Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.