How The Sort-Of-Kind-Of Mighty Have Fallen

Three years ago, my 90s self did the slow wall slide of NOOOOO when the “hot one” from 90s boy band Color Me Badd was arrested in Hawaii for beating his then-wife up and two years before that he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend. Since then, Bryan Abrams has been up to his same old asshole tricks. He’s been beating women and when he’s not beating women, he’s been beating up pie with his mouth.

Bryan has been charged with domestic violence 5 times since 2006 and he pleaded guilty to his latest one in April. Bryan admitted to punching his third wife in the face. The white Z-list Chris Brown was ordered to perform community service and get counseling for drug issues and for being a lady-beating piece of shit. Bryan didn’t do everything he was supposed to do and so he was in court today to answer to a judge. Bryan wobbled in on a walker (more on that in a second) while wearing an old outfit from Structure’s plus size collection. If you don’t remember what Bryan looked like back in the day, here you go:

Those exquisite brows…. So sharp you could cut your ass hairs off with them…

NewsOK says that in court today, Bryan’s lawyer argued that he hasn’t been able to complete his community service because ailments have been fucking with his health. Bryan has been trying to lose some chunk and he recently had hip surgery, which is why he’s using that walker. Bryan’s lawyer told the court that he’s sober now and he wants to do right, but health problems are keeping him down. Bryan promised to finish his counseling and community service before his next hearing in January. And back to that walker…

NewsOK says that when he was in front of the judge, Bryan played the “OHWOEISMETHEPAIN” role and he never let go of his walker. But when he left the courtroom, he picked up his walker and ran up the stairs while carrying it. Bryan also recently tweeted about no longer being in pain.

While Bryan was beating up women, time was beating him up. DAMN. I wish I could take back all the times I fapped to Bryan Abrams and fap to the one with the 40-foot long forehead instead. This is ruining the 90s for me, because one of my fap dream stars has turned into a lady-beating shyster who wears an untucked plaid shirt to court. How beyond dreadful.

(Top pic via Steve Gooch/AP)