America’s Sweethearts Club: where sweethearts sit around on Ralph Lauren wool blankets wearing their boyfriend’s over-sized Abercrombie hoodies and drink non-fat pumpkin spice lattes (they can get them year-round because they have super-special Starbucks Sweetheart cards). Is there also an America’s Dirtbags Club? Where do Ke$ha and Tara Reid meet to scream at old episodes of Judge Judy on a busted couch and drink vanilla-cinnamon Baileys straight from the bottle? And also are they accepting new members (I’m asking for a friend).
In an interview with MTV, Julia Roberts reminded anyone who forgot that she’s the HBIC as she spoke candidly about our favorite current inductee into the American Sweethearts Club, Jennifer Lawrence:
MTV’s Josh Horowitz mentioned that Lawrence had recently joined the group of America’s sweethearts, to which Roberts pondered, “How many are there of us?”
As to Lawrence herself, Roberts commented, “She shoots flaming arrows. Is this a new cupid tactic?” Horowitz questioned if Roberts wasn’t “voting yes” for Lawrence to join “the club,” prompting Roberts to explain, “My card is expired and I didn’t get a new one.”
Roberts continued, “I think she’s fabulous,” before trailing off, saying, “but she doesn’t seem … she seems cooler than …” Horowitz clarified, “Oh, she’s too cool to be a sweetheart,” to which Roberts added, “Right?”
We’re all familiar with that feeling, Julia. It’s when you’re asked about someone you, to put it frankly, do not care for, but you can’t reply with the truth (“Who gives a shit?“) so you fumble over a bunch of say something nice words and it still comes across as insincere.
But she doesn’t get off that easy; her response still makes her sound like a bitter meanie. Too cool? Come on Julia; the title of America’s Sweetheart isn’t something you need to fight to the death over like you’re in the damn Thunderdome (two men enter, one man leaves!) Just reply “She sure is!” with a fake-ass smile and keep on promoting that Oscar-bait of a film, August: Osage County.
And that’s the most eloquent way I can talk about Julia Roberts. Up top isn’t even what I really wanted to say; my first draft was just this pic repeated 12 times: