Add Crocs to your Steve Buscemi-approved kill list if the company isn’t already on it, because they’re trying to shut down Mario Batali’s special brand of sexy.
According to Eater, Crocs is pissing all over Mario’s love by discontinuing the signature orange Bistro and Bistro Vent clogs he has worn since his wife gave him a pair when he opened his first restaurant. You kind of have to wonder how that moment went down. “Congratulations on all your success! Here are a pair of shoes guaranteed to not get you laid by me or anyone else!” We see you, Mrs. Batali. That’s one way to keep cute hostesses from sniffing around your man, as if every other damn thing Mario visually has to offer wasn’t already a deterrent.
Mario went and bought himself 200 pairs of the discontinued Crocs to hold him over for a while, which proves two things. One, his loyalty to fuckugly footwear is unmatched. Two, I’m just going to go ahead and believe he is that dedicated to making Gwyneth Paltrow cringe when he shows up at her house looking like a toddler whose mom gave up the power struggle over clothes and let him dress himself. She probably waves her hand and says, “Oh, that’s just Mario!” in an Italian accent she has spent hours in front of the mirror practicing before she slips away to leave her assistant a note asking her to Google the temperature at which hideous rubber footwear burns.
200 pairs of shoes may sound excessive, but Mario doesn’t fuck around with things he’s passionate about. When asked what he would want for his last supper, he said it would take 15 years and 753 courses. The prison system had better cross their balls that there aren’t any foodies locked up on death row because Mario just suggested the most gluttonous stay of execution of all time.
(Note from Michael: I just printed out that picture, held up it and screamed, “Fight the REAL enemy,” before tearing it up. “Mario Batali” must be Italian for dark-sided Satan worshiper, because he is on the wrong side of EVIL for keeping CROCS alive!)