lip-syncing got, the fact that Ariana is good friends with Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, and the fact that the two singers are technically rivals, it feels like Ariana’s remark had a very specific target.
Of course, she took to Twitter and denied denied denied. Ugh. Just once, I’d love to see a tweet that’s like:
@ArianaGrande: Yeah, I SAID IT. Bitch was treating that mic like a damn hairbrush #truth
I know Ariana is new to the game, so I’ll forgive her for not knowing that these holiday radio concerts are basically Drag Race; you put on your best wig, glue down dem brows, tuck whatever you need to tuck, and lip-synch for your liiiiiiiife. Hell, if you stick around long enough, performing turns into the Snatch Game; forget about singing, all you need to do is look like the person you’re supposed to be (“Britney, we need to change your weave. It’s not Britney-y enough”).
Here’s more of Ariana Grande Caramel Macchiato performing at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball, and Selena looking like Dora the Addams Family Explorer. My first instinct was to say that it looks like she’s auditioning for an Eve Ensler biopic, but that joke doesn’t work because I don’t think Selena has ever said the word ‘vagina’.
Last night, Carrie Underwood let all of us hating cunts know that we need the assistance of her designated driver and she’s praying for our dark, mean, shitty souls. Pray for me, Carrie! But I hope Carrie prays more convincingly than she did on The Sound of Music Live! or else my dark soul is fucked to hell. Carrie is right, though. Meanies hating on her performance are worse than the Nazis! Hating on Carrie Underwood is one of the worst sins you can commit. It says that in the B-sides of the Bible. I think it’s 0 BiteMe F:U-2.
And I do need Jesus, but his secretary tells me it’s going to be a while before he gets to me since he’s busy watching Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music to wash Carrie’s Maria from his mind.
The Grammy nominations were announced last night and it might be safe for you to watch that shit show in January without attacking the TV with a tongue scraper every time Miley Cyrus pops up on the screen, because she might not be there since she didn’t get not a one nomination. Katy Perry was nominated for her cover of Sara Barillapasta’s (it’s Saturday, don’t make me Google for the correct spelling of her name) “Brave,” Sara Barillapasta was nominated for the original version of “Roar” and Illuminati kingpin and temporary vegan Jay-Z led the nominations with 9. Miley’s album “
Finger Bangerz” was released after the cut-off date, but “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” both came out before the cut-off date. Bitch got snubbed!
As the nominations were announced live during that stupid ass Grammy Nominations Concert last night, Miley ruined Christmas for the children when she gave them a ho ho ho show at KISS FM’s Jingle Ball in L.A. My thoughts and prayers are with the parents whose youngins were there last night and are now singing, “I saw Miley butt fucking Santa Claus.” I don’t know if Miley is passing her butt critters to Bad Santa or Bad Santa’s passing his reindeer fleas to Miley or a little of both. For some of us, looking at these pictures are about as pleasant as watching a drunken hobo in a Santa hat jerk his candy cane off while lying against a wall on the Bowery (Correction: I’ve actually seen that on the subway before and it was more pleasant than these pictures), but these are pretty wholesome in the Cyrus world. If you Photoshopped Billy Ray’s face over that Bad Santa’s face and replaced that drankin’ bag with a jug of moonshine, these would look exactly like pictures out of the Cyrus family holiday album.
And back to the Grammys… Justin Timberlake may be the outcast of Hollywood, but he’s still the Homecoming Queen of the Grammys. Justin got 7 nominations as did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar. Lorde got a bunch of noms, but ho didn’t make it into the Best New Artist category. You can see all of the nominations here, but you should really read them while crouching under a steady surface, because once Kanye finds out that he was locked out of some of the major categories, his throbbing ego will explode and the earth will shake. Also, La Vampy didn’t get one nomination! We must RAGE!
Two topless German bros who videobombed a live news report about Hurricane Xavier!
Not to be outdone by the drunken, topless bros of Atlantic City who danced a jig on CNN during Hurricane Sandy, two German pieces crashed a local news report and risked being blown into the goddamn water by giving viewers a man nipple show. This was sent to me under the subject, “Naked German Dudes Dancing On The News,” so I waited and waited and waited and waited to see some crotch wurst blowing in the wind, but after the lube dried I realized I wasn’t getting any and put my panties back on. Hurricane Xavier’s back-up dancers kept it PG and the only local law they broke was dancing Gangnam Style in public after 2012. Actually, that’s an international law.
And HSOTD honorable mention goes to the raccoon ass that reporter is using as a mic.
Aaron Carter (26)
Jasmine Villegas (20)
Nicholas Hoult (24)
Emily Browning (25)
Angel Carter (26)
Jennifer Carpenter (34)
Sara Bareilles (34)
Shiri Appleby (35)
Nicole Appleton (39)
Terrell Owens (40)
Damien Rice (40)
C. Thomas Howell (47)
Jeffrey Wright (48)
Edd Hall (55)
Larry Bird (57)
Priscilla Barnes (58)
Tom Waits (64)
Ellen Burstyn (81)
Eli Wallach (98)
(Pic via Instagram)