You’d think being a top-notch physical specimen whose glorious chest pelt was woven from the merkins of the gods would be enough, but the universe decided to also gift Simon with being a gazillionaire. On an appearance during Ellen that airs today (via Daily Mail), Simon Cowell shared that he has a rare Bugatti Veyron he bought on a whim for $1.7 million after seeing in a showroom and has only driven twice in three years.
‘It was beckoning me to buy it. Seriously.’
But, like all good game shows, he phoned a friend and asked whether he should splash the cash. The friend said yes, ‘So, the following day I walked in and bought it.’
While Nicolas Cage mourns the loss of a petrified caveman dong or some weird shit, Aaron Carter cries in his government cheese and M.C. Hammer lives it up in the ballin’ city of Tracy, CA (the nicest thing I can say is that their Carl’s Jr. has a TIGHT Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger game), Simon and his magnificent furchichis are living it up. He has cars giving him the come-hithers while poor Aaron is avoiding eye contact with the IRS, who is beckoning him toward a dirty mattress while holding a giant, unlubed dildo.
I don’t begrudge anybody working their ass off and getting paid, but almost two million dollars on a whim for a car that sounds like it could either be how you say “venereal disease” in Italian or the name of the next Bond girl is so beyond us regulars. Most of us have friends that talk us into a cute top to go with those jeans or four shots to go with the one beer we agreed to go out for on a Tuesday night. For fuck’s sake, my last impulse buy was two Slim Jims, a Monster energy drink and diarrhea, with the latter really being more like the free gift with purchase.