Jennifer Love Hewitt Has A New Baby And A New Husband

So that is why I heard the faint sound of what I thought was Jennifer Aniston wailing out the words, “That bitch beat me to iiiiiiiiiiit,” from the West side.

The entire Vajazzle industry has collapsed into a heap of cracked rhinestones and crushed dreams, because Former Forever Aloner and professional fiancee Jennifer Love Hewitt has actually married an actual breathing, living man AND she also pushed out a baby friend today. As the makers of engagement rings silently weeped over losing their #1 customer for a while, JLove’s rep pooted out this statement to UsWeekly about her new daughter:

“Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband Brian Hallisay are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter. Autumn James Hallisay was born on November 26.”

Some source said that JLove and Brian got married on the down low recently. I’m actually surprised we found out about JLove getting married from her publicist, I mean, “a source.” I’m surprised that as soon as JLove and Brian signed that marriage certificate, a swarm of bedazzled locusts didn’t cover the planet and end our misery. As a bedazzled locust poked my eyes out, I’d think to myself, “Oh, I guess this means Jennifer Love Hewitt finally got married. CONGRATS!” That’s how I thought I would find out.

Brian and JLove met on that hand job show The Client List and the story goes that the show was canceled because the producers wanted to write his character off and she wanted to write her pregnancy into the show and make his part bigger. So now they’re married, have a new baby and can spend their days staring at each other’s faces since they’re both job-less for now.

And as for the name Autumn James, it sounds like a cross between the name of a 90s soft-core porn star and the sassy best friend character in a Danielle Steel book. I approve!