Nigella Lawson Is A Seasoned Cokehead, So Says The Ex-Husband Who Choked Her Out

November 27, 2013 / Posted by:

Nigella Lawson’s former assistants of ten years are on trial in London for allegedly defrauding her abusive ex-husband Charles Saatchi out of more than £300,000 and using the money to buy all sorts of luxurious crap like purses and fancy vacations. Lawyers for Nigella’s ex-assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, argued that she let them use her husband’s credit cards if they promised not to tell him about how she’s a pill-popping cokehead stoner. “Eh,” said Nigella’s Food Network mate Sandra Lee as she snorted a semi-homemade coke line (made with baked Orajel, rubbing alcohol and codeine) off of a tablescape made of mirrors.

The Telegraph reports that lawyers for the Grillo sisters told the judge that Nigella smoked the good shit and snorted the bad shit daily for more than ten years. The judge allowed the accusations to be used in the sisters’ defense, but told jurors that the trial is about fraud and not about “Higella’s” supposed cokehead ways. Nigella is going to take the stand on Friday and the Grillo sisters’ lawyer will probably ask her what’s really in her Ham and Coca Cola recipe.

In court yesterday, lawyers read an email that Nigella’s dildo bag of an ex-husband sent to her after hearing the Grillo’s claim. Charles Saatchi said in an email to Nigella that he completely believes the sisters and he thinks she okay’d them using his credit cards because she was “off her head” on drugs. Lawyers for the Grillo sisters (Side Note: The Grillo Sisters sounds like a really crappy Food Network show starring two sisters who love to grill) spit this out to the court about Nigella’s secret life as a cokey:

“The bad character application relates to Miss Lawson’s alleged use of both class A and class B drugs and also her unauthorised use of prescribed drugs as a matter which is highly relevant to the defence case. In a nutshell we submit that she had a guilty secret from her husband, her then husband. She did not want him to know of her use of cocaine and that is highly relevant to the defence case. The defendants will maintain that they were fully aware of her illicit drug use and she essentially would consent to their expenditure on the understanding that there would be no disclosure to her husband of her usage.”

Nigella’s lawyers deny that she’s a 10-year veteran of coke snorting and prosecutors say this is obviously just a shameless defense tactic from the Grillo sisters’ lawyers. When the Grillos were busted last year, they never brought up the “hush money” defense and only made the allegations earlier this month.

Let’s say that Nigella was eating plates of coke noodles and maranarajuana sauce daily, that still doesn’t really explain why the Grillo sisters used Charles Sackofshitti’s credit cards to buy crap. I mean, when somebody who’s coked up all the way tells you to do something, you usually do the opposite of that. You listen to them coke-ily ramble on, then you nod while reaching into your pocket to get them a mint since their bref probably smells like warm death coated in anal gland fluid.

Also, if I was married to that piece of shit, I’d be high all the time too. I doubt it will, but if this affects Nigella’s career, she can always move to Toronto and run for mayor. I’d vote for her. Vote 4 Higella!

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