A look of terrified fear covers Santa Claus face as January Jones actually lets out a smile. No good come from January Jones smiling. – The Superficial
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux really went out for a little staged photo-op, because we all know she’s probably got an entire Christmas tree farm on her estate – Lainey Gossip
If the cops find a petite brunette who had the blood and life sucked out of her, there’s no need to call the detective since she’s probably the chick Brad Pitt supposedly “canoodled” with – Celebitchy
Sarah Harding looks different in the face - Drunken Stepfather
Lady CaCa wants to boycott the Winter Olympics – Towleroad
Wait, so you mean to tell me that woman on the right isn’t Pimp Mama Kris? – Reality Tea
Oh look, here’s Malin Akerman’s ass – Hollywood Tuna
Shock and Dismay: A lying lie-telling liar lied a lot of lies – Jezebel
Why am I getting Hayden Panatroll in Nashville vibes from Jamie Lynn Spears? – IDLYITW
“Uh, girl, why haven’t you had that grey touched up?” is probably what Idris Elba is saying to Duchess Kate – Pajiba
Kelly Clarkson is probably barfing right now – HuffPo
The Von Trapp family might be the only people on earth who aren’t sick of Anne Hathaway - ICYDK
Nicole ScherMINGER is either cold as shit or she has to piss – Popoholic
Happy Panty Creamer Friday – The Berry
For why are the paparazzi taking pictures of random hobos on the street? Oh wait, it’s just Sienna Miller, RPattz and Tom Sturridge – Popsugar
While watching Daft Punk’s new video, I kept waiting for Kim Cattrall to pop up as her Mannequin character – OMG Blog
Home Alone with pugs. The end. – Popbytes
Eh, I do the same thing when you put a treat in front of my mouth while I’m passed out – Videogum
Blame Scandal’s episode reduction on Kerry Washington’s fetus – Just Jared
Radar says that 57-year-old Toy Toy made her business partner/longtime friend Jeffre Phillips her second husband in L.A. today. If you’re a conman murderer, now is the time to do some bad shit, because Detective La Toya is currently off the clock since she’s busy celebrating her new marriage. La Toya’s mother Katherine Jackson and Prince Michael I were both at the wedding. And I’m going to choose to believe that Blanket was the flower boy, because it would be a serious crime if he wasn’t.
I’ve seen oJeffre on La Toya’s reality show and his intricately plucked eyebrows make my lashes tingle and his pucker makes my prostate twitch. Jeffre Phillips (typing that name made me squirt out a drop of hummingbird juice) is the perfect husband for Detective La Toya, because he’ll help her to elevate her eyebrow situation and he’ll hold her hand tight as they get his and hers anal bleaching.
Congrats to Detective La Toya and her glitter-glazed husband friend.
You’re probably saying to me, “Bitch, must be a slow news LIFE if you’re posting about Paz de la Huerta twice in two days.” It’s actually the opposite of that, thankyouverymuch. New pictures of Spaz de la Huerta are always TOP STORY BREAKING NEWS material and they’re extra special, because the paparazzi have to work hard to get them since she’s a reclusive artist of Greta Garbo proportions who shuns the spotlight and only comes out to accept awards…..or to go to parties with an open bar. (Yes, it’s a slow day.)
Here’s the mantequilla beauty going to Chateau Marmont with a camera-shy friend last night. Spaz always looks like she’s been through some serious shit. She looks like she just spent the past 48 hours giving birth to 16 pound triplets in a wet sauna while detoxing from a heroin addiction. But even though it looks her face is going through something, her lipstick game stays stellar. That’s how a true beauty does it.
File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.
TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.
Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.
Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.
If they ever need someone to play Janice’s older, WASP-y, botox-obsessed sister in the next Muppets movie…
According to E! Online, GOOP-approved fitness gerbil (she looks like she spends 99.9% of her time running on a wheel at Petco) Tracy Anderson pulled out her Dictionary of Hyperbole during her interview with Refinery29 as she labeled our recent obsession with juicing ‘the worst thing that ever became commercialized‘. Worse than Pajama Jeans? YES WORSE THAN PAJAMA JEANS:
And that was just her intro. She went on to say: “If you’re going to drink a non-organic green juice, you might as well eat a Twinkie. Or a half a Twinkie, at least,” she said. “There’s like 80 calories in it, there’s a bunch of chemicals in it, what’s the point? The only benefit [to juice] is that it’s pre-digested and the Twinkie’s not.”
But it’s the juices long term effects that she finds to be the real problem: “They crash people’s metabolic rate,” she shares, adding: “Now, the F.D.A. says they have to be pasteurized. So, you’re drinking, basically, water that’s going to give you Type 2 diabetes, potentially,” she says.
In addition to comparing the veggie drinks to packaged dessert, she said that she is no longer is a fan of the raw vegan diet, mainly because it interfered with her reproductive system. “I wouldn’t have my daughter [if I were still on the raw diet]. I lost my period for seven months because I went raw.”
Two things she does approve of? A purely organic meal plan and daily exercise.
Please. More like What does Gwyneth approve of. [Ring ring] “Hi Tracy, It’s Gwyneth. We’re not into juicing or raw diets anymore, okay? I’ll let you know what we’re into after I come down from my ‘neutering Vanity Fair‘ high.”
I’m with Tracy, but not for the reasons you may think. I did a juice cleanse one time and it was – pardon my french – fucking bullshit. Everything I drank looked like it came from the prop room of You Can’t Do That On Television and my legs felt like feathers. Also, you know when you’re able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you’re like “whoah, that’s definitely from me”? Juicing gives you that feeling all the time because it gives you OLD PEOPLE BREATH. So yes, I’d rather eat a Twinkie; it makes life less of a living nightmare.
(Pic via Wenn)
The Andy Warhol of Instagram James Franco has followed up his BatFacial portrait with an even more artistic and Whitney-worthy photo of him throwing up the shaka sign (or maybe he’s doing the “one in the pink, one in the stink” gesture?) during a topless bathroom selfie. James gave his Instagram followers a hairy nips and love handles supreme special today and threw up this note with it:
#Almostnude – YOu ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT it. Tryna work that body, tryin’, tryin’.
An almost nude? That’s like an almost orgasm or an almost Double Double (which I guess is just a regular cheeseburger and people do order that, but I judge them for it). Where is the full nude? I know there’s a giant dick in that picture, but where’s the dick on that dick? I need to stop. True artists need time to stroke out their greatest masterpiece. So stroke on, Franco.
And I just read that last paragraph to myself. I should’ve just written, “I AM HARD UP,” and called it a day.
First she came for Madonna,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Madonna.
Then she came for Boy George,
and I didn’t speak out because I’m not Boy George.
Then she came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.
- Max Headroom, 2014 (ooooh, poem from the future! So spooky!)
Lady Gaga stepped out of a London hotel yesterday looking like (deep breath) a Culture Club fever-dream took a dump on an abandoned Limited Too store after ripping through every season of VH1′s I Love The 80s in the back of a MAC break room that has yet to have its gas leak fixed. What? Exactly. As long as she chooses to leave the house looking like an incoherent mess, then I’ll keep writing like an incoherent mess. It’s called tough love.
So here’s the breakdown: Gaga is wearing Hailee Steinfeld’s hat from True Grit, a shirt with a bunch of Picasso faces saying “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”, and makeup that looks like when you’re a kid and you beg your sister or brother to let you do their makeup, and you try really hard for the first 5 minutes, but then you think “Why the fuck haven’t I given them Misfits blush and a hitler moustache?” Also I think I see a penis (on the shirt, guys, on the shirt. But yes, Gaga does look like a fucking dickhead).
And Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters, Mac Tonight, Snorks, and the cartoon mechanics from A-ha’s Take On Me video need to call up Erin Brockovitch and prep a class action lawsuit against Lady Gaga, because it’s only a matter of time before this stunt queen runs out of real people to steal from and starts ripping off non-reals. We’re closer than you think to a music video where she runs through a fucking animated newspaper comic strip in circle glasses and a giant moon-mask with a tube coming out of her head. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the 80s?!?
(Pics via Splash)
A day before his born day on December 4th, Jay-Z announced to the world that he and Beyonce are going completely vegan for 22 days, because they want to cleanse themselves spiritually and physically. Haha. No, they’re telling everyone they’re going vegan for 22 days, because it’s trendy and they’re craving their favorite protein of all: attention.
I guess Blue Ivy Carter’s creators aren’t totally hugging all of the vegan lifestyle, because Beyonce showed up to vegan restaurant Cafe Gratitude in L.A. in a pepperoni pizza ensemble. So some vegan’s sitting there eating his tempeh and wet leaves sandwich when Beyonce strolls in with cooked cow coins all over her body. She looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Tumblr background. Okay, her outfit wasn’t that serious and I’m sure nobody was offended, because nobody was in the restaurant since Jay-Z’s bodyguards probably kicked all those grass eaters out of there!
So her pepperoni pizza ensemble wasn’t that bad, but what she wore to a vegan restaurant the next day definitely made everybody in there roll their eyes to the left… to the left (I hate myself for typing that too). Beyonce ate at Native Foods in Westwood while wearing a Christopher Kane wool-blend parka with a fox fur collar. The Daily Mail has pictures of that foolery. Wearing real fur to a vegan restaurant… That’s the corner where Dumb Fuck and Tacky Mess meet. But in Beyonce’s defense, I’m sure that dead animal on her shoulders ate a plant-based diet while it was alive.
I can’t wait to see what she’s going to wear to a vegan restaurant today. I’m going to go with a beef jerky bikini and a lion carcass cape. No, too much. Beyonce’s going to keep it demure by painting her naked body with pig’s blood. She’s going minimalist today!
In the battle between Vanity Fair and Goopy Paltrow, Goopy Paltrow has won. That’s what Radar says anyway. The whitest and most pretentious war started when Vanity Fair wanted to do a cover story on Goopy and she shat on that offer, partly because she was on a 344-day diamond water and kumquat seed cleanse at the time, but mostly because she thinks the magazine is “off brand” for her. When VF made it clear they were going to do the story with or without her cooperation, she took out her 60 carat green diamond drop earrings (aka her daytime earrings), smeared rare Argan oil on her face, stuck Wusthof razors in her hair and declared war. Bitch was ready to fight.
Goopy supposedly told all of her friends to not talk to VF about her, and if they really wanted to be a VIP member of TEAM GOOP, they’d erase VF from their lives altogether. George Clooney sat in the bleachers on Goopy’s side of the auditorium and Julia Roberts sat on Vanity Fair’s side. LINES WERE DRAWN! Vanity Fair turned it up and started sniffing Goopy’s crotch for the scent of billionaire dick. The piece was supposed to be a glorious takedown and it was supposed to make Christmas extra special this year. Well, Vanity Fair has turned out to be that deadbeat dad who promises a trunkful of Christmas presents, but on Christmas morning shows up with zero presents, because he spent his entire paycheck on booze and pussy. A source tells Radar that VF’s Goop piece is going to be the opposite of scandalous.
“Whatever they wind up publishing, it’s going to be soft. Gwyneth’s campaign against the Vanity Fair article has apparently worked and she’s not as worried as she was three weeks ago. But the article is still coming out and she still refuses to participate in it.”
That’s our cue to start singing, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All” in unison.
The sad truth is I don’t think VF’s piece was ever going to be “hard.” Reading their piece is going to be like trying to suck a load out of a soft peen. You’re just going to keep reading and reading and reading hoping that something juicy will land on your eyes, but it won’t. You know it, I know it, the soft peen knows it. I mean, it sounds like the most scandalous thing they had on her was that she might’ve passed her poon to some billionaire once. Who cares.
I bet that in the parlor of her London townhouse, Goopy and Graydon Carter are sipping sparkling dolphin tears after toasting to their STUNT QUEEN victory. Vanity Fair got some publicity and Goopy looks like she has the power to scare whores. We’re the ones who really lost. I feel so used and I usually love that feeling.